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Please put more jokes here

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    101.What's the plural of "dentrifice?"
    "Dentrifeces?"

    102.Q: What does a women do with her
    ass hole before having sex?
    A: Drop him off at the golf course.

    103.A woman is talking to her
    girlfriend, a masochist. She asks her,
    "Why do you go out with that sadist?"
    Her friend replied
    "beats me."

    104.What's the difference between
    "unlawful" and "illegal"?
    For one you can be arrested; the
    other's a sick bird.

    105.Then there was the choirboy who
    asked the nun, "Why do you always dress
    like a penguin?" She replied, "It's a
    habit."

    106.Roads scholar
    a squirrel that made it all the way
    across the street.

    107.I asked my old horse how many oats
    he wanted today and he just raised his
    tail and said, "Aphewwwww...!

    108.A bachelor has to have inspiration
    for making love to a woman
    a married man needs only an excuse.

    109.And still another who, none too
    bright, stayed at her corner all day
    because she heard that men were laying
    pavement and wanted to see how it was
    done.

    110.There was a man who painted rabbits
    all over his bald head.
    Claimed they liiked like hares from
    a distance.

    Comment


      111.What's six inches long that women
      love?
      Money

      112.Whats the difference between a pig
      and a fox?
      About four drinks.

      113.How do you say **** You in Yiddish?

      Trust me.

      114.When I die, I want to go quietly---
      like Grandfather did, in his sleep---
      Not yelling and screaming like
      those people in his car.

      115.Denial:
      A river in Egypt.

      116.Just remember, if you think sex is
      a pain in the ass,
      You're not doing it right.

      117.Remember, A trombone player is the
      ONLY musician who can ...
      achieve success by letting things
      slide!!!!

      118.How do you make a cat drink?
      Put it in a blender.

      119.Whats the difference between a
      Lawyer and a Carp? One is a bottom
      feeding,scum sucking scavanger
      and the other is a fish!

      120.Curt Gowdy: What do you like
      better, Astro Turf, or Grass.
      Baseball Player: I don't know, I've
      never smoked Astroturf.

      Comment


        121.Tourist: Do people often fall off
        this cliff?
        Guide: No sir, once is usually
        enough.

        122.My love life is so bad that
        I carry a picture of my own hand in
        my wallet.

        123.Why didn't the Israelis listen to
        Bush?
        The last time they listened to a
        bush, they ended up spending 40 years in
        the desert!

        124.There were several buzzards around
        a very bad stink. One of them said.
        Boy, this one has been out here a
        looooong time. Thank God for ketchup.

        125.Kinney Shoes: "We only sell the
        right shoe!"
        Question: Where do you go to get
        the left shoe?

        126.The three kinds of sex: Bedroom
        sex:Having sex in the bedroom, house
        sex:Having sex everywhere in the house,
        hallway sex:Saying "**** you" as you
        pass them.

        127.Q:What do you call a Russian
        ******?
        A: Tossyourcockoff

        128.Q. what is the difference between
        michael jackson and a plastic bag?
        A. ones white, plastic and
        dangerous to children and the other is a
        plastic bag.

        129.Q: What do you call a woman with
        one leg?
        A: Ilene

        130.Follow up...
        Q:What do you call a Chinese woman
        with one leg?
        A: Irene

        Comment


          131.Q: How can you tell youre at a
          bulimic bachelor party?
          A: The cake jumps out of the girl

          132.Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat
          look good
          A: Put nipples on it

          133.Q: Whats the difference between
          oral sex and anal sex?
          A: Oral sex makes your whole day,
          anal sex makes your hole weak.

          134.Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
          A: You push it to the side before
          you start eating

          135.If your wife keeps coming out of
          the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
          done wrong?
          A: made her chain too long

          136.Q: Whats brown and often found in
          childrens underpants?
          A: Michael Jachsons hand

          137.Q: How is a woman like a condom?
          A: Both of them spend more time in
          your wallet than on your dick

          138.Q: What is the similarity between a
          woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
          A: By the time youve finished with
          the breast and thighs, all you have is a
          greasy box to put your bone in

          139.Q: How are tornadoes like marriage?

          A: They both begin with a lot of
          blowing and sucking, and in the end you
          loose your house

          140.Q: Why doesnt mexico have an
          olympic team?
          A: because all those who can run,
          jump and swim are already in America

          Comment


            Two guys are drinking at the bar one
            night till closing time. After
            the bar closes, they go to a friend's
            house and drink even more.

            About 4:30 am, guy1 says to guy2, "I
            gotta go home. My wife is gonna
            kill me."

            guy2 says "Aw, don't worry about it, you
            can make it up to her."

            guy1 looks nervous and says, "No, she
            might actually kill me dead."

            So guy2 says, "OK, here's what you do.
            When you get home, go inside,
            leave all the lights off. Take off your
            shoes and sneak into the
            bedroom then get naked and crawl into
            bed from the foot end under the
            covers. Crawl right up between her legs
            and start licking her pussy.
            Lick her pussy for all you're worth,
            lick to save your marriage, lick
            her pussy to save your life! She'll come
            all over your face and then
            roll over, fall asleep, and forgive
            you."

            So, guy1 says, "OK, I guess it's worth a
            try." He goes home, sneaks
            into the room, leaves the lights off,
            takes off his shoes, takes off
            his clothes and crawls into bed from the
            foot end.

            He crawls up between her legs and starts
            to lick her pussy. He licks
            her pussy for all he's worth. He licks
            her pussy to save his
            marriage, he licks her pussy to save his
            life.

            After an hour of moaning and thrashing
            and bucking, his face is
            completely covered with pussy juice and
            she starts to come. She comes
            over and over for three or four minutes
            then she rolls over and falls
            asleep.

            "Well," he thinks, "Great! it worked!"

            He slides out of bed and goes into the
            bathroom to wash his face.
            When he opens the bathroom door to come
            back out, his wife is
            standing there.

            She says, "Shhh... be very quiet and
            come into the living room. We're
            sleeping in there while your mom stays
            in our room."

            Comment


              > A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
              > The doctor took one look at this woman and all his
              > professionalism went out the window.
              >
              > He immediately told her to undress. After she had
              > disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
              >
              > Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what Im doing?"
              >
              "Yes", she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions
              > or dermatological abnormalities."
              >
              "That is right", said the doctor. He then began to fondle
              > her breasts.
              >
              "Do you know what Im doing now?" he asked.

              "Yes", the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps
              > or breast cancer."
              >
              "Correct", replied the shady doctor.

              > Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual
              > intercourse with her.
              >
              > He asked, "Do you know what Im doing now?"
              >
              "Yes", she said, "you're getting herpes; which is why I
              > came here in the first place."

              Comment


                A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke
                behind the counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming
                over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I
                need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."

                The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the
                bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box
                marked with the label "Viagra Extra Strength" and
                says, "Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12
                hours!"

                The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."

                The next day the man walks into the same chemist,
                right up to the same bloke and pulls down his pants.
                The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the
                man's willy is black and blue, and the skin is hanging
                off in some places.

                The man says, "Gimme a tube of Deep Heat."

                The chemist replies,"DEEP HEAT???" You're not
                going to put Deep Heat on that are you?"

                The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't
                show up."

                Comment


                  DEATH TOLL CLIMBS IN AIR DISASTER
                  Ireland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
                  Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
                  central Limerick. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 326
                  bodies so far and
                  expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

                  A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a
                  coke.
                  The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
                  She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the
                  machine
                  keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the
                  blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before
                  stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde
                  spins around and
                  shouts in her face: "Can't you see I'm winning!."

                  Comment


                    Two blondes were walking through the woods
                    and they came to some tracks.
                    The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks," and
                    the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
                    They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing
                    when the train hit them.

                    Comment


                      A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
                      "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
                      companionship."

                      "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this
                      house?"
                      "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want
                      it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

                      "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife
                      asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
                      "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last
                      a long time, so I guess she would."

                      "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in
                      our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
                      "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

                      Comment

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