Please put more jokes here

[BrilloPad]

A little old lady is walking down the street carrying two plastic bin bags. Every few feet a £20 note flies out of one bag. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.

'Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of one of your bags,' he says. 'Can you explain?'

'Yes,' the old lady replies. My garden backs onto a football stadium and fans pee through the bushes onto my flowers. So I wait with my shears and each time a man sticks his thing through, I grab it and say '£20 or off it comes!'

'That's not a bad idea,' the officer laughs. 'But what's in the other bag?'

'Well,' the little old lady says, 'some of them don't pay up.'

[BrilloPad]

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response
Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

[BrilloPad]

THE NEW PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password to log-on in future.

Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P...

E...


N...


I...


S...

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied,

***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[BrilloPad]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

[EternalOptimist]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

heh heh. now lets find the male version

[EternalOptimist]

Womens Personal Ads - translations

40ish............................................. .49
Adventurous....................................... .Slept with all your mates
Athletic.......................................... .No Tits
Average looking....................................Has a face like an arse
Beautiful......................................... .Pathological liar
Contagious smile...................................Does a lot of pills
Educated.......................................... .****ed to death at college
Emotionally secure.................................On medication
Feminist.......................................... .Fat
Friendship first...................................Former slut/born again virgin
Fun............................................... .Annoying
Gentle............................................ .Dull
Good listener......................................Auti stic
New Age............................................Bod y hair problems
Old fashioned......................................No blow jobs or anal
Open minded........................................Desp erate
Outgoing.......................................... .Loud and embarrassing
Passionate........................................ .Sloppy drunk
Poet.............................................. .Depressive
Professional...................................... .Bitch
Romantic.......................................... .Fridgid
Social............................................ .Fanny like a wizards sleeve
Voluptuous........................................ .Very fat
Large lady.........................................Hugel y Fat
Wants soulmate.....................................Stalk er
Widow............................................. .Murderer

[FiveTimes]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[EternalOptimist]

st Peter - 'Carols ?'

third man - 'Yeth, you know, Chrithmath thongs'




igmc

[Swiss Tony]

2 Cows....

After the recent teetering-on-the-edge-of-total-economic-and-financial-meltdown couple of weeks, it seems the economic systems and their workings have pushed their way into the need-to-know-category.

Well, thanks to a friend from rural Ireland we can now simplify it all down to what makes sense, and explain 21 economic models using cows. It is remarkable how much sense it all makes.



SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.



COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh#t out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[BrilloPad]

On their wedding night in a hotel, a bride asks her groom: 'Why is your penis the shape of a corkscrew?'

'Well,' he explains to her, 'all men are the same.'

'I've seen one or two willies before,' she admits. 'and they weren't like yours.'

So she tells him to go to the gents downstairs and take a casual look at the other men.

The groom does this.

'Now I see where I'm going wrong,' he says when he gets back. 'Other men shake their willies - but I wring mine out!'