Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding goes to his mother
with the following question. "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the
town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mum and goes
off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding
dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[xoggoth]

Apart from the odd repeat still excellent. Keep it up Mr B.

[BrilloPad]

Apart from the odd repeat still excellent. Keep it up Mr B.

thank you kind Sir. I have seen several more repeats I have not posted.

But I am nearly out of jokes from my files - I might have to resort to internet searches soon...

[BrilloPad]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.

When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought
medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he
finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go
under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but
he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked
past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new
suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
half neck"
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure..."
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
of a headache."

[BrilloPad]

There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.
the two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low
and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,
who is checking out all the other men, after calling them 'bloody *******".
One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi
is searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they
are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

[BrilloPad]

I Am The Very Model of a Microsoft Executive (By Brad Rhodes, with
inspiration from Lincoln Spector's "The Pirates of Pentium" and apologies to
Sir William Gilbert...)

Bill Gates:
I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive
Work sixteen hours ev'ry shift on days that are consecutive
I make a line of software that is of the highest quality
But leave in bugs to fix in upgrades in perpetuality

Though some might claim that we compete in ways that are not very just
That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us
Besides they cannot prove a thing, no judge will ever take their side
We'll crush them with our lawyers known for litigation far and wide.

Men's Chourus:
He'll crush them with his lawyers known for litigation far and far
and wide!

Gates:
My coders work a schedule bordering on impropriety
But they'll still work for peanuts til they're vested in entirety
I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
That I'm the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Chorus:
I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Gates:
We made our windows system one which we hold in propriety
And tweak it every now and then to screw up Lotus 1-2-3
Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown
They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town.

We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best
Idea is the first step but the market is the real test
And though we may use other's thoughts and intellectual property
Stealing's such a nasty word, we like to call it R&D.

Chorus:
Stealing's such a nasty word, he likes to call it R&-R&D.

Gates [faster]:
My business tactics are compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn
They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond
And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

Chorus:
And while his competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

[BrilloPad]

>A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided
> to end her life by throwing herself in the ocean. When she went
> down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears
> and took pity on her.
>
>
> "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America
> in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
>I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
>
>
>
> Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her shoulder, winked at her
> and added "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
>
>
> The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night,
> the sailor brought her abroad and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
>on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
>and they
>shagged furiously.
>
>Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
> the Captain.
>
>"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
>
> "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained,
> "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
>
> "He certainly is," the Captain replied, "This is the Dover-Calais
> ferry."

[BrilloPad]

A 90-year-old man went to the doctor's
and asked for a
sperm count.

"It can't be very high," the doctor
said. "There's really
no need for it."

But the old man still wanted it all the
same. "All right
then," the doctor said. She went to her
cabinet, got out
a small container, and gave it to the
man. "Take this jar
home, do a little jobby in the jar, and
bring it back here."

A week later, the doctor was coming out
of her office when
she found the old man and his wife
sitting in the waiting
room. They handed her the jar. "But
the jar is empty," she
said after looking at it. "I told you
that you had to do a
little jobby in the jar in order for me
to get the sperm
count."

"Doc," the man began. "I tried it with
my right hand, I
tried it with my left hand. My wife
tried it with her right
hand, and tried it with her left hand.
She even tried it with
her teeth out . . .

" . . . But that damn lid just wouldn't
come off!"

[BrilloPad]

A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out
over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit
door bursts open to reveal an armed,
masked hijacker to a startled pilot,
copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He
holds his gun at the
pilot's head and says, "Take this plane
to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains
all over the place!"

The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the
gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you
shoot me this plane will crash right
into the sea and you'll die along with
the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this and then
holds the gun at the copilot's head and
says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm
gonna spill HIS brains all over the
place."

But the copilot also calmly reaches up,
pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen
to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and
he could keel over at the shock of my
being killed like that. So if you shoot
me, this plane will still
crash right into the sea and you'll die
along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks about this for a
moment and then holds the gun at the
navigator's head and says, "Take this
plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reaches up,
pushes the gun aside and says, "I
wouldn't do that if I were you. Those
other two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag much
less get this plane to Cuba. So if you
shoot me, this plane will still crash
right into the sea and you'll die along
with the rest of us."

The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs
and this time holds the gun at the
stewardess's head and says, "Take this
plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HER
brains all over the place."

No one says a word but the stewardess
leans over and whispers something into
the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns
beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of
the cockpit in a panic.

Later after the crew has tracked down
the hijacker (whom they found cowering
behind some crates in the hold) and tied
him up, the pilot asks the stewardess
what she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir,
that if he killed me, HE'd be the one
who'd have to give you guys your
blowjobs."

[BrilloPad]

Two men camping in the mountains had
spent four days together, and
they were getting a little testy. One
morning, the first friend
says,"You know, we're starting to get
on each other's nerves. Why
don't we split up today. I'll hike
north and spend the day looking
around, you hike south and spend the
day. Then tonight, we'll have
dinner and share our experiences over
the campfire." The second friend
agrees and hikes south. The first man
hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man
tells his story. "Today I hiked
into a beautiful valley. I followed a
stream up into a canyon and ate
lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear
mountain lake. As I sat out and
dried, I watched deer come and drink
from the stream. The wildflowers
were filled with butterflies and hawks
floated all day overhead. How
was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south
and ran across a set of railroad
tracks. I followed them until I came
across a beautiful young woman
tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off
and we had sex in every
imaginable way all afternoon. Finally,
when I was so tired I could
barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow," the first guy says, "did you get
a blow job?" "No," says the
second friend. "I couldn't find her
head."