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Please put more jokes here

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    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
    > >
    Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
    > >
    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
    > >
    Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
    > >
    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
    > >
    Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
    > >
    And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


      Confusion is a natural state of being


        Subject: Good sex chain letter

        This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make their
        sexlife even more fantastic.

        As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing, and you can
        only win.

        Simply send this e-mail to 9 fellas who are just as virile as you.

        Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a large carton(don't
        forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the
        top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and
        you will receive 823,542 women through the post. Statistically, among
        those women, will be at least: 0.5 miss worlds 2.5 models 463 wild
        nymphos 3,234 good-looking nymphos 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
        40,198 bi-sexual women In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply
        hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted
        off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one
        of those that come back to you.


        One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9

        Of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing
        gown He sent her off in, with the same old migraine
        attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day,
        the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his
        old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had
        not sent the chain letter.)

        While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me
        has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from
        exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.


        This is a unique opportunity to achieve atotally satisfying sexlife.

        No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities
        (that only interest women) just so that you can screw
        her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant
        surprises like marriage or engagement.

        Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

        PS Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner.

        PPS This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can
        prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.


          Heard about the Ibizan terrorist?

          "All summer bin largin' it" !


            Q How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
            A They both have ornamental balls!


              Russian couple were walking down the street in
              Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit
              his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.

              "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

              "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".

              Well, as these things go, they were about to have
              a major argument about whether it was raining or
              snowing when they saw a communist party official
              walking toward them.

              "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask
              Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or

              As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us,
              Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

              "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.

              But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

              To which the man quietly replied:
              "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear"


                A woman walks into a supermarket and see some glitter tampons on the shelf. On the box it reads Especially for the Christmas period...


                  It's Christmas time and a wife is waiting at the gate for the bin men. When they arrive, one by one, she takes them to the bedroom and makes love to them. Finally, it's the driver's turn, but he's disappointed when she gives him £20.

                  'What's this?' he cries.

                  'For Christmas' she replies. 'My husband said, "Give the driver £20 and screw the rest!"


                    A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands
                    when his car broke down.
                    There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the
                    The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.
                    "My car has broken down," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
                    "Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail
                    yourself of our world famous hospitality."
                    The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie," shouted
                    the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his
                    beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and
                    remember to uphold our
                    great tradition of Highland hospitality."
                    The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had
                    indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
                    "And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk
                    the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our
                    world famous Highland hospitality."
                    No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about
                    seducing the lovely daughter.
                    In no time at all he had her on the floor and was on the job.
                    Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
                    He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with
                    He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to
                    his wrath.
                    "After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he
                    roared, "Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold


                      suffer from a severe stutter, which must have mad conversation difficult....

                      "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.

                      "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the

                      Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui

                      Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th

                      Oh bugger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone

                      She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.

                      "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.

                      "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

                      And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th

                      "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you can
                      answer a question without stuttering I'll let you shag me!" Quite confident
                      that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.

                      "Where do you live?" "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch

                      "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, she
                      asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not to laugh.

                      "E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

                      "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.

                      "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

                      "London" blurts out the Irishman.

                      "Oh. Bugger!" says the landlady. A great cheer goes up in the pub and the
                      landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs.

                      Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
                      exposing a voluptuous bosom. Finally she slides off her panties then climbs
                      into bed.

                      Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and then, right at
                      the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out

                      "...............- D D D D D Derry!!"