Please put more jokes here

[elsergiovolador]

There is a little joke I came up with:

The HMRC inspector is looking at a contract and eyeing the substitute clause, then says:
- Have you ever provided a substitute before? If not, then we are not sure you actually can.
The poor contractor says:
- Sir, have you ever died before?



It's my first post! Hello everyone.

[xoggoth]

Good start Mr New Person. Not some boring political comment!

[darmstadt]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"
She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."
Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.
“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[WTFH]

It's only 35 claps to Christmas!

[ladymuck]

It's only 35 claps to Christmas!

Naff off

[WTFH]

Naff off

Asking a mod to "naff off" is a naffable request.

[ladymuck]

During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.

“Ah, Dr. Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.

The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.”

[ladymuck]

As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky. “You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.

“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”

“Two.”

[ladymuck]

What has four legs and one arm?

A happy pit bull.

[BR14]

a fairly pished glaswegian is leaning against a lamp post in george square, when an american tourist, looking at the accretion of birdtulip over all the statues, comments
'this is the asshole of europe!'
to which the weegie replies
'aye, and you're jist passin' through'