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    Seen on one of the agony aunt pages.

    Dear Gail,

    I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now, I really
    like her and want to take the relationship to the next level. I have one
    problem though. On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't
    remember if she said she had TB or VD.
    What should I do?

    Redhill, Surrey.

    Dear Lovelorn:

    If she coughs, fluk her.


      A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
      and sits next to an elderly woman.

      She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you...."
      "You're going straight to hell!"

      The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the
      wrong bus!"


        U.S. penis comes up short in Brazil size survey
        By Phil Stewart

        BRASILIA (Reuters) - Brazilian men boast longer penises than their American counterparts, at least according to a survey of male genitalia conducted by a Brazilian urologist.

        Dr. Paulo Palma said on Friday the average erect Brazilian penis reaches 5.7 inches (14.5 cm)-- about the length of a Nokia cellular telephone with the antenna.

        Palma said that compares with an average erect American penis of about 5 inches (12.9 cm)-- the length of a Nokia cellular phone without the antenna.

        "The tendency is that Brazilian penises are bigger," Palma said in a telephone interview with Reuters. "But American men shouldn't be upset about this small difference."

        He added that women only have sensitivity within the first 3.1 inches (8 cm) of the vagina, making what he called abnormally large "porn star" penises not only ineffective but painful for women. A man only needs a penis of 2.7 inches (7 cm) for him and his partner to enjoy intercourse, he said.

        Palma's survey made the cover of this week's edition of major Brazilian news magazine Istoe, which did a story on what it called the local obsession with large genitalia.

        But Palma's methodology has been challenged. He said he only conducted tests on 150 Brazilian men, and took his U.S. data from a 1997 study presented by the American Urological Association.


        One critic is Brazil's Dr. Bayard Santos, author of the book "The Measure of Man" and a specialist in penis enlargement. Santos said his survey of 2,188 men in southern Brazil showed the average size of the nation's penises was 5.9 inches (15 cm)-- a full 0.19 inches (0.5 cm) longer than Palma's estimate. He also believes that differences between U.S. and Brazilian penises have been exaggerated.

        Santos stressed that for love making purposes, the most important aspect of the penis is its width -- adding anything less than about 3.5 inches (9 cm) in circumference is not enough to satisfy a woman.

        But, unlike Palma, Santos defends a large penis as a symbol of a man's masculinity. He says men who want to increase the size of their genitalia shouldn't be scorned.

        "The penis is symbolic of the man," Santos said. "If a woman has the right to use breast implants, then why can't a man increase the size of his penis?"

        He is competing for mention in the Guinness Book of World Records for the world's biggest penis enlargement, safely transforming one of his patient's genitalia from 4.3 inches (11 cm) in 1994 to 10.6 inches (27 cm) today.


          >Penis breath, a lover's dread,
          >Is what you get when you give head.
          >Unpleasant as it tends to be,
          >Be grateful that he doesn't pee.
          >It's times like this, you wonder why,
          >You bothered reaching for his fly.
          >But it's too late, can't be a tease,
          >Accept the facts, get on your knees.
          >You know you've got a job to do,
          >So open wide and shove it through,
          >Lick the tip then take it all.
          >Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.
          >Slide up and down, use your tongue.
          >And feel the precum start to run,
          >Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
          >So when the hell's he gonna cum?
          >Just, when you can't take anymore,
          >You hear your lover's mighty roar.
          >And when he hits that real high note,
          >You feel it oozing down your throat.
          >Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
          >Okay already, that's enough.
          >Let's switch you say, before you gag,
          >And what revenge, you're on the rag!
          >Eating out and chowing down,
          >but tonight I'm not out on the town.
          >Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
          >well at the least it tastes like fish.
          >Time to overcome my fears,
          >as she drags me down there by my ears,
          >to feast upon her hairy pie,
          >where pubes and stubble jab my eye.
          >She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
          >I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
          >Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
          >got to be careful or I'm in the tulip.
          >Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
          >the things I do just for a poke.
          >Up, down and right a bit,
          >where the hell does she keep her clit?
          >I'll never find it here like this,
          >fanny design just takes the piss.
          >To find my way around her twat,
          >I'll need a torch and miners hat.
          >I think my tongue is failing me,
          >Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
          >I've been licking her minge for years.
          >I wish I could breathe through my ears.
          >God I hope that she comes quick,
          >since my neck's developing a crick.
          >I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
          >under the covers, eating split beaver,
          >I must have hit the right spot at last,
          >cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
          >her thighs clamp tight around my head,
          >and her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed.
          >She's coming at last and making a racket,
          >her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
          >I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
          >that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair.
          >And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
          >and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
          >But she thinks it's funny,
          >and starts taking the piss,
          > but she soon stops her laughing,
          >when I move in for a kiss.


            Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a
            knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
            Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You

            Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is
            standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to
            louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've
            obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his

            The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,
            little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He
            thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You
            Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the
            Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, push off! You've got the wrong
            bloke!, I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face

            The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
            hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the
            little Chinese man thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You
            You sign!"

            Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
            Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by
            his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you
            understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give
            these to?". The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled,
            clipboard, and says:
            "You not Nissan Maindealer?"


              Check this for a supposedly authentic Letter sent to Dear
              Deirdre Advice Column in the Sun from Gavin of London.

              I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South
              London and one of my sisters,who lives in Brixton, is married
              to a guy from Cardiff.

              My father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing
              and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two
              sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who
              is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood
              Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, and
              the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre
              on charges of incest with his three children.

              I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai
              prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl"
              in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she
              has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to
              marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into
              the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé
              utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the

              I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining
              our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute
              themselves, it would at least get them off the streets
              and hopefully the heroin.

              My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to
              bringing her into the family and of course I want to be
              totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my
              brother-in-law being Welsh?


                Most Embarrassing Moments

                In her memoirs, Barbara Bush described one of those most embarrassing
                moments that inevitably occur, even on the most carefully advanced of
                foreign trips. Along with her husband, then the Vice President, Mrs.
                Bush was lunching with Emperor Hirohito at Tokyo's Imperial Palace.

                Sitting next to the Emperor, Mrs. Bush found the conversation an
                uphill task. To all her efforts at verbal engagement, the Emperor
                would smile and say "Yes" or "No," with an occasional "Thank You"
                tossed in for good measure. Looking around her elegant surroundings,
                she complimented Hirohito on his official residence. "Thank you," he
                said. "Is it new?" pressed Mrs. Bush. "Yes." "Was the old palace just
                so old that it was falling down?" asked the intrepid visitor. In his
                most charming, yet regal, manner, Hirohito replied: "No, I'm afraid
                that you bombed it." Mrs. Bush turned to her other lunch partner.


                  Stupid Shell Tricks

                  Note that the '%' prompt indicates that the command should be issued from the C shell, and the '$' prompt indicates the Bourne shell.

                  % rm meese-ethics
                  rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

                  % ar m God
                  ar: God does not exist

                  % "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
                  Unmatched ".

                  % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
                  Missing ].

                  % ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
                  Modifier failed.

                  % If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
                  Too many ('s.

                  % make love
                  Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

                  % sleep with me
                  bad character

                  % got a light?
                  No match.

                  % man: why did you get a divorce?
                  man:: Too many arguments.

                  % ^What is saccharine?
                  Bad substitute.

                  % %blow
                  %blow: No such job.

                  % \(-
                  (-: Command not found.

                  % sh

                  $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
                  no sense in pretending!

                  $ drink < bottle; opener
                  bottle: cannot open
                  opener: not found

                  $ mkdir matter; cat > matter
                  matter: cannot create


                    A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat next
                    to a very attractive woman.
                    He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch
                    for a moment.
                    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
                    "No", he replies, "I've just been given this state-of-the-art
                    watch (by Q) and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A
                    state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
                    "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he
                    explains."What's it telling you now?"
                    "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..." The woman giggles
                    and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"

                    Bond tut tuts, taps his watch and says "Damn thing must be an
                    hour fast."


                      "The Penis Poem"
                      My nookie days are over,
                      My pilot light is out,
                      What used to be my sex appeal,
                      Is now my water spout.

                      Time was when, on its own accord,
                      From my trousers it would spring,
                      But now I've got a full-time job,
                      To find the blasted thing.

                      It used to be embarrassing,
                      The way it would behave,
                      For every single morning,
                      It would stand and watch me shave.

                      Now as old age approaches,
                      It sure gives me the blues,
                      To see it hang its little head,
                      And watch me tie my shoes!