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Please put more jokes here

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    A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
    Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
    At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
    Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone
    was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French
    admiral suddenly complained that, 'Whereas Europeans learn many languages,
    Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always
    have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
    Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the
    Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
    to speak German.'

    You could have heard a pin drop.


    A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour.

    Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
    At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his
    bag. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer
    asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France
    'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
    The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'

    'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in

    The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly
    explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to
    help liberate this country, I couldn't find any French-men to show it to.'


      Sperm donor clinics in Manchester are closing for 3 days between the 20th and 22nd May 2008, as 40,000 of the regular w@nkers have flown to Moscow.....


        Not long after the Cold War began, it so happened that a socialist Welshman - John Jones by name - was in London. He happened to be sitting in a park one day when a man in a trench coat came and sat beside him.
        - Voud you be interested in spying on ze Briddish? asked the stranger in a thick Russian accent.
        - "Sure I would, boyo", said John Jones cheerfully. "For we Welsh have been oppressed for years. I'm on your side!"
        - Very well... Ze password vill be, "Ze geese fly high over ze frozen pond while ze sun shines." Got that?
        - "Right you are", says John. '"Ze geese fly high over ze frozen pond while ze sun shines. What do I have to do now?"
        - Nuzzing for ze moment... Ve vill activate you ven ve haf need of you. It may be a year, it may be 10 years, but ve vill. Vill you be ready? You vill remember ze password?
        - "I will", said John eagerly, and returned to his small home village in Wales.

        Although John waited eagerly, the call never came.
        Ten years, twenty, thirty ... until 1999, when a command came from the Russian HQ to activate agent John Jones immediately. A Russian agent headed for the little village where John Jones lived, only to find there were 300 John Joneses listed for the area. He scratched his head and decided that he would go to the local pub and try the password until he found his man.

        So, the Russian agent headed off to the local pub and ordered a pint of beer. He saw a man standing alone at one end of the counter, and thought he might as well begin. He sidled across to the solitary drinker, watching the crowd about him with cautious eyes.
        - Nice evening, said the Russian.
        - "Yes", said the drinker.
        - Is your name Jones? asked the Russian.
        - "Yes", said the drinker.
        - Funny, isn't it, said the Russian agent, the geese fly high over the wintry pond while the sun shines.
        The drinker tossed back his beer and said:
        - "It's not me you'll be wanting. You want Jones the spy, over by the window".


          Funny, isn't it, said the Russian agent, the geese fly high over the wintry pond while the sun shines
          I think you meant the Russian to have said "Ze geese fly high over ze frozen pond while ze sun shines" when questioning the man at the bar.
          Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

          C.S. Lewis


            A wife was becoming quite worried because her husband had not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game.

            As the hours passed she became more and more nervous. Finally, at about 8 p.m., her husband's golfing partner, Bob pulled into the driveway.

            "What happened? You guys should have been back hours ago! Where's Frank?" asked the wife.

            "Well, you see," replied Bob, "Frank had a heart attack at the third hole. Now don't worry, I took him to the hospital and he's going to be fine."

            "Oh, my God, that's terrible, my poor Frank, to think about how he must have been suffering through all that pain," sobbed the wife.

            "Oh?" Bob responded, "you think HE had it bad? What about me? How do you think I feel? Do you think I had it easy? All day long it was... "...hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the ball, drag Frank..."


              Guy goes into the doctor's.
              "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
              "How's that?"
              "Don't you f~%king start."


                Little Johnny is sitting on a park bench gobbling one chocolate bar after another. An old man sitting on the bench across from him watches in growing disbelief as little Johnny finishes his sixth bar and hauls out another. Unable to remain silent any longer, the old man says,
                "Son, don't you know that eating all those sweets isn't good for you? It'll make you sick, give you pimples, rot your teeth and you'll get fat."
                His face covered in chocolate, little Johnny replies,
                "Humph! My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
                So the man asks,
                "Did your grandfather eat loads and loads of sweets at a time?" Little Johnny answers,
                "No, he minded his own f~@king business!"


                  A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

                  Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

                  "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

                  "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts.

                  "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

                  "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

                  "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

                  Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

                  "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."


                    A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,

                    "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.

                    In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

                    One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

                    Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

                    Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

                    Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,

                    Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

                    "Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"

                    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


                      A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama last week when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.

                      The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
                      The judge dramatically allowed the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

                      Custody was granted to the Derby Football Team this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.