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Please put more jokes here

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    BrilloPad 98
    Colemanisor 34
    Money Money Money 20
    TazMaN 18
    richard-af 18
    TheFaQQer 17
    Swiss Tony 16
    FiveTimes 14
    wobbegong 13
    zeitghost 11
    daviejones 10


    I am the joke master. yeaaahhhh!!

    Comment


      Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
      its odd - I must google this. Helps understand how to influence people...
      apparently its not a trick - if people have a clear mind then most will answer red and hammer. But the 98/2 thingy is nonsense.

      Comment


        Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
        BrilloPad 98
        Colemanisor 34
        Money Money Money 20
        TazMaN 18
        richard-af 18
        TheFaQQer 17
        Swiss Tony 16
        FiveTimes 14
        wobbegong 13
        zeitghost 11
        daviejones 10


        I am the joke master. yeaaahhhh!!

        Well done!

        I think you are also, naturally, the most frequent victim of the weird moderation of words e.g.

        tulipsu, John Hannoddy and noddyy!!
        If you find this post offensive, please insert "Chan" before and "tho" after, then it should be OK.

        Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being - Elvis Costello

        Comment


          Originally posted by Chantho View Post
          Well done!

          I think you are also, naturally, the most frequent victim of the weird moderation of words e.g.

          tulipsu, John Hannoddy and noddyy!!
          thank you old chap - much appreciated.

          I find it weird - "never mind the buzznoddys"

          Comment


            A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes...........BOOM!!!

            A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of
            hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

            'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

            'No' replies the old man, 'I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

            'But this is wonderful news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'. With this he carries on
            climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with
            long hair and a long white beard.

            'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

            'No' replies the old man, 'I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs'.

            'But this is amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!!!!.

            With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

            'Excuse me sir' he says 'are you Mohammed?'

            'No' replies the old man, 'I am God.'

            'But this is absolutely amazing news' screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!!!!!'

            'You look tired my son' said God 'would you like to sit down and rest a while?'

            'Oh yes' replied the bomber 'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you'.

            The bomber sits down and God says 'You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?'

            'Oh yes please' replies the bomber 'I am most thirsty, thank you'.

            With this God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts 'Oi', Mohammed, two coffees over here, and make it snappy!!'
            "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier"

            Comment


              The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent
              warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome).

              A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world.
              The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement
              Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have
              started in Ireland in 1500 BC, the disease seems to affect people
              who congregate in Pubs and Taverns or who just congregate. It is not
              known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion
              people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases
              appearing every day. Early symptoms of the disease include an
              uncontrollable urge at 5:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic
              beverage. This urge is most keenly felt on Fridays. More advanced
              symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key,
              aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence (even towards
              fuglies), uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and
              unprovoked arguing.

              In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed,
              and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance,
              loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes
              death ensues, usually accompanied by the victim shouting, "Hey Fred,
              bet you can't do this!" or "Wanna see how fast it goes??"

              If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you
              quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or
              all the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease
              can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following
              Friday.

              Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost
              property, killer headaches and divorce.

              On the up side, there is not, and probably never will be, a
              permanent cure.

              Comment


                True Newspaper Stories (Allegedly...)

                Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
                her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
                Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

                Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
                they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they
                don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

                After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of
                Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist
                B@stards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr.
                B@stards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in
                his new name. (The Guardian)

                There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left
                a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on (Glasgow Evening News)

                A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
                rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman
                commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

                At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
                spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was
                sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind
                had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

                Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
                her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to
                do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd
                always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the
                middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler".
                (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

                Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,
                a spokesman for North West gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
                time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
                during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

                Comment


                  A bus station is where a bus stops.
                  A train station is where train stops.
                  On my desk, I have a work station.
                  what more can I say.

                  Comment


                    SARS or SLOPS ?

                    The World Health Organisation today issued a new warning against
                    non-essential travel to the entire Western hemisphere following renewed
                    concerns about the spread of Severe Loss of Perspective Syndrome (SLOPS).
                    Officials are warning travellers not to visit the UK, the US, almost all of
                    Western Europe, and Canada, following further outbreaks of the disease,
                    which has led to mass panic among the media, thousands of ecstatic children
                    being kept out of school by their credulous and moronic parents, and
                    increased profits for DIY stores as the idiot public rush to bulk-buy face
                    masks and boiler suits.

                    A WHO spokesman said, "You'd be much better off going to somewhere like
                    Thailand or China, because all you've got to worry about there is SARS, and
                    let's face it, you're about as likely to die from that as you are to get
                    kicked to death by a gang of zombie nuns."

                    The SARS virus has now claimed a staggering 500 lives in only six months,
                    which makes it considerably more deadly than, say, malaria, which only
                    kills
                    around 3000 people every single day. Malaria, however, mainly effects only
                    darkies what speak foreign, whereas SARS has made at least one English
                    person feel a bit iffy for a couple of days, and is therefore considered
                    much more serious.

                    The spread of SLOPS has now reached pandemic proportions, with many
                    high-level politicians seemingly affected by the disease. The rapid spread
                    of SLOPS has been linked to the end of the war in Iraq and the need for
                    Western leaders to give the public something to worry about. Otherwise,
                    they
                    might start asking uncomfortable questions about domestic issues, and that
                    simply would not do.

                    Comment


                      Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.

                      The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as
                      well as informative:

                      Dear Dr. Laura:

                      Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
                      the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

                      I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
                      specific laws and how to follow them.

                      1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

                      2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

                      3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

                      4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
                      female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

                      5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

                      6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
                      abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

                      7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

                      8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

                      9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

                      10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

                      I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


                      Your devoted fan,
                      Jim.

                      Comment

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