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Please put more jokes here

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    What's the first thing that elves learn at school?


    The Elfabet.
    {emotionless greeting}

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      If George Michael was an organ donor, it's actually possible that last Christmas he really did give someone his heart.
      {emotionless greeting}

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        I just finished an exam on Erectile Dysfunction and passed it with flying colours.

        To be honest I thought it would have been harder.
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          My wife and I have decided we don't want children. If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow.
          The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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            My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.
            The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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              Paddy and the Taxman

              The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

              The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

              'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a demonstration?'

              The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

              Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

              The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'
              Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

              The auditor's jaw drops.

              Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other eye.'

              The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

              'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet
              you six thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and piss into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

              The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

              Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains for all his worth , he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

              The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win. But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

              'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

              'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.'

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                I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon. They sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.
                The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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                  Fortune teller: "Your wife will meet a violent end."
                  Customer: "Will I be found guilty?"
                  The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

                  Comment


                    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

                    After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

                    She says, 'What's the story?'

                    He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

                    She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

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                      Two priests are driving down the road when they are stopped by two police officers.

                      "We're looking for two child molesters," the officers tell them.

                      The priests look at each other and say, "we'll do it!"
                      The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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