• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    One bad habit the Americans seem to have picked up from us Brits is that of running their prisons like holiday camps.

    I was reading that the inmates in Guantanamo Bay have access to all the bacon sandwiches they can eat and booze they can drink. Hell, some of them even get taken out for the day to go 'water-boarding'... sounds like fun


      what's the most popular cell phone provider in yorkshire?

      T' mobile.
      "Wait, I still function!"


        Ever noticed how if someone says, "It's an acquired taste", it's sh*t?
        "Wait, I still function!"


          Two gay guys are in a large passenger plane flying across the Pacific. In the middle of the flight, one turns and tells his partner: "Let's have sex. Right here and now." His partner says: "Are you crazy? In front of all these people?" The first gay guy says: "Don't worry. They're all asleep. Here, see for yourself." He leans out into the aisle and yells: "Excuse me, can anybody let me have a piece of gum?" There's no answer or any kind of interest. His partner is convinced and they have sex right then and there.

          The plane lands and as the passengers are disembarking there is a stewardess by the exit asking everyone if they had a good flight. One man says, "The flight was fine but I have a horrible headache". The stewardess says: "Oh you poor thing, why didn't you ask for some aspirin?" And the man says: "Are you kidding? I saw what happened to that poor guy who asked for a piece of gum."


            Crazy Complaints from people.......

            These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester council
            and Housing associations:

            1. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly
            when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

            2. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls
            against my fence.

            3. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from
            the wall.

            4. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
            tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?

            5. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
            color and not fit to drink.

            6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three

            7. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
            unsightly and dangerous.

            8. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would
            like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

            9. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
            please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me
            every night.

            10. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
            satisfy my wife.


              These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.

              First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

              The second guy, speaking very slowly, tells the first guy,

              "I.....w...a...s......a....l...m...o...s..t... .... .m..a...r...r...i...e..d"

              The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you've lost your stutter!"

              The reply comes, "Y..e..s, .I....w..e..n..t.....t..o.....a.....d..o..c..t.o.. r......a..n..d..... he..... t..o..l..d..... m..e..... t..h..a..t..... i..f.....I......s..p..e...a..k.... s..l..o..w.l..y....... I ....w..o..u..l..d..... n..o..t.... s..t..u...t..t..e..r."

              The friend congratulates him and then asks about how he was almost married.

              "W..e..l..l,..... m..y.....f..i..a..n..c..e..e....a...n..d........I. ..... w..e... r..e..... s.i.t..t..i..n..g.... o..n.....h..e...r....... p..o..r..c..h... a..n...d...... t..h..e...... d..o..g...... w..a...s..... s...c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g......h..i..s......b. .a..c..k.....s.o....... I..... t..o..l..d.... h.e..r......t...h..a.t......w...h..e..n..... w...e.....a..r..e.... m..a..r..r..i..e.d,........ s..h..e......c..a...n......d..o..... t..h..a..t..... f..o..r..... m..e...... a..n..d..... t..h..e..n.... s.h..e..... t..h..r..e..w....... t..h..e..... r..i..n..g..... i..n..... m..y..... f ..a..c..e"

              Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the friend.

              "W..e..l..l,.....I.....s..p..e..a..k.....s..o. .... s..l..o..w.l..y,.....t..h. .a..t....b..y......t..h ..e...... t..i...m...e..... s.h..e.....l..o..o..k..e..d a...t..... t..h..e ... .d..o..g,..... h..e ......w..a..s.......l..i..c..k..i..n..g.... .h..i..s .. b..a..l..l..s."


                A man comes home drunk at 4 am. His wife yells at him, convinced he’s been with another woman.
                ‘No,’ he protests. ‘I was at a fancy where even the urinals were made of gold.’
                His wife doesn’t believe him and insists on calling the bar herself.’
                ‘Hello, there’ she says. ‘My husband claims to have spent the night in your bar. Is it true your urinals are made of gold?’
                ‘Hey, Charlie,’ the barman shouts. ‘I think we’ve found the guy who urinated into your saxophone.’

                A group of girls are standing outside the disco. Their friend walks up looking completely different. ‘What happened to you?’ they asked.
                ‘I’ve had a sex change,’ the friend replied. ‘I’ve become a man.’
                ‘My god, that must have been painful,’ they said.
                ‘No,’ replied the friend. ‘I’ve had all the bits added and everything, no problem. The worst part was having my brain removed.’

                A woman is shopping for a bra, but she has an unusual problem. One of her breasts is much longer than the other one. The lingerie saleswoman notices her customer’s deformity and says, ‘I notice one of your breasts is longer than the other. How did that happen?’
                ‘To be honest with you,’ replies the woman. ‘My husband can’t sleep unless he has my breast in his mouth. That explains why one is so much longer than the other.’
                ‘How odd,’ says the saleswoman. ‘My husband does the exact same thing but my breasts are the same size.’
                ‘Yes,’ says the woman. ‘But I bet you don’t sleep in twin beds.’

                Two friends meet in a pub and one notices that his mate is wearing an earring which surprises him as he is known for his conservative taste.
                ‘I wasn’t aware that you liked earrings.’
                ‘Come on don’t make a meal of it. It’s only one miserable earring,’ replies his friend clearly embarrassed.
                ‘Ah and since when have you been wearing it?’
                ‘Since my wife found it in our bed.’


                  Michael Jackson is reported to have had a cardiac arrest after tripping over a pram.
                  Family members have asked, dont blame it on the buggy

                  Last edited by EternalOptimist; 8 July 2009, 07:01.
                  ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work


                    What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?

                    You get to meet new people every day!
                    l l l http://www.thewantedfans.com


                      Here's that sick squid I owe you

                      Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
                      Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
                      Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
                      The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.

                      Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
                      Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.

                      The moral of the story?

                      Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, for the mild-green, hairy-lipped squid

                      ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work