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Please put more jokes here

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    There is a little joke I came up with:

    The HMRC inspector is looking at a contract and eyeing the substitute clause, then says:
    - Have you ever provided a substitute before? If not, then we are not sure you actually can.
    The poor contractor says:
    - Sir, have you ever died before?



    It's my first post! Hello everyone.

    Comment


      Good start Mr New Person. Not some boring political comment!
      bloggoth

      If everything isn't black and white, I say, 'Why the hell not?'
      John Wayne (My guru, not to be confused with my beloved prophet Jeremy Clarkson)

      Comment


        A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
        She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
        "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
        Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
        The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
        The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
        He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
        The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
        Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
        "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

        "Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
        Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
        “And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
        Brexit is having a wee in the middle of the room at a house party because nobody is talking to you, and then complaining about the smell.

        Comment


          It's only 35 claps to Christmas!
          {emotionless greeting}

          Three Word Slogan

          Comment


            Originally posted by WTFH View Post
            It's only 35 claps to Christmas!
            Naff off
            Doing a stroll around Windsor on 11 Sept 2 Oct for Alzheimer's Society. You can chuck me a few quid here if you like: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lmallen-1

            Comment


              Originally posted by ladymuck View Post
              Naff off

              Asking a mod to "naff off" is a naffable request.
              {emotionless greeting}

              Three Word Slogan

              Comment


                During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.

                “Ah, Dr. Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.

                The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.”
                Doing a stroll around Windsor on 11 Sept 2 Oct for Alzheimer's Society. You can chuck me a few quid here if you like: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lmallen-1

                Comment


                  As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky. “You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.

                  “Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”

                  “Two.”
                  Doing a stroll around Windsor on 11 Sept 2 Oct for Alzheimer's Society. You can chuck me a few quid here if you like: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lmallen-1

                  Comment


                    What has four legs and one arm?

                    A happy pit bull.
                    Doing a stroll around Windsor on 11 Sept 2 Oct for Alzheimer's Society. You can chuck me a few quid here if you like: https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/lmallen-1

                    Comment


                      a fairly pished glaswegian is leaning against a lamp post in george square, when an american tourist, looking at the accretion of birdtulip over all the statues, comments
                      'this is the asshole of europe!'
                      to which the weegie replies
                      'aye, and you're jist passin' through'

                      Comment

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