Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

HYPNOTIST AT THE SENIOR CENTRE

It was entertainment night at the Senior Centre.



Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'


The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations ...'



He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.




'tulip!' said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Centre.

[BrilloPad]

A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?
A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS...........
'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS SH,T.'

[BrilloPad]

A man and wife are at the zoo, when a gorilla sees the wife and gets excited.

'Lift your skirt and tease him,' the man says. The ape goes mental 'OK, get your breasts out.' The ape goes beserk.

Finally the man opens the cage and throws his wife in ... 'Now tell him you've got a headache!'

[BrilloPad]

A university lecturer is reminding her students of the next day's exam.

'I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here,' she tells them: 'I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, or illness, or possibly even a death in your family but nothing else!'

One student at the back of the room raises his hand and asks: 'What if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?'

'Well,' the lecturer replies, 'I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand.'

[Ruprect]

A man and wife are at the zoo, when a gorilla sees the wife and gets excited.

'Lift your skirt and tease him,' the man says. The ape goes mental 'OK, get your breasts out.' The ape goes beserk.

Finally the man opens the cage and throws his wife in ... 'Now tell him you've got a headache!'

LMAO!!

[BrilloPad]

A woman says to her husband 'Let's try the missionary position.'

'OK,' the man replies, 'what do we do?'

'Well,' the wife answers,

I'll stay here and you go to Africa.'

[BrilloPad]

A man, having applied to join the police force, is being interviewed.



The Inspector says 'Your qualifications are first-class but there is one test that you must pass before I can recruit you.'



Sliding a small bag across the desk, he continues, 'Take this gun, go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six asylum seekers and a rabbit



The man says 'Why the rabbit ? '





'Fantastic attitude!' says the inspector. 'When can you start?'

[BrilloPad]

Q What's the difference between an ordinary frog and a horny frog?
A One says ribbit and the other says rub it.


A man goes to the doctor complaining of a rash on his private parts. The doctor asks: 'How often do you and your partner have sex?'
'Twice a year,' the man says.
'Then that's not a rash,' the doctor declares. 'It's rust.'


A dentist whose name was Malone.
Got a charming young girl alone.
But in his depravity, filled the wrong cavity.
Now his practice has grown!

[EternalOptimist]

A mum takes her relucatant 14 year old daughter to the doctors, to check out her weight gain.
The doc examines the girl, and says 'well congratulations, you will be a grandmother in a few months'
The mum is horified and explains that its not possible, the girl is a virgin, never goes anywhere and doesn't even have a boyfriend. The young girl agrees and nods, butter wouldnt melt in her mouth.
The doctor goes to the window, sighs and looks at the horizon.

After a few minutes the mum starts to get a bit annoyed, 'What are you doing doctor ?'
'Just a bit curious. The last time this type of thing happened there was a new star in the East.'

[Churchill]

My Uncle was a crap ventriloquist, he used to shove his hand up my arse and tell me to say nothing...