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Please put more jokes here

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    1. You believe in Santa Claus.
    2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
    3. You are Santa Claus.
    4. You look like Santa Claus.


      Child: Mum, where do babies come from?

      Mom: Well sweet heart... a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married.
      Then they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That
      means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina, and that's how you
      get a baby.

      Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's
      bedroom, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do

      Mom: Jewelry, dear, jewelry


        One day a cucumber, a pickle and a p*nis were having a conversation:

        Thepickle says, "You know, my life really sucks.
        Whenever I get fat and juicy,
        they sprinkle seasonings over me and they stick me in a jar."

        The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and
        juicy, they
        slice me up and they put me over a salad.

        " The p*nis says, "You think thatyour lives are tough?
        Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my
        shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I
        throw up and lose consciousness!!!"


          Freeze! You're under arrest! Internet love seekers, think again. Your
          'perfect match' might not be what they seem...
          A twenty-eight-year-old Yorkshire man who flew to America to meet his
          chatroom "love" got more than he bargained for when the woman, who he
          thought was 30, turned out to be a 68-year-old.
          Wynema Faye Shumate, from South Carolina, conned Tasker into the
          transatlantic tryst by sending him a semi-nude picture of her taken 30 years
          Thinking things couldn't get any worse, Trevor Tasker went back to pensioner
          Shumate's flat to discover a corpse in her freezer. The body has been
          identified as that of Jim O'Neil, Shumate's flat mate.
          O'Neil died of natural causes, but Shumate had kept him in the deep freeze
          for a year so she could live in his house and spend his money. According to
          reports Shumate had to chop off one of O'Neil's legs to fit him in the
          Shumate has been jailed for a year, after pleading guilty to fraud and
          unlawful removal of a dead body. Tasker is back home in Selby, North
          Yorkshire, with his mother.
          Tasker reportedly said of Shumate: "When I saw her picture I thought 'Wow.'
          But when she met me at the airport I almost had a heart attack."
          Vowing never to return to the Internet, Tasker said: "I'll never log on


            Q: What lies on the ground, one hundred feet in the air?
            A: A dead centipede.


              George Ws Inaugural Address
              My fellow Armenians,

              As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I think
              we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a fresh,
              bipolar approach. I want to bring America together. We are the hill
              shining on a city, and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to

              Americans have made their decision. They don't need sympathy; they
              need absolutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadillos. Politics
              doesn't have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie higher. Let
              everyone who needs to put food on the table put their family on the table.
              That's my record: I side with the people. And I front for the money. But I
              back away from challenge.

              A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his
              baseball team's families, but of all American families. I don't believe a
              president should be choosing who are the right American families. I don't
              believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and who
              are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong, black or
              right. Or perversely. That's why my tax cut is as broad as we are. And it
              will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

              I say there's a cost to inaction. I haven't done the acrobatics, but it's
              probably around a trillion dollars. That's a good round sum to offer to
              everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our nation. I
              would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara Bush, who taught
              me to read and write when I was still knee high to a lawnmower. We need
              our seniors to be free to pass on their life's work to those they love,
              and especially to pass on. Thanks, Mom and Dad.

              We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great super
              premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. We need a sharpened sword to
              fight our way.

              The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches
              every Heart with money. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches and
              feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by common
              sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I was one
              myself. I'm less now. But I'm also more. We are all less and more. More or
              less. And I believe we must match our compassionate hearts to our
              preservative minds.

              I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw to
              a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire. I will
              appeal to people's better angles. I will prove that politics can be bigger
              than you ever thought possible. We will trust the people we serve, and
              serve the people we trust. But we shall not trust the people with the
              money of the people who paid to get us here. Together, we can do what
              needs to be done to preserve this great b@stard of freedom.

              Thank you and God Help America. "I believe we are on an irreversible
              trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."

              -- George W. Bush


                An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

                "How many children?" asks the council worker.

                "10" replies the Essex girl.

                "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"

                "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne."

                "Doesn't that get confusing?"

                "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

                "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

                "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."

                An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.

                "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

                "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

                "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

                Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

                The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

                She says, "I'll take the red one."

                The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

                An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

                Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"

                Girl: "OK"

                Medic: "What's your name?"

                Girl: "Sharon."

                Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"

                Sharon: "Yes."

                Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"

                Sharon: "Bleeding Romford, mate."

                An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!"

                "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"

                Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's blood everywhere.

                The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the ground.

                Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."

                Sharon: "Ok."

                Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

                Sharon: "Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

                An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.

                She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

                The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"

                "Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!"


                  Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
                  blame the people who sent em to me...

                  anyway - are you a mod?
                  So, you have a poor short-term memory and can't remember whether or not you've posted them on here before?
                  Or, when you do get a joke you don't search through all the ones on here to see if they are already on here - admittedly there are a LOT of jokes (ignoring the duplicates, obviously) but I would keep a log of the ones I've already posted.
                  It's Deja-vu all over again!


                    Originally posted by KathyWoolfe View Post
                    So, you have a poor short-term memory and can't remember whether or not you've posted them on here before?
                    Or, when you do get a joke you don't search through all the ones on here to see if they are already on here - admittedly there are a LOT of jokes (ignoring the duplicates, obviously) but I would keep a log of the ones I've already posted.
                    My only short term memory is about stuff for my kids.

                    I have posted nearly 600 jokes!

                    YOU post them and YOU keep a log.

                    How about some gratitude for my hard work and kindness in sharing my precious joke files?

                    I presume this is the beginning of sort sort of troll?


                      40-ish - 49
                      Adventurous - Slept with everyone
                      Athletic - No tits
                      Average looking - Ugly
                      Beautiful - Pathological liar
                      Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
                      Emotionally secure - On medication
                      Feminist - Fat
                      Free spirit - Junkie
                      Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
                      Fun - Annoying
                      New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
                      Open-minded - Desperate
                      Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
                      Passionate - Sloppy drunk
                      Professional - Bitch
                      Voluptuous - Very Fat
                      Large frame - Hugely Fat
                      Wants Soul mate - Stalker