Please put more jokes here

[voodooflux]

http://stackoverflow.com/questions/8...rammer-cartoon

The WTFs/minute is one of my faves.

[BrilloPad]

Joan Rivers. Talking to The New York Time's magazine, Ms Rivers said: 'I love life, except for losing all that money with Ruth and Bernie Madoff. I'm pleading with you (she asks the interviewer), please say, 'She's lost a bundle to Bernie Madoff''. 'Did you ?', the interviewer asks. 'No, but everybody is walking around now saying that, and that shows you used to be very rich'.

[Money Money Money]

Three contractors and three permies were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three permies each bought tickets and watched as the three contractors bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one permie.

"Watch and you'll see", answered one contractor.

They all boarded the train. The permies took their respective seats, but the three contractors all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The permies saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the permies decide to copy the contractors on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the contractors didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed permies.

"Watch and you'll see", answered the contractor.

When they boarded the train, the three permies crammed into a restroom and the three contractors crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the contractors left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the permies were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."

[Money Money Money]

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the ***** that pushed me in!"

[BrilloPad]

Murphy's Lesser Known Dictums...

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[BrilloPad]

Walls have ears. That's why I don't eat their sausages.

[EternalOptimist]

A little girl is crying on the bus, and old dear leans over "Whats the matter deary?"

"I've lost my bally"

"You've lost your ball ? well lets see if we can find it for you"

The old dear looks under the seats, "Oh, I cant see it anywhere"

The little girl hooks a finger up her nose and pulls out a one inch living bogie and starts to rub it between her thumb and forefinger

"It's ok, I'll roll another one"

[thelace]

Bohemian Tandoori

Bohemian Tandoori - Sung to the tune of the Bohemian Rhapsody we all know and love!!

Is it a bhuna? Is it a jalfrezi?
Mixed up my order, they all look the same to me.
Open your mouth, just taste a bit and see.
Spent too much money but now I need to eat
And I'm stoney broke, not a bean.
Here's the cheapest menu I've seen?
Korma, saag or madras doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Naan, I could kill a naan.
All that drink's gone to my head, I'll have some food then go to bed.
No, dinner's just begun And now I'm going to throw it all away.
Naan, oh-oh-oh-oh. Don't it really make you cry?
Do you want to guess where I'll spend my day tomorrow?
In the bog, in the bog
Revisiting the Madras.

Too late, my dinner's back.
Sends shivers down my spine, stomach aching all the time.
Someone eat that bhaji, I've got to go.
Got to leave you all behind and use the loo.

No, no-o-o more
I'm feeling rather dry, it makes me wish I'd never come here at all.

I see a little chicken tikka on the side.
Rogan josh, rogan josh with a little bit of mango.
Vindaloo so spicy does me very nicely

Biryani (biryani) biryani (biryani) biryani and mango
Lime pickle - o - o - o

I had a balti, somebody help me.
He's had a balti, help him to the lavatory
Then keep away or you'll be quarantined.

Here it comes, there it goes, technicolour yawn, I chunder
No! Here it comes again (there it goes) I chunder.
Here it comes again
And again
Here it comes again, Here it comes again, Here it comes again, Here it comes again

This vindaloo is about to wreck my guts
Poor me, Poor me, Poor me

So you think if I throw up I'll be alright?
I thought I could eat curry and drink all night.
But maybe I'll just puke like a baby.
It just had to come out, just had to come out right here

Epsoms, Alka Seltzer, Andrews or Rennies.
Nothing makes a difference, nothing makes a difference to me.

Anyway the wind blows........

[Diver]

> > Here's one to pass around the block ...
> >
> >
> >
> > Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
> > 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Not yet,' she replied.

[BrilloPad]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly ...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice. . . . . . . ...



So I just switched the heads.'
.