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Please put more jokes here

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    > A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory
    > where he had
    > been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the

    > compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the
    > dawn breaking for
    > the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he
    > thought. It wasn't
    > long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a

    > wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and
    > nibbling at the
    > lush grass.
    >
    > Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've
    > just escaped.
    > Are you wild rabbits?"
    >
    > "Yes. Come and join us," they cried.
    >
    > Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass.
    > It tasted so
    > good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.
    >
    > "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots

    > growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."
    >
    > This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
    > succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked
    > them again, "What
    > else do you do?"
    >
    > "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it.
    > We eat them as
    > well."
    >
    > The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while
    > later completely
    > full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of
    > the other
    > rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
    >
    > "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits
    > there," he
    > said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're
    > girls. We shag
    > them. Go and try it."
    >
    > Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his
    > little heart
    > out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
    >
    > "That was fantastic," he panted.
    >
    > "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.
    >
    > "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."
    >
    > The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why?
    > We thought you
    > liked it here."
    >
    > "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the
    > laboratory. I'm
    > dying for a cigarette."

    Comment


      Blonde's Medical Dictionary

      Anally -- occurring yearly
      Artery -- study of paintings
      Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
      Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
      Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
      Caesarean section -- district in Rome
      Cat scan -- searching for kitty
      Cauterise -- Made eye contact with her
      Colic -- sheep dog
      Coma -- a punctuation mark
      Congenital -- friendly
      D&C -- where Washington is
      Diarrhoea -- journal of daily events
      Dilate -- to live long
      Enema -- not a friend
      Fester -- quicker
      Fibula -- a small lie
      Genital -- non-Jewish
      G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
      Grippe -- suitcase
      Hangnail -- coathook
      Impotent -- distinguished, well known
      Intense pain -- torture in a tepee
      Labour pain -- got hurt at work
      Medical staff -- doctor's cane
      Morbid -- higher offer
      Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
      Node -- was aware of
      Outpatient -- person who had fainted
      Pap smear -- fatherhood test
      Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
      Post operative -- letter carrier
      Protein -- favouring young people
      Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
      Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
      Rheumatic -- amorous
      Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
      Secretion -- hiding anything
      Seizure -- Roman emperor
      Serology -- study of knighthood
      Tablet -- small tablet
      Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
      Tibia -- country in North Africa
      Tumour -- an extra pair
      Urine -- opposite of you're out
      Varicose -- located nearby
      Vein -- conceited

      Comment


        A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his
        order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

        "Chilli," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

        The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch
        it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch
        and the bowl of chilli remained uneaten.

        "Are you going to eat your chilli?" he asked.

        "No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.

        The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chilli. When
        he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse
        in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chilli he had
        just eaten back into the bowl.

        "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too," said the man sitting next to him.

        Comment


          THIS WACKY WORLD

          Fruit stall owner Giuseppe Scirrocco, who stopped paying taxes two years
          ago because he couldn't afford them, has been landed with a 12-billion
          lira (app. US$7 million) tax bill by officials in Milan, Italy.

          Teacher Jack Fesneau refused to speak to his wife Christina for more
          than
          two years because of the way she said "I do" at their wedding.
          Christina,
          from Quebec, Canada, has been granted a divorce.

          Police have decided not to prosecute Rashon Jackson, 19, after he phoned
          the emergency services to get directions to a bus station in New Jersey,
          US.

          A Judge granted a divorce to Percy Quentin because his wife Thelma
          organized a lottery -- with herself as the prize. After selling 600
          tickets at US$5 each in Los Angeles, US, the winner was a 73-year-old
          man.

          Anton Wladich's snoring has become so loud since breaking his nose, that
          most of his street's residents in Warsaw, Poland, have moved house to
          escape the noise.

          Furious girls in Lodz, Poland, are demanding a refund after paying
          US$800
          to join a dating agency which had 300 women -- but just seven men.

          An underwear factory in Volgrad, Russia, is preventing redundancies
          (layoffs) by paying its staff with 36 pairs of free knickers a month.

          Trucker Boris Kalusch drowned after trying to drink from the beer tanker
          he was driving. Police in Siberia found his legs sticking from the
          inspection cover.

          Former prisoner James Knapp confessed to police that he'd robbed two
          stores in Oklahoma, US, because he missed his old cell-mates. Police
          said
          they'd see if James could be reunited with his old friends.

          A zookeeper was pinned to the ground and had his trousers torn off -- by
          a
          lovesick lady orangutan! Ken Alrand had cared for Anna ever since she
          was
          rejected by her natural mother in infancy. But he never realised that
          she
          had developed a crush on him. As Alrand was cleaning Anna's enclosure in
          Aalborg, Denmark, she pounced on him and ripped his pants off. "She's
          obviously fallen in love with me," says Alrand. "So I'll keep my
          distance
          from now on."

          Six people taken to hospital from a reception in Moscow were injured by
          flying champagne corks.

          Scared Charles Hurden locked himself in his shed for three days after he
          thought asteroids landed in his garden in Sydney, Australia. They were
          luminous balloons from a party 16 km away.

          Gunman Simon Kingstree failed to rob a bank in Carolina, US, because
          staff
          kept laughing at his big ears -- even when he threatened to shoot a
          cashier.

          A man dubbed by police in Athens, Greece as The Cigarette Saboteur has
          taken to attacking people he sees smoking and forcing them to eat their
          remaining cigarettes. The oddball has claimed seven victims in six
          months.

          A pervert who exposed himself on the Paris Metro [subway] in France fled
          in horror when his victim -- a transvestite -- flashed back.

          Marauding moose have torn up seven light aircraft in less than a week at
          Anchorage Airport in Alaska.

          A burglar charged with raiding vending machine paid his bail with US$300
          in coins.

          A golf match in Los Angeles, US, was abandoned when a cow wandered onto
          the fairway, deposited a cow-pat on the 17th green and then chased the
          players.

          Raindancer Jose Carquirre has been charged with manslaughter after six
          people died in a flood in Arcos, Brazil.

          Comment


            OK ,here it is, the greatest formula ever, better then Plank's
            > Photo-electric Theorem, more useful then Einstein's Theory of
            > Relativity and less boring then Newton's, Boyle's and Rutherford's
            > ramblings. It essentially determines to what extent your bird
            > standards will fall while intoxicated in a social environments.
            >
            >
            >
            > U = S - L
            >
            > Where: L = (P x a) Ts / Tr x Wi
            >
            > Values
            > U = Ugly bird factor
            > S = Sober attraction factor (see text below)
            > L = Downward shift of Standards (to be subtracted from S)
            > P = Pints consumed
            > a = Strength of lager (see conversion table)
            > Ts = Time since last shag (months)
            > Tr = Time remaining at establishment(hours)
            > Wi = Number of witnesses present
            >
            > Conversion table for (a)
            > Hoffmeister/XXXX = .5
            > Fosters/Heineken = 1
            > Stella/Kronenbourg = 1.5
            > Exhibition Cider = 2.0
            >
            > Before you do anything you have to be brutally honest and decide a
            > figure (S) on a scale of 1 to 15 (budgieometer)as to what your
            > average
            > budgie pull is likely to look like while you are sober (1 being Jo
            > Brand through to 15 being Claudia Schiffer).
            >
            > The result of the formula (L) is the figure you MINUS from you sober
            > score(S) in order to obtain (U). The value (U) is then checked on
            > the
            > corresponding budgieometer. Hey presto, you have a value for your
            > birds ugliness. Although this formula is purely for statistical
            > purposes one usually finds their mates are highly calibrated
            > indicators.

            Comment


              THE MINI SKIRT

              In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was
              waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt
              with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and
              it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was
              too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first
              step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver
              she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that
              this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to
              make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the
              step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again
              reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a
              second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin
              she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy
              little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to
              give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
              About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line
              picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step
              of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,
              screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who
              you are!!" At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would
              agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
              figured that we was friends."

              Comment


                There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns,
                ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has
                eaten a few when the woman opposite says, "Would you mind not doing
                that, its disgusting to watch".
                He says, "Listen love, it's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my
                fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and
                carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
                eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to
                have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear
                whilst he's trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles.
                After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you
                stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got
                nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and
                I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's
                knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls
                the alarm cord. The man laughs "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for
                that!" To which the woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the
                police smell your fingers !".

                Comment


                  Name something a blind person might use - A sword
                  Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
                  Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
                  Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
                  Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
                  Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
                  Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
                  Name something that floats in the bath - Water
                  Name something that you wear on the beach - A deckchair
                  Name something red - My cardigan
                  Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
                  Name a famous royal - Mail
                  Name a number you have to memorise - 7
                  Name something that you do before going to bed - Sleep
                  Name something that you put on wall - Roofs
                  Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
                  Name something that you might be allergic to - Skiing
                  Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
                  Name something a cat does - Go to the toilet
                  Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
                  Name an animal that you see at the zoo - A Dog
                  Name a sign of the zodiac - April
                  Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
                  Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
                  Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
                  Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
                  Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
                  Name something with a hole in it - A window
                  Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
                  Name a domestic animal - Leopard
                  Name a part of the body beginning with N - Knee
                  Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
                  Name something other than a door that you open - Your bowels

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
                    Name something a blind person might use - A sword
                    Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon
                    Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
                    Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
                    Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
                    Name a dangerous race - The Arabs
                    Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
                    Name something that floats in the bath - Water
                    Name something that you wear on the beach - A deckchair
                    Name something red - My cardigan
                    Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers
                    Name a famous royal - Mail
                    Name a number you have to memorise - 7
                    Name something that you do before going to bed - Sleep
                    Name something that you put on wall - Roofs
                    Name something in the garden that's green - Shed
                    Name something that you might be allergic to - Skiing
                    Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
                    Name something a cat does - Go to the toilet
                    Name something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
                    Name an animal that you see at the zoo - A Dog
                    Name a sign of the zodiac - April
                    Name a kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish
                    Name a food that can be brown or white - Potato
                    Name a jacket potato topping - Jam
                    Name a famous Scotsman - Jock
                    Name another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones
                    Name something with a hole in it - A window
                    Name a non-living object with legs - Plant
                    Name a domestic animal - Leopard
                    Name a part of the body beginning with N - Knee
                    Name a way of cooking fish - Cod
                    Name something other than a door that you open - Your bowels
                    Joke standards have hit rock bottom and started digging

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by oracleslave View Post
                      Joke standards have hit rock bottom and started digging
                      BrilloPad 1,005
                      darmstadt 49
                      Colemanisor 34
                      daviejones 21

                      well after 1000 posts what do you expect?

                      ungrateful troll - how about a bt of gratitude/encouragement?

                      Comment

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