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Please put more jokes here

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    What do you call a donkey with one leg?
    A wonky donkey
    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
    A winky wonky donkey

    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?
    A bonky winky wonky donkey

    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
    breaking wind?
    A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
    breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?
    A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
    breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?
    A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

    What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
    breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a
    truck?

    F **CKING TALENTED

    Comment


      Patient: Doctor Doctor, I keep having these terrible premonitions
      Doctor: Tell me, when did this start
      Patient: This time next week

      Comment


        An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in
        his paintings on display at that time.

        "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is
        that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would
        appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he
        bought all 15 of your paintings."

        "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

        "The guy was your doctor..."

        Comment


          An 80 year old man goes to confessional:

          "Father", he says, "I had wild sex with two seventeen year old girls last
          night"

          The priest looks at him and says, "A man of your age this is
          certainly a sin, but the lord is forgiving and if you say three Hail Mary's
          and
          one novena, the lord will forgive you my son"

          The man quickly responds, "Why would I do that? I'm Jewish!"

          "You're Jewish?", the surprised priest exclaims, "Then why are you here
          telling me?!"

          "Are you kidding?" the old man replies, "I'm telling everyone!"

          Comment


            The SAS, the Army and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend
            together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer
            tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back
            with a rabbit for tea.
            First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the
            ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5
            minutes, followed by a single muffled shot. they emerge with a rabbit,
            shot cleanly through the forehead. "Excellent" says the trainer
            Next up are the Army. They finish their cans of lager, cover themselves
            in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods,
            screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with
            the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand grenades and
            blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying the charred
            remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you got a result. well done" says
            the trainer.
            Lastly, in go the Police, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling
            the Dixon of Dock Green theme. For the next few hours, the silence is only
            broken
            by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie: "sierra oscar lima one,
            suspect headed straight for you" etc. After what seems an eternity, they
            emerge, escorting a squirrel in hand cuffs. "What the hell do you think
            you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer. "Take this squirrel back and
            get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours ago!" So back they go.
            Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night. The next
            morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the police,
            holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises. "Are you taking the p1ss?"
            asks the seriously irate trainer. The police team leader shoots a glance
            at the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a flucking rabbit!"

            Comment


              Guy goes into a fishmonger with a carp under his arm. "Do you have any
              fishcakes?" "As a matter of fact we do, sir." "Thank goodness for that, it's
              his birthday tomorrow".

              Comment


                A man goes into a pub with a donkey.
                He says to the Landlord "£100 to the first person to make my donkey laugh"
                One bloke takes the man on, he whispers something in the donkey's ear.
                Next minute the donkey is rolling around on the floor in fits of laughter.
                The man then hands our hero his £100 and leaves.

                The next night the same man comes in with the same donkey.
                He says to the Landlord "£100 to the first person to make my donkey cry!"
                Our hero from the previous night is in the bar and takes the donkey over
                to a corner of the pub and the next minute the donkey is inconsolably in
                tears.The man hands over the £100 to our hero and leaves the pub with said
                donkey.

                The landlord then asks our hero how he managed it

                "Well," says our hero, "Last night I told the donkey that my cock was
                bigger than his, and tonight, well I just had to prove it"

                Comment


                  retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel
                  in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer
                  evening, watching the sun set.

                  The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read
                  Marx?"

                  To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's
                  these pesky wicker chairs."

                  Comment


                    A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a
                    double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks
                    inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another
                    double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his
                    shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

                    The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night
                    long, but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket
                    before you order a refill."

                    The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she
                    starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

                    Comment


                      A guy rolls through a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman. Cop says,
                      "Your license please."

                      Guy says, "What for?"

                      "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

                      "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

                      "You still didn't come to a complete stop, your license,
                      please."

                      "What's the difference?"

                      "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License, PLEASE!"

                      "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop I'll give
                      you my license."

                      "Step out of your vehicle sir."

                      At this point, the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the
                      piss out of the guy and says,

                      "Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

                      Comment

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