• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Performance Review Quotes This is reportedly a list
    of Performance Reviews that were taken from actual
    employee performance evaluations:
    1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached
    rock bottom and has started to dig."
    2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out
    of morbid curiosity."
    3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
    4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
    but more of a definite won't be."
    5. "Works well when under constant supervision and
    cornered like a rat in a trap."
    6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
    7. "He sets low personal standards and then
    consistently fails to achieve them."
    8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
    an idiot."
    9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
    starts, the better."
    10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing
    to hold it all together."
    11. "A gross ignoramus---144 times worse than an
    ordinary ignoramus."
    12. "He certainly takes a long time to make his
    13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
    14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
    15. "He would argue with a signpost."
    16. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
    17. "When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell."
    18. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
    he's the other one."
    19. "A photographic memory but with the lens
    cover glued on."
    20. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
    21. "Donated his brain to science before he
    was done using it."
    22. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
    train isn't coming."
    23. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out
    looking for it."
    24. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered
    twice a week."
    25. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts,
    you'd get change."
    26. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
    the ocean."
    27. "One neuron short of a synapse."
    28. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he
    only gargled."
    29. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
    30. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.


      PHRASES YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK...(and sometimes do!!)

      1. Ahhh...I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again...
      2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
      3. How about never? Is never good for you?
      4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
      5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
      6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
      7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
      8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
      9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
      10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.
      11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
      12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
      13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
      14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
      15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
      16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
      17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
      18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
      19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
      20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.


        Diary of a blonde...sad...very very sad!

        Dear Diary,


        Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook
        for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs
        separately." The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra


        Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without
        So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for


        A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the
        It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the
        rice any.


        Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
        ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."
        Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the


        I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in
        bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
        When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.


        Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
        dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.


        Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find
        was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in
        the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
        to my disappointment.

        Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
        for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could
        just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate


          A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do
          the housework. They hired a lovely lass for the job.

          She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house
          neat. One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would
          have to quite.

          "But why?" asked the disappointed wife.

          She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife
          was persistent, so finally she said, "Well on my day off a couple of
          months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next
          county, and well, I'm pregnant."

          The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I
          don't have children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."

          She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would
          stay. The baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.

          After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she
          would have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was
          pregnant again, talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby
          if she would stay. She agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and
          life went on as usual.

          In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave.
          Same thing. She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed,
          and they adopted the third baby. She worked for a week or two, but
          then said, " I am definitely leaving this time."

          "Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.

          "No," she said, "there are just to many kids here to pick up after."


            Fred and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier
            miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of

            Fred asked if Mars had a stock market if they had laptop computers and
            how they made money. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just
            how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen. The male Martian responded "Pretty
            much the way you do."

            A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to
            swap partners for the night (for the sake of science, of course). Maureen
            and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped.
            Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie member about half
            inch long and just quarter inch thick.

            "I don't think this is going to work,"said Maureen.
            "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
            "Well," she replied, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
            "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With
            each slap his member grew until it was impressively long.
            "Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
            "No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member
            grew wider and wider.

            "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
            The next day the couples joined their normal partners and went their
            separate ways. As they walked along Fred asked, "Well was it any good?" "I
            hate to say it," said Maureen "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
            "It was
            horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my
            forehead and pulling my ears.


              Receptionist: "Can we help?"
              Man: "I wanna see the doctor".
              Receptionist: "What is the problem?"
              Man: "I've got somefink wrong wiv me pr1ck."
              Receptionist blushes and asks him to wait.

              After the doctor has examined the man, he says "By the way, when my
              receptionist asks what your problem is, please don't embarrass her
              like that, she is only trying to find out if you need an examination
              or just a repeat prescription. Next time, tell her, er ... oh, say
              there is something wrong with your elbow."

              Some time later the problem recurs and the man returns to the
              surgery, where there is a different receptionist.

              Receptionist: "Can we help?"
              Man: "I wanna see the doctor".
              Receptionist: "What is the problem?"
              Man (remembering the doctor's advice): "I've got somefink wrong wiv
              me elbow."
              Receptionist: "What is the matter with it?"
              Man: "I can't p1ss out of it."


                Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They
                came upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go
                into the castle.

                Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful
                women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what
                man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves
                having sex many times a day with the many beautiful

                After a week, the king of the castle and his army of
                men came back. As he walked into his castle he found
                the three men with his women. Upset the king ordered
                his army to capture the three men and line them up
                against the wall. Then the king said that each of them
                would be severely punished according to their

                The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation.

                The first man replies..."Fireman."

                The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

                Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation.

                Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer."

                The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

                Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation.

                With a huge smile on his face the man replied,
                "Lollipop salesman."


                  2 individuals on a sleeper train (chap and a woman)

                  Due to a mix up with the bookings and the fact that he was called Tracey, they had been paired in a single compartment.

                  Tracey left the compartment while his companion got into her bed and then he climbed into his own.

                  After a couple of hours, she started to complain about the cold. "Is there anything you can do to warm me up?" she asks with a trace of invitation in her tone

                  Tracey, not picking up on the invitation (or not believing his luck more accurately) sees a blanket on the floor and says "I could pass you the blanket over there, if you would like"

                  She says "How about, just for tonight, we pretend to be husband and wife. Would that be OK with you?"

                  "OK" replies Tracey "Pick up the $^%&* blanket yourself!"



                    ELEMENT: Woman
                    SYMBOL: Wo
                    DISCOVERER: Adam
                    ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
                    OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas

                    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

                    1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
                    2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
                    3. Melts if given special treatment.
                    4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
                    5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
                    6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.

                    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

                    1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious
                    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
                    3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
                    known reason.
                    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by
                    saturation in alcohol.
                    5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

                    COMMON USES:

                    1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
                    2. Very effective cleaning agent.


                    1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the
                    natural state.
                    2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


                    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
                    2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
                    maintained at different locations as long as specimens do
                    not come into direct contact with each other.


                      The chief minister of Australia's Northern Territories has promised to
                      run naked through Darwin if the opposition One Nation party wins a
                      single seat in a forthcoming election. Denis Burke made his promise on
                      NT News. Subsequent opinion polls in one seat suggest the party could
                      win as much as 37% of the vote.

                      Firemen in Brazil accidentally torched 7,500 acres of land while trying
                      to teach farmers how to control agricultural burning.

                      A busker in Port Talbot, south Wales, has been asked to play less
                      sentimental tunes by a nearby optician after customers got so tearful
                      that it was impossible to test their eyes properly.

                      The waxwork of Linford Christie in Madame Tussaud's has to be given
                      a new leotard every six weeks because of the number of female
                      visitors who manhandle his crotch.

                      A mistress is suing her married lover for two-timing her with his
                      wife. Eunwoo Lee, from Toronto, wants damages of $102,000 from United
                      Airlines executive John Riley for taking her off the singles market.
                      She says he never told her he was married during their four-year