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    For those of you who have had to deal with governmental agencies, this will
    a familiar and then satisfying chord.....:

    A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
    would be
    granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being
    offered as
    collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the
    lawyer three
    months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he
    following reply (actual letter):

    "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
    the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the
    in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out
    that you
    have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.
    Before final
    approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to

    Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

    "Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
    wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the
    I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those
    working in
    the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S.
    in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the
    uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership
    from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

    The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the
    1492 by a
    sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege
    seeking a
    new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen,
    being a pious
    woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the
    of securing
    the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus'

    Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the
    Son of
    God. And
    God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it
    safe to
    presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He,
    therefore, would
    be the owner of origin.

    I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

    Now, may we have our loan?"

    They got it


      GCE 'A' Level Examination Paper

      Time allowed: 3 hrs.

      Attempt all questions. If you do not know the answer
      to a particular question, attempt to look at someone
      else's paper by knocking your biro onto the floor and
      having a shufty while you lean over to retrieve it.

      You are allowed one visit to the toilet to look at the
      answers you wrote on the wall yesterday.

      After one hour, request more paper to frighten the
      other candidates into thinking that you must have
      written sh*t loads.

      Attempt to introduce the one or two facts you are
      reasonably sure of into the answers to every question,
      even if they are not wholly relevant.

      At 4.30 exactly, everybody cough to make the
      invigilator jump.

      Male candidates: Try to avoid becoming distracted
      by mentally undressing the female candidate in front
      of you, and wondering whether she takes it from

      Female candidates: It's your own fault for choosing
      this subject.

      Section A (50%)

      1. Explain why the best women's football team in
      the world wouldn't stand a chance against you and
      ten of your mates. Include in your answer:
      a) Why they are unable to kick a ball straight.
      b) What you'd do with them in the baths afterwards.

      2. Pamela Anderson's tits are plastic but look good
      in photographs. Compare and contrast the relative
      merits of plastic and real tits for recreational purposes.

      3. It is a long-established fact that fat lasses are more
      grateful for it. Outline some of the reasons why this is
      so, and make a passing reference to the fact that all
      feminists are fat, ugly lesbians.

      4. Write a critique of any ONE of the following films
      you have watched at your mate's house while his
      parents were away for the weekend.
      a) Sex Boat
      b) Three Into One Will Go
      c) King Dong
      d) Speared by Zulu Lovers
      e) Swedish Erotica Part VI

      5. Women drivers, eh? Discuss.

      Section B (50%)

      1. Describe an experiment to impress a girl by
      lighting a fart. What apparatus would you require ?
      What risks would you run in lighting a fart, and
      what are the potential benefits?

      2. Name something a woman has invented.

      3. On average, women live 7 years longer than men
      yet get their pension 5 years earlier. Explain why
      this isn't fair, making reference to your lazy old
      granny who lived to be 100 and your poor grandpa
      who worked 52 years down the pit and died the
      day before he was due to retire.

      4. Argue heatedly over the respective merits of
      the Lamborghini Diablo and the Ferrari Testarossa
      without ever having seen, let alone driven, either.


        An unassuming looking man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to
        > an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little
        > restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This
        > is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the
        > sender with a nod of his head.
        > She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,
        > then decided to send a reply to him by note. The waiter took the note
        > and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this
        > bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in
        > the bank and 7 inches in your pants.'
        > After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
        > return. He folded the note, handing it to the waiter, and instructed him
        > to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't
        > always w hat they appear to be, I have a Ferri Maranello, BMW Z8, and a
        > Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen ,
        > Miami , and a 100, acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
        > dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
        > beautiful as you are, would I cut off 3 inches. Just send the bottle
        > back.'
        l l l http://www.thewantedfans.com


          A Romanian arrives in Britainas a new immigrant to the country
          He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
          'Thank you Mr. Britishman for letting me in this country,
          giving me
          Money for food, free medical care and free education!'
          The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Jamaican.'
          The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
          'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain
          The person says, 'I not British, I Asian.'
          The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he
          Shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful
          That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East,
          I am not British!'
          He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you British?'
          She says, 'No, I am from Africa!'
          Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the British people?'
          The African lady checks her watch and says.....'Probably at
          l l l http://www.thewantedfans.com


            Slight amendment :

            After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
            > return. He folded the note, handing it to the waiter, and instructed him
            > to deliver it to the lady. It read:

            'Just to let you know things aren't
            > always w hat they appear to be, I have a Ferri Maranello, BMW Z8, and a
            > Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen ,
            > Miami , and a 100, acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million
            > dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
            > beautiful as you are, would I cut off 3 inches. Just send the bottle
            > back.'

            signed, Threaded
            Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

            C.S. Lewis


              A snippet from Construction News:

              "Scaffolder, James McKenna, was unaware that he had shot himself in the head
              with his nail gun, until he returned to the site canteen and found he was
              unable to remove his hardhat."


                > >The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual
                > >letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security). Although rather crude
                > they are
                > >written in good faith by the senders.
                > >_________________________________________________ _____________
                > >
                > >Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
                > >***
                > >Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my
                > >wife is about to become an expectant mother.
                > >***
                > >I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my
                > >knob off.
                > >***
                > >The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is
                > >cleared.
                > >***
                > >The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is
                > >unsightly and dangerous.
                > >***
                > >Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife
                > >tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
                > >***
                > >Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would
                > >like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something
                > about
                > >it.
                > >***
                > >Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the
                > >box fell on his head.
                > >***
                > >Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The
                > >clergy have been visiting her.............
                > >***
                > >I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable
                > >to masturbate his food.
                > >***
                > >In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer
                > > with no results so far.
                > >***
                > >I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing,
                > >is dead.
                > >***
                > >Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to
                > >hospital to have her overtures out.
                > >***
                > >Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one
                > >of which is a mistake as you will see.
                > >***
                > >My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he
                > >finds he is lethargic to it.
                > >***
                > >Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged
                > >to live an immortal life.
                > > ***
                > >The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles
                > >about and I had them humanised.
                > >***
                > >Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my
                > >landlord and milkman.
                > >***
                > >You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this
                > >matter?
                > >***
                > >Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a
                > >hypodermic.
                > >***
                > >In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in
                > >the enclosed envelope.
                > >***
                > >I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a
                > >week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get
                > >another doctor.
                > >***
                > >I do not get any money from my son. he is in the army and his
                > >regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.
                > >***
                > >Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.
                > >***
                > >Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on
                > >my bottom are hurting dreadfully.
                > >***
                > >I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This
                > >is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.
                > > ***
                > >I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names. This was
                > >due to contraceptional circumstances.
                > >***
                > >I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
                > >put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
                > >***
                > >The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door
                > >throwing balls on the roof.
                > >***
                > >This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next
                > >door.
                > >***
                > >The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?


                  A businessman on his way home from the centre of London came to a
                  dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Sh*t ,this traffic
                  seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a
                  police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so
                  he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me Officer, what's the
                  hold up?" The Officer replies, "Glen Hoddle became so depressed
                  about losing his job, he's stopped his Mercedes in the middle of
                  the A40 and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set
                  himself on fire. He says everyone hates him, he doesn't have
                  the England job any more and he doesn't have the income to
                  support himself. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him.
                  "Oh really?" says the businessman "How much have you collected
                  so far?" "So far only about three hundred litres but I've got
                  a lot of folks still siphoning".


                    > And the best newspaper headlines of 1997 are:
                    > 1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
                    > 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
                    > 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
                    > 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
                    > 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
                    > 6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus
                    > 7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
                    > 8. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over
                    > 9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
                    > 10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
                    > 11. Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead
                    > 12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
                    > 13. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
                    > 14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
                    > 15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
                    > 16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
                    > 17. War Dims Hope for Peace
                    > 18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
                    > 19. Cold Wave Linked to Temperature
                    > 20. Enfields Couple Slain, Police suspect Homicide
                    > 21. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
                    > 22. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead
                    > 23. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
                    > 24. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
                    > 25. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
                    > 26. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
                    > 27. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
                    > 28. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
                    > 29. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
                    > 30. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


                      Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
                      They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and
                      people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

                      Q: What do you call 20 Manchester United Fans skydiving from an
                      A: Diahorrea.

                      Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you
                      never swerve to hit him?
                      A: It might be your bicycle.

                      Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
                      A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

                      Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to
                      their neck in sand?
                      A: Not enough sand.

                      Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
                      Manchester United Fan in the road?
                      A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

                      Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
                      A: Their personalities.

                      Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a
                      Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should
                      you do?
                      A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.