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Please put more jokes here

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    Q What happened to the short-sighted nudist who mixed up his run cream with his Deep Heat Rub?

    A He got great balls of fire.

    A woman rings her boss one morning and tells him:

    'I'm sorry but I won't be at work today. I've got anal blindness.'

    'What's that?' her boss asks.

    She replies: 'It's when I can't see me getting my arse out of bed today.'


      Man and girlfriend go to park after dark for some heavy petting. Sudddenly she says "I need to pee - I am going behind that bush". When she gets there the man feels very amourous - runs round the bush and grabs betwen her legs. He feels something long and hard. He says "Have you changed you sex" to which she replies "No I have changed my mind - I am having a dump".


        An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house, and after eating the wives went to the kitchen. The two gentleman were left talking and one said;
        "We went to a great restaurant the other night, I would recommend it very highly." The other man said "What was it's name?"

        The first man thought and thought and then said;
        "What is the name of the flower you give to someone who you love?".
        "You mean a rose ?" said the other gent.
        "Yes thats the one" replied the man.
        He looked towards the kitchen and yelled
        "Rose, What was the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?".


          A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things. During a check up the doctor says that physically they are OK, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

          Later that night , The old man gets up from his chai and says
          "Do you want anything from the kitchen?"
          "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
          "Sure" says the man
          "Don't you think you should write it down" she asks
          "No, I can remember that"
          "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, do you think you should write it down now, so you don't forget?"
          "No, You want ice cream with strawberries on top, I can remember that"
          "I'd also like some whipped cream, I'm certain you will need to write that down"
          Irritated the man says;
          "You want ice cream, with strawberries on top and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down, I can remember it, Okay?"
          Then he goes into the kitchen, after about 10 minutes he returns, and puts down a plate of bacon and eggs in front of the woman.
          She stares at the plate for a moment and then says
          "Where's my toast d!ckhead?".


            The Maid asked for a raise.

            The lady of the house was very upset about this and asked: 'Now, Maria, why do you want an increase?'

            Maria: 'Well, Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

            Lady of the house: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

            Maria: 'The Master said so.'

            Lady of the house: 'Oh.'

            Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

            Lady of the house: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I am?'

            Maria: 'The Master did.'

            Lady of the house: 'Oh.'

            Maria: 'My third reason is that I am better at sex than you.'

            Lady of the house (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

            Maria: 'No, Madam, the gardener did.'

            SHE GOT THE PAY RISE!!


              A distinguished young woman on a flight home asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
              'Of course my child. What may I do for you?'
              'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
              mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
              limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
              Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for
              me? Under your robes perhaps?'
              The priest answered: 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must
              warn you:
              I will not lie.'

              'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
              'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
              declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
              'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
              which is, to date, unused.' Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!


                Archangel Gabriel is having a break from heaven, and is wandering around London.
                As he walks past a park, he stops and admires the statues on the big gates. One is an eros, with a little bow and arrow, the other is a nymph, both made out of beautiful marble.
                On a whim, Gabriel waves his hand and the nymph comes to life
                'You have ten minutes of mortal life, do you have any requests ?'
                'Yes one, bring him to life'
                So Gabriel waved his hand again, and eros came to life.
                'For the last seventy years I have stared into your eyes'
                'Me too, likewise'
                'And I have had only one thought on my mind'
                'Me too, likewise'
                'And I thought, if I ever get that one chance, that one moment, i'll..'
                'Me too, likewise'
                'Shall we do it ?'

                So they disappeared into the bushes. The branches waved and there was a lot of rustling around. Gabriel was a little embarrassed.
                Five minutes later they emerged, puffing and panting and red in the face.
                'You still have four minutes left'
                They looked at each other 'Again ?' , 'Oh yes'

                So they disappeared into the bushes. The branches waved and there was a lot of rustling around. Gabriel was a little less embarrassed.
                Suddenly there was a lot of noise, and little Eros was shouting, so Gabriel went to have a peek.
                The nymph was holding a pigeon to the ground while Eros was squatting over it, squeezing out a log. 'Hold the b@stard down, I want to get him right on the top of his little fking head'

                ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work


                  'We have a new system at work,' a fireman says to his wife. 'Bell one means put on jackets. Bell two means jump on engine. So let's do the same. Bell one means strip. Bell two means jump in bed. Bell three means make love.'

                  That evening, the fireman shouts: 'Bell one!' And his wife strips. 'Bell two!' She jumps in bed. 'Bell three!' They start to make love. But then...

                  'Bell four!' his wife yells. 'Roll out more hose, you're nowhere near the fire!'

                  A man buys an inflatable sex doll but demands a refund, saying: 'It's got a penis!' 'No, sir,' the assistant says, 'you've just got it inside out.


                    Presumably that also happens if you overinflate it.

                    If everything isn't black and white, I say, 'Why the hell not?'
                    John Wayne (My guru, not to be confused with my beloved prophet Jeremy Clarkson)


                      Pinocchio is all grown up and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar and starts confiding in him.

                      'When I have sex with a girl,' he says, 'she always complains about splinters.'

                      Gepetto looks at him wisely and tells him that whenever he feels lucky, he should rub his member with a sheet of sandpaper.

                      A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street. He stops him and asks how it's going with the girls.

                      Pinocchio replies: 'Hey who needs girls?'