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    Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
    Versions of the Gloria Gaynor's famous song...."I Will Survive"

    blokes version.........

    At first I was afraid I was petrified
    By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side I would've drunk a little less,
    I would've tried to keep my head.
    If I'd known for just one second you'd Assault me in your bed.

    I tried to go, walk out the door
    But you've been sitting on my legs and I Can't feel them anymore
    And now you're sitting on my face, my nose Has vanished - not a trace,
    I only hope that your big knickers are not Made of liquorice lace

    I want to go, I've got to leave
    Before your fat and naked body makes me want to heave
    I Only hope that no one saw me walking home With such a slut.
    Oh God the things that you can get up to when you're Half cut.

    I can't believe, I'm lying here.
    It's all 'cos of that f**king evil drink that We call beer
    You can all sod your beer goggles, tulip I must Have been blind
    To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind.
    Please let me go, I'm getting scared
    There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly Breasts from being bared.
    I think that I must have been mad, God what Made me want to court her?
    With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just Filled up with water

    It's time to go, run out the door
    She's started hinting that she wants sex on her Dirty lino floor
    I don't think there's anything worse Than the al-co-hol-ics curse.

    To which the girls reply.........

    Female Version...........

    At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
    By the ugly winker that was lying by my side. I would've drunk a little less, I
    Tried to keep my head,
    If I'd know for just one second I'd be in Your crusty bed...

    I tried to go, walk out the door.
    But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I fell on the floor.
    Your butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
    But I'd rather look at that, than at your F***ing ugly face...!

    I want to go, I've got to leave.
    Your talk of chicks and football really makes Me want to heave.
    I only know I've got to stop my drinking Spirts and the beer
    Coz when I looked at you last night, hell, you Looked just like Richard Gere !

    I can't believe, that we both shagged.
    You should be wearing concrete shoes or should be Simply bound and gagged.
    I'm ******* off right now, I'm jumping on the Flippin' train
    And I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed Your greebies down the drain.

    Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
    We had the worst sex in the world and you're A bloody ugly *****
    I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat
    But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm Stuck with you, you twat.

    It's time to go, run out the door.
    You look so ugly it should really be against the law. I'm going to give up all
    the booze, I'm gonna
    Have no stupid fun
    Coz waking up beside you makes me
    Want to be a nun !
    There should be a law against this kind of thing.

    We're losers not gainers (Gaynors) by reading these awful versions.


      A huge flood occurs in the town the priest lived in, and
      he has to climb up on his roof to escape the water. As the
      water is rising almost to the roof, a canoe comes by and the
      man says, "come into the boat and I will save you!!"
      The priest says, "I will stay here, God will save me!"

      As the water is at his feet, a motorboat comes by, and
      the people say, "Come priest we will save you!"
      The priest says, "God will save me!"

      As the water is almost up to his chin, a helicopter comes
      overhead, and they say "climb into the plane,"
      and the priest says again "No, God will save me!"

      At the point of almost drowning, the priest says "God , I
      have been a good priest, and have always prayed to you. Why
      wont you save me?"
      Suddenly the voice of God answers, "What more could i do?
      I already sent you two boats and a helicopter!"


        "The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
        ....George W. Bush, Jr.

        "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
        ....George W. Bush, Jr.

        "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same
        from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where
        are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there
        oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

        "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
        century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

        "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
        - but that could change."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

        "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
        word is 'to be prepared'."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

        "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

        "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "The future will be better tomorrow."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "We're going to have the best educated American people in the >world."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97

        "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
        a tremendous impact on history."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

        "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
        commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "Public speaking is very easy."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        to reporters in 10/9 "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr

        "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my
        answer has been direct & simple:
        Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
        Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
        ....George W. Bush, Jr.

        "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

        "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

        "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

        "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

        "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George
        Bush may or may not make."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
        mistakes we may or may not have made."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
        our air and water that are doing it."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

        "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
        ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.


          Darwin Awards 2000
          > They have finally been released! For those not
          > familiar with the Darwin Award, It's an annual honor given to the person
          > who provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting
          > killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, competition
          > this year has been tough again. Some candidates appear to have trained
          > their whole lives for his event!
          > 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got
          > stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through
          > an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
          > 2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco
          > stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife,
          > accidentally jogged off 100-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
          > 3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an
          > 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.
          > Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from
          > the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday
          > afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on
          > the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to
          > claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach
          > him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free
          > him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
          > hospital.
          > 4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in
          > Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he
          > was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed
          > in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as
          > he hit the floor.
          > 5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet
          > Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey
          > Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the
          > flakvest Berrena was wearing.
          > 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in
          > February in Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he
          > would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull
          > the trigger.
          > 7. In February, according to police in Windsor,
          > Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on
          > collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing
          > with their snowmobiles.
          > 8. Brad Putnick, 52, of Wayne's Knee, Texas was
          > killed in his own swimming pool when he used a mains-connected electric
          > drill with a screw-driver attachment to try to remove the filter cover
          > which had become clogged with debris. Having decided not to drain the pool
          > first, Brad donned a pair of swimming goggles and snorkel before plunging
          > into the shallow end, drill in hand, with the obvious fatal consequences.
          > 1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to
          > kill a millipede with a shot from his 22-calibre rifle, but the bullet
          > ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the
          > head, fracturing his skull.
          > 2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins,
          > attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom
          > in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and
          > second floors of his house.
          > 3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover
          > Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a
          > quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around
          > at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the
          > window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that
          > the window was closed.
          > MORE ALSO RANS
          > TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with
          > several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had
          > bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The
          > conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the
          > walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the
          > bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who
          > had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
          > lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured around
          > Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40
          > feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He
          > miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by
          > two nearby fishermen. "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was
          > watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for
          > it." Bingham's foot was never located.
          > AND THE WINNER:
          > 1. PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper
          > Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal
          > laxative and more than bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
          > plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200
          > pounds of poop! Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting
          > to give the Ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast
          > unloaded on him like a dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the
          > elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground, where
          > he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
          > to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police
          > detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
          > dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that
          > time he suffocated. "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
          > happen.


            Some tips for any of you that are in pursuit of a career in the "Blues":

            1. Most blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'....." This is to
            differentiate blues musicians from most other musicians, who
            sleep past noon.

            2. The nice thing about the blues is that once you've written the
            first line, you're pretty much done with the second line, too.

            3. Chevys and Cadillacs are blues cars. Other acceptable blues modes
            of transportation are as follows:

            a. Greyhound bus
            b. southbound train
            c. walkin'

            4. Teenagers shouldn't sing the blues until they're old enough to
            get the electric chair if they shoot a man in Memphis.

            5. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Vail, or any
            town whose name ends in "Beach." St. Louis, Chicago and Kansas
            City are other good towns for the blues.

            6. Shot in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is
            the electric chair. It is not a blues death if you die during
            liposuction treatment.

            7. You have the right to sing the blues if:

            a. you're blind
            b. you shot a man in Memphis
            c. you can't be satisfied

            8. But not if:

            a. you shot an 85 at golf
            b. your Dad left you a trust fund
            c. you once were blind but now can see

            9. Good places for the blues:

            a. a highway
            b. a jailhouse
            c. an empty bed
            d. a freight train

            10. Bad places for the blues:

            a. Yellowstone National Park
            b. The country club
            c. gallery openings
            d. The Hamptons

            11. If you ask for water and yo 'baby' give you gasoline, that's the
            blues. Other blues drinks include:

            a. wine
            b. whiskey
            c. muddy water

            12. Blues beverages do not include:

            a. any drink with an umbrella
            b. any wine kosher for Passover
            c. Yoo Hoo (all flavours)
            d. Jello shots

            13. Picking a blues name:

            a. start with an infirmity (Blind, Li'l, Fat, Lame, Clubfoot)
            b. add Willie, Johnny or Joe
            c. Pick a U.S. President (Washington, Johnson, Fillmore, or
            d. Persons with names like Ashley, Chad, Kimberly, McKenzie,
            Brad or Tyler may not sing the blues, no matter how many
            men they shoot in Memphis.


              The 9 Types of Boyfriends

              Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
              Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling,
              Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
              Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
              Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

              Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.

              Let's stay home and watch TV."
              Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
              Mover, Jerk
              Advantages: Stays put; predictable
              Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

              Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
              Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
              Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
              Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

              Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
              Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk,
              Big 'n' Dumb
              Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
              Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

              Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
              Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum,Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug
              Advantages: Well rested; easy target
              Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

              The Sneak - "Who, me?"
              Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
              Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
              Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

              Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
              weasels, OK?"
              Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
              Advantages: Perpetually aroused
              Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

              The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't
              know how, but--"
              Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind,
              Advantages: Tells good stories
              Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

              Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love
              like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
              Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
              Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
              Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

              The 9 Types of Girlfriends

              Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you
              shouldn't have"
              Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main

              squeeze doormat
              Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
              Disadvantages: May wise up someday

              Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent
              son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
              Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog
              from Hell
              Advantages: Pays attention to you
              Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

              Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
              Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
              Advantages: Predictable
              Disadvantages: Contagious

              The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a
              haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that
              look." Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball
              Chain, ye Mom
              Advantages: Often right
              Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

              Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my
              career, goals, home, and hair color?"
              Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
              Advantages: Easily soothed
              Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

              Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make
              love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
              Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed
              out Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
              Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

              Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep
              snickering at"
              Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
              iceberg, Snarly
              Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
              Disadvantages: You will have no friends

              Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how
              I feel about our relationship"
              Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
              Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
              Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

              Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are,
              my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like
              crazed weasels now"
              Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
              Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
              Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you


                His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics absolutely
                guaranteed to make her look years younger.

                She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the
                "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband
                and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

                He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging
                from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure,

                "Oh, you're so sweet!"

                "Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."


                  A woman takes her clothes to the local Chinese Laundry every week to get
                  them cleaned.

                  She is pleased with the work that they do but is disturbed by dark
                  coloured stains that she constantly gets on her underclothes.

                  She leaves a note in her laundry bag,

                  "More soap on panties, Okay?"

                  Weeks pass and things still aren't getting better so she sends another

                  "More bleach on panties, Okay?"

                  The next day she gets a letter back from the laundry man saying,

                  "More paper on Ass, Okay?"


                    Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster. For
                    those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew
                    up and sank in the Arctic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians
                    tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object.
                    However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first,
                    then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A
                    whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of
                    the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occured.
                    It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.

                    While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
                    crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which
                    contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion.
                    As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes.

                    It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft
                    on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging
                    CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the
                    Russians didn't know about the legendary stability problems exhibited by
                    Windows. The log tapes make this painfully obvious:

                    Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?

                    Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.

                    Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into

                    [evil laughter in background]

                    Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows
                    for the first time".

                    [long pause]

                    Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.

                    Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.

                    Seaman: Aye Sir.

                    [another long pause]

                    Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM
                    drive and that it needs drivers.

                    Captain: Where are the drivers?

                    Seaman: On the CD-ROM.

                    Captain: You are joking, no?

                    Seaman: No Sir.

                    Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows.

                    [another long pause]

                    Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking
                    for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?

                    Captain: I do not think so.

                    Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.

                    [another long pause]

                    Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.

                    Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever.
                    Our hull is going to rust out before this works.

                    [another long pause]

                    Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!

                    Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?

                    Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.

                    Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see
                    how this works.

                    Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.

                    [another long pause]

                    Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?

                    Seaman: I have no idea Sir.

                    Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.

                    Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a

                    Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.

                    Seaman: Aye Sir.

                    [another long pause]

                    Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.

                    Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1!

                    [intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.

                    Captain: Click on the continue button.

                    Seaman: Aye Sir.

                    [another long pause]

                    Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.

                    Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.

                    Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.

                    Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.

                    Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.

                    Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.

                    Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.

                    [another really long pause]

                    Captain: Well?

                    Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute....

                    [a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom]

                    Captain: WTF was that?!?!?

                    Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire Control has
                    performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue.

                    Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?

                    Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!

                    Seaman: It is not responding Sir!

                    Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!

                    Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am
                    instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.

                    [another long pause]

                    Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.

                    Captain: Well no tulip. Tell it to 'end task'.

                    Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.

                    Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.

                    Seaman: Aye Sir.

                    [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]

                    Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!

                    Captain: Holy tulip! Not the blue screen of dea....

                    [ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing


                    The tape ends at this point.

                    During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in
                    the form of morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The
                    rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of
                    their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in morse code. The tapes of
                    the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this.

                    Where do you want to go today?


                      One weekend four married guys went golfing. During the 4th hole, the
                      following conversation took place.

                      First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
                      golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
                      room in the house next weekend."

                      Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
                      her a new deck for the pool."

                      Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that
                      I will remodel the kitchen for her."

                      They continued to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
                      has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything
                      about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.
                      What's the deal?"

                      Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut
                      off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golf course or
                      Intercourse?' She said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'