• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd
    gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get
    near the car.

    Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me
    through! I am the son of the victim."

    The crowd made way for him.

    Lying in front of the car was a donkey.


      Meantime at the army training camp:
      Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?


        Humble Pie - sung roughly to the song of 'American Pie' I suspect!
        With thanks to Bill for this...

        A long, long week ago
        I can still remember how the market used to make me smile

        What I'd do when I had the chance
        Is get myself a cash advance
        And add another tech stock to the pile.

        But Alan Greenspan made me shiver
        With every speech that he delivered

        Bad news on the rate front
        Still I'd take one more punt

        I can't remember if I cried
        When I heard about the CPI
        I lost my fortune and my pride

        The day the NASDAQ died

        So bye-bye to my piece of the pie
        Now I'm gettin' calls for margin
        'Cause my cash account's dry

        It's just two weeks from a new all-time high
        And now we're right back where we were in July

        We're right back where we were in July

        Did you buy stocks you never heard of?
        QCOM at 150 or above?
        'Cos George Gilder told you so

        Now do you believe in Home Depot?
        Can Wal-Mart save your portfolio?
        And can you teach me what's a P/E ratio?

        Well, I know that you were leveraged too
        So you can't just take a long-term view

        Your broker shut you down
        No more margin could be found

        I never worried on the whole way up
        Buying dot coms from the back of a pickup truck
        But Friday I ran out of luck

        It was the day the NAAAASDAQ died

        I started singin'
        Bye-bye to my piece of the pie
        Now I'm gettin' calls for margin
        'Cause my cash account's dry

        It's just two weeks from a new all-time high

        And now we're right back where we were in July
        Yeah we're right back where we were in July


          A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and
          she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a
          boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while
          the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
          Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

          The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy
          noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

          Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your
          friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the
          woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy
          then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

          "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm
          the goalie."


            The Ferrari F1 team recently fired their whole pit crew to employ
            some young guys from Liverpool. This sudden move was taken after seeing
            a Channel 5 documentary about how young scousers can take off a car's
            tyres within 6 seconds without proper equipment. However, Ferrari
            soon encountered a problem. The young men not only changed the tyres in
            6 seconds but 12 seconds later the car was resprayed and sold to the
            Mclaren team.


              A man wanted to buy a parrot, so he goes to the pet shop and inquires
              about their stock. The attendant shows him a parrot which is quite
              exceptional in that it speaks any language you want. Intrigued by this,
              the man decides to test the bird by asking it a few questions:

              M: "Do you speak English?"
              P: "Yes."
              M: "Hablas Espanol?"
              P: "Si!"
              M: "Parlez vouz Francaise?"
              P: "Oui!"
              M: "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
              P: "Jawohl!"
              M: "Falas Portugues?"
              P: "Sim."

              After all his options were exhausted, the man thought for a while, then
              asked the parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"

              The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says: "Nu? Mit a nose like dis, vot
              you tink?"


                The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and
                the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's
                very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy."

                "What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd
                never needed while teaching.

                "Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge.

                Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening
                them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward
                flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without
                batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?"

                The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door.

                "Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had
                no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?"

                "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor.

                The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on
                his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple
                making love on the bed.

                "Tea or coffee, sir?"

                "Tea," the man replied.

                "And for your brother?"


                  The Second Affair

                  An undertaker was working late one night. One of his functions was to
                  examine the deceased before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
                  As he examined the body of Mr Black, who was about to be cremated, he made
                  an amazing discovery; Mr Black had the longest penis he had ever seen!

                  "I'm sorry Mr Black," said the undertaker, "but I can't send you off
                  to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be
                  saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove
                  the dead man's penis.

                  The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first
                  person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you
                  won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

                  "Oh my God!" She screamed, "Sam Black is dead!"


                    A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having
                    difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.

                    Finally, the captain said, "Either you learn to keep time or I'll
                    throw you overboard. . . . It's up to you, sync or swim."


                      100 reasons we're glad to be MEN

                      1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
                      2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
                      3. You know stuff about tanks.
                      4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
                      5. Monday Nite Football.
                      6. You don't have to monitor your friend's sex lives.
                      7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
                      8. You can open all your own jars.
                      9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
                      10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
                      11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on
                      every shot of someone crying.
                      12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
                      13. All your orgasms are real.
                      14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
                      15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
                      16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you
                      17. You understand why "Stripes" is funny.
                      18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
                      19. Your last name stays put.
                      20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
                      21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
                      secretly hates you.
                      22. You can kill your own food.
                      23. The garage is all yours.
                      24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
                      25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
                      26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
                      27. You never have to clean the toilet.
                      28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
                      29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
                      30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
                      31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
                      be your friend.
                      32. Your underwear costs $10 for a three-pack.
                      33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
                      34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
                      35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
                      36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
                      37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
                      38. You can write your name in the snow.
                      39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
                      40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
                      41. Chocolate is just another snack.
                      42. You can be president.
                      43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
                      44. Flowers fix everything.
                      45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
                      46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
                      47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
                      48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
                      49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
                      50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
                      51. Foreplay is optional.
                      52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
                      53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
                      54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
                      55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
                      coming by.
                      56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
                      57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
                      58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
                      59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
                      even thinking "He must be mad at me"
                      60. The world is your urinal.
                      61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
                      about to leave you.
                      62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
                      63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
                      64. One mood, all the time.
                      65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
                      like him.
                      66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
                      just too skeevy.
                      67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
                      68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
                      69. Same work....more pay.
                      70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
                      71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
                      72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
                      73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
                      74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
                      population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
                      75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
                      76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
                      77. The remote is your's and your's alone.
                      78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
                      79. ESPN's sports center.
                      80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
                      81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
                      82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
                      83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
                      84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
                      85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
                      your friends you've changed.
                      86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
                      87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it!"
                      88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might
                      become lifelong buddies.
                      89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
                      90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
                      91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
                      the mood.
                      92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
                      93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
                      and throw it across the room.
                      94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
                      95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
                      96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
                      97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
                      98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice
                      anything different?"
                      99. Baywatch
                      100. There is always a game on somewhere.