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Please put more jokes here

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    For too long we men have been divided and conquered in the name of
    equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins.
    No more! The man fights back!!
    Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead....Long live the Man of 2000.
    Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....

    * If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your
    backside down a gym.

    * Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bl**dy thing

    * Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

    * Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
    can find the perfect present... again.

    * Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

    * Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be. Shopping is
    not a sport.

    * Anything you wear is fine. Really.

    * Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

    * Yes, pi**ing standing up is more difficult than pi**ing from point
    blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

    * Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think
    we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
    good with your dress?

    * 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

    * A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

    * Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

    * Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

    * The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
    months we were going out.

    * Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

    * It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bl**dy
    chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

    * All comments become null and void after 7 days.

    * Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed
    makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to
    deter us from reading them.

    * The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all

    * If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the
    ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

    * Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how
    pretty you are?

    * Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the

    * When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired
    and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

    * If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have
    to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't
    say "No I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of

    * Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

    * If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food
    as well.

    * A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold
    beer and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance
    of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the
    category 'garnish'.

    * Do not question our sense of direction

    If you can learn the above, then man and woman con co-exist on a level
    based on love and mutual respect. The ball's in your court.


      A Senator dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. There is a long line there
      so the Senator goes to the head of the line and says, "I'm Senator
      Blamsphey." Saint Peter looks at him and says, "You'll have to wait in
      line like anybody else." Shortly thereafter, a lawyer shows up and goes
      to the head of the line. Saint Peter sends him back, too. Then, a
      former Prime Minister dies and the same thing happens.

      A little while later, this doctor comes strolling by, goes to the head
      of the line, and Saint Peter lets him into Heaven. Well, the Senator,
      lawyer, and ex-Prime Minister are quite upset, so they go to Saint Peter
      and ask him why they let a doctor through but they wouldn't talk to
      them. Saint Peter says, "Oh. That was no doctor. That was God; he
      just likes playing doctor."


        In my hometown a well known rich businessman's wife broke her
        hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the
        operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip
        and putting in a screw to secure it.

        The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a
        fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at
        the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list
        of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

        1 screw $ 1
        knowing how to put it in $4999

        The businessman never argued.


          A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
          This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has
          any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about
          the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

          The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and
          pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
          "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
          "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
          "Like this?"
          "A little more..."
          "Like this?"
          "No. A little more...
          "Like this?"
          "Yes. Does that hurt?"
          "A little bit."
          "Now stretch it over your head!"


            An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about 6
            months together the woman wasn't feeling well and she went
            to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations
            Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."

            "Get serious Doctor, I'm 80."

            "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have said it
            was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

            "I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office.
            She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the
            telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

            "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed,
            "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!"

            There was a pause on the line. Finally her husband answered
            "Who's calling please?"


              It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of
              the war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds
              by teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
              to fetch him a sample of Urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
              mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
              the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
              means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of
              a diabetic ... " By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which
              the registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw
              colored fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar
              then startled us.

              He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the
              tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips
              rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was
              passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
              all of us foolishly licked that finger.

              "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle
              of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood
              near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous
              patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing
              triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my
              INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.


                After much soul-searching and having determined the husband was infertile,
                the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the
                woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist
                down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

                She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor
                came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down
                his pants!

                "Wait a minut! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
                herself into a sitting position.

                "Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.

                "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.

                "Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out
                of the bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."


                  This lady has delivered a baby but unfortunately her husband was out on a
                  business tour. When he returned, he rushed to the hospital to see the baby.
                  The nurse led him to a room where a couple of babies were lying on a bed.
                  One of them was chubby while the other was skinny.

                  He asks the nurse pointing to the skinny one, "Is that my baby??"

                  The nurse replies, "No, no, the other one's yours. And you know this one
                  is a product of artificial insemination.

                  "Just as I had heard, spare the rod and spoil the child!!"


                    Mary had a little lamb
                    The doctors were astounded
                    And everywhere that Mary went
                    Gynecologists surrounded.

                    When Mary had a little lamb,
                    The doctors were surprised;
                    When Old MacDonald had a farm,
                    The doctors nearly died.


                      Comedian's monologue:
                      Some of you women have been afraid to get breast augmentations. There are
                      problems with the surgery, the risk of infection, silicone slippage, etc.
                      We have good news for you. Physicians have just discovered a new process.
                      They now have invented a safe operation which makes men's hands smaller.