Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

One for Brillo

I saw a mate after quite a while and asked how his life was going. "I married two women since we last met."

"It must have been a hectic year for you!"

"Yeah, I'm never officiating a lesbian wedding again!"

[vetran]

An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families. The Englishman said,"I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I"d have a football team."The American said,"I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I"d have an american football team."The Arab said," I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!"

[vetran]

My wife got a ladder in her tights.
She truly is the most talented shoplifter ever.

[vetran]

Feckin Brexit, man.

What a Jamaican says when the bed frame is so shaky that it might break during sex.

[vetran]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies," He responded.

"Oh, killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?

He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[vetran]

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure ... go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

[vetran]

What's blue and f*cks old ladies? Hypothermia, (yawn).

What's blue and f*cks everyone? The Conservative 2017 election manifesto.

[vetran]

There were ten in the bed and the little one said, "These ******* N.H.S. cuts are ridiculous."

[vetran]

Pulling NLYUK

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double..?
'What's that..?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - really excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'My Lucky Night',.
So I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake"..?

[vetran]

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?