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Please put more jokes here

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    Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
    "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to
    report you." "But everyone pees in the pool," said Little
    Johnny. "Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the
    diving board!"


      The department store Santa has little Johnny on his lap and says to him,
      "I bet I know what you want for Christmas, little Johnny. You want some
      t-o-y-s", he says, touching Johnny's nose with his finger as he spells out
      the word toys.
      "No, I've got plenty of toys." replies Johnny.
      "Then I bet you want some g-a-m-e-s!" replied Santa, touching Johnny's
      nose with his finger as he spells out the word games.
      "No, I've got all the games I want." came Johnny's reply.
      "Well Johnny, you don't want any toys or games for Christmas, what do you
      want?" asked Santa.
      "I want some p-u-s-s-y," Johnny replied, touching Santa's nose with each
      letter, "And don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on
      your finger!"


        Martha Stewart is America's most prominent expert on handy home
        hints...She is full of sh*t.
        Martha Stewart vs Me:

        Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
        bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

        My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of
        the cone ... you are probably lying on
        the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.


        Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place
        an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

        My way: Buy Carnation mashed potato mix and keep it
        in the cupboard for up to a year.


        Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for
        flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix
        instead and there won't be any white mess on the
        outside of the cake.

        My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it
        for you.


        Martha's way #4: If you accidentally "over-salt" a dish
        while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and
        it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me

        My way: If you over salt a dish while you are
        cooking, that's too ******* bad. My motto: I made it and
        you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.


        Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
        putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for

        My way: Celery? Never heard of it.

        Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over
        pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy

        My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
        include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I
        don't do it.


        Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime,
        cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The
        throbbing will go away.

        My way: The only reason this works is
        because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
        getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
        isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now


        Martha's way #8: Don't throw out all that leftover
        wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
        casseroles and sauces.

        My way: Leftover wine?


        Martha's way #9: Potatoes will take food stains off
        your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the
        stains and rinse.

        My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the
        anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.


          "It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
          Joan Rivers
          "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports I'd have no sex life at all."
          Rodney Dangerfield
          "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences that money can buy."
          Steve Martin.
          "My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'."
          Emo Philips.
          "My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects."
          Les Dawson
          "I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
          Woody Allen
          "My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty."
          Woody Allen
          "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
          Woody Allen.
          "There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L convertible."
          "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
          Emo Philips.
          "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
          Steven Seagal
          "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
          Robin Williams
          "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
          Marilyn Pittman
          "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Harrods comes out with a ride-on vacuum cleaner."
          "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
          Johnny Carson
          "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
          Paul Rodriguez
          "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law."
          Jerry Seinfeld
          "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
          Oscar Wilde
          "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
          Mae West
          "Ah, yes, divorce , from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
          Robin Williams
          "When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car."
          Author Unknown
          Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".


            The Queen of England and the Pope are guests of honour at the Annual England vs Ireland Soccer Match.
            Both are getting right into the feel of things and the Queen leans over to the Pope and says, "I bet I can make all the English People in the crowd cheer wildly with a simple hand gesture."

            The Pope looks at her disbelievingly, so the Queen does her famous wave and all the English people in the crowd cheer wildly as one.

            The Pope leans over and says to the Queen, "That was nothing...I bet I can make all of the Irish People in the crowd party wildly for a week with just the nod of my head."

            The Queens says, "Well that is totally unbelievable - let's see."
            A split second later the Pope headbutts her......


              Your Health Questions Answered...

              Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
              A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't piss them away on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

              Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
              A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

              Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
              A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

              Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
              A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

              Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
              A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.

              Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?
              A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

              Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
              A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


                The following are all replies that women have put on British
                Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

                1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
                fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
                child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

                2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
                sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
                with a list of names of men that I think were at
                the party if this helps.

                3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived
                at a party [address and date given] where I had
                unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember
                that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do Manage to track down the
                father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

                4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He
                drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the
                door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this
                area and see if he's had it replaced.

                5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from
                Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that
                he is Christ risen again.

                6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me
                that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic
                implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing
                right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

                7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
                same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

                8. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
                him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

                9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
                Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

                10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
                sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.
                If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the
                party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilised.


                  Top 10 songs played on 95.8 Kabul FM on Sunday....

                  1 . Losing my religion - REM (Raving Edict Mullah mix)
                  2. Unchained Mullahdy - The Self Righteous Brothers
                  3. Aid Drops Keep Falling on my Head - Johnny Farnham
                  4. Living on a Prayer mat - TaliBon Jovi
                  5. Tented love - Soft (Terrorist) Cell
                  6. Do you really want to shoot me? - Boy George Bush & Capture Club
                  7. Rockin Allah-ver the World - Status Quaeda
                  8. I'm too extremist for my turban - Right Said Mullah Mohammed Omar
                  9. The Ayatollah Skank - Fatwa Boy Slim
                  10. (Come up and find me) Mecca me smile - Steve Harley & Northern
                  Rebel Alliance


                    Make sure you read beyond the Original Letter!

                    - Original Letter:

                    The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
                    September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
                    After September 11th, there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
                    119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11 (also 911 backwards)
                    Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
                    The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
                    State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
                    New York City - 11 Letters
                    Afghanistan - 11 Letters
                    The Pentagon - 11 Letters
                    Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted of orchestrating the attack at the
                    WTC in 1993)
                    Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11
                    Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11

                    response(composed by David Pawson):

                    Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name
                    "David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW!! See you in a few weeks.

                    Wait a sec ... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters!
                    What am I gonna do? Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I
                    can't believe it!

                    Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But oh no....... "PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!

                    Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11
                    letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."

                    I know, the Red Cross can help. No, they can't....11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them!

                    I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it,
                    too! Can someone help????

                    Anyone??? If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11

                    Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven

                    Noooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE"
                    has 11 letters.....

                    Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day
                    is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!

                    ~ Dave

                    P.S. "IT'S BULLtulip" has 11 letters also.


                      ADVICE FROM KIDS
                      "Never trust a dog to watch your food." - Patrick, age 10
                      "When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?' Don't answer." -
                      Hannah, age 9
                      "Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." - Michael, age 14
                      "Stay away from prunes." - Randy, age 9
                      "Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to." - Emily, age 10
                      When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." -
                      Taylia, age 11
                      "Never let your three-year old brother in the same room as your school
                      assignment." - Traci, age 14
                      "A puppy always has bad breath--even after eating a Tic-Tac." - Andrew,
                      age 9
                      "Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time." - Kyoyo, age 11
                      "You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." - Amir, age 9
                      "Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." - Kellie, age 11
                      "If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." - Naomi, age 15
                      "Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick." - Lauren, age 9
                      "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." - Joel, age 10
                      "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." - Alyesha, age 13
                      "Never try to baptize a cat." - Eileen, age 8