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    An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a very
    narrow field.
    (Neils Bohr)


      A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned
      that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30.

      One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living
      room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her
      husband sitting up in bed reading.

      "Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"


        > A man takes a week off and decides to play a round of golf everyday.
        > First thing Monday he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to
        > the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and as he gets closer to
        > her on the Par 3, he sees that she is a stunner. He's interested and
        > suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a
        > very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer
        > and she wins their little match on the last hole. He congratulates her in
        > the car park then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have
        > a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning. On the way to her
        > place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says
        > she hasn't enjoyed herself on the course for a long time. "In fact," she
        > says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated
        > everything". He pulls over, they kiss and she ends up giving him a blow
        > job.
        > The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggest they play
        > together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that
        > she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying
        > each others company and playing a tight round of golf. Again she pips him
        > at the last, and again he drives her home, and again she goes down on him
        > in appreciation.
        > This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly everyday.
        > This is a sore point for his male ego, but nevertheless in the car home on
        > Friday he tells her that he had such a fine week that he has a surprise
        > planned: dinner for two at a candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of
        > passion in the penthouse apartment of a city hotel. Surprisingly, she
        > burst into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what
        > the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth. You see," she says,
        > "I'm a transvestite."
        > He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a
        > screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion."I'm sorry" she
        > repeats.
        > "You cheating son of a bitch, you've been playing off the ladies tees all
        > week."


          There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square.

          The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square.

          One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a
          local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
          The local reaches out and softly cups the camels genitals in his hand, and
          raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't
          believe what he just saw.

          He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of
          fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the
          camel's genitals." One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local
          asks him the time, the same thing happens. It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to
          tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He
          walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camels

          The local says "Sit down here and grab the camels genitals".

          "OK," says the tourist.

          "Now, lift them up in the air."

          "OK," says the tourist.

          "Now, look underneath them, and... <pauses for effect> ...you can just see
          that big clock on the other side of the courtyard".


            ================================================== ==

            She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AUSTRALIAN.

            She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

            She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

            She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

            She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.


            She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

            She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

            She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

            She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

            She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

            She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

            She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

            She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

            She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

            She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

            She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.



            He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

            He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN


            He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION


            He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

            He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL

            He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED

            He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY

            He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED



              A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be
              stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a
              year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he
              wrote her a letter.

              "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time.
              Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in
              the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive
              native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be

              So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play

              Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
              "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make
              passionate love!"

              She kissed him and said, "First let's see you play that harmonica."


                Keyboard grime analysis

                Ever wondered what makes up the grimy residue that coats your computer keyboard?

                According to intensive research by AOL, it consists of bits of fingernails, hair, insects, vegetables and the odd cornflake crumb. And as if that isn't enough useless information for one Friday afternoon - here's some more. Britain's seven million online households accumulate 0.138 tonnes of this stuff every year.

                Thus AOL has teamed up with fast food outlet Domino's Pizza "to put a halt to the ever-growing mound of filth in and around the nation's PCs".

                The two companies sent a sample of one month's grime "chosen at random from a London company" to be analysed at Reading Scientific Search Laboratory. The major identifiable components, and their per centage of the total weight of grime are listed below.

                Corn Flakes 15%

                Boiled sweet 15%

                Noodles 7%

                Vegetable piece 4%

                Leaf 1%

                Pencil lead/shavings 1%

                Staple 1%

                Finger nail 1%

                Tape/plastic 1%

                Insect 1%

                Foil 1%

                Hair 1%

                Under the deal with Domino's, AOL users will be able to order pizza online - "a food easy and convenient to eat at the keyboard without crumbling or spillage," according to AOL


                  A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate
                  revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a tenant's
                  clogged toilet.

                  Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a
                  fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to
                  endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete
                  incompetent idiot.

                  Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his
                  clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated on fixing the
                  toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was
                  she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quietly into
                  his tool bag.

                  A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and told her and the
                  assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet!"

                  All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the woman turned a, bright
                  beet red.

                  The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped
                  around it.

                  The woman never complained again.


                    I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.


                      Around 4 years since we last had this one...

                      A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
                      Clearly impressed, he buys a pack and upon getting home he announces to
                      his wife the purchase he just made.

                      "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

                      "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

                      "What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

                      "Gold of course", says the man proudly.

                      The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice
                      if you came second for a change".