• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Mary’s husband has recently been cremated and she’s brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn, she pours his remains out on the patio table.
    Then, tracing her fingers in his ashes, she starts talking to him: ‘Joe, you know that dishwasher you promised me? Well, I bought it with the insurance money.’
    She pauses, still tracing her fingers in his ashes, then says: ‘Joe, remember that car you promised me? Well, I bought that too with the insurance money.’
    Again she pauses, then goes back to tracing her fingers in his ashes, and says: ‘Joe, that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it as well. Again with the insurance money.’
    Finally, still tracing her fingers in his ashes, she says: ‘Joe, remember that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes…’

    Q What’s long and thin, is covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts?
    A Rhubarb.

    Q What do you call a man with a one inch penis?
    A Just in!

    A man walked into a pub with a steering wheel attached to his penis. The barman says: ‘Do you realise you have a steering wheel attached to your penis?’
    ‘Yeah, I know,’ the man replied. ‘It’s driving me nuts.’


      Q What’s long and thin, is covered in skin, red in parts and goes in tarts? A Rhubarb.
      Good grief! I remember that one from school which must be at least, erm, 10 years ago. We'll have the one about the woman who got on a bus with children called Tit, Pullit, Bum and Scratchet next.

      If everything isn't black and white, I say, 'Why the hell not?'
      John Wayne (My guru, not to be confused with my beloved prophet Jeremy Clarkson)


        Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

        She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

        Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
        And Jimmy's mum wants to talk to you.'


          Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield.

          3.14159265 dead.
          "Wait, I still function!"


            A make-up saleswoman knocks on a house door and a man answers, wearing lipstick, knee-high boots, stockings and suspenders.
            ‘Is your wife in?’ the cosmetic’s lady asks.
            ‘No,’ the bloke replies. ‘Does it look like it?’

            A man made an appointment with a prostitute. As he goes into her flat he asks how much it’ll cost. ‘£20 if you want to use the bed or £5 if we just lie on the floor.’ He takes a £20 note out of his wallet and puts it on the table. She strips off and lies on the bed. ‘Hold on a minute,’ says the man. ‘I want four times on the floor.’

            Q. What’s the difference between a clitoris and a pub?
            A. Most men know where to find a pub

            A man went along to the priest for confession. He told the priest he’d slept with three different women in just seven days. ‘What shall I do, Father?’ the man asked.
            ‘Well, my son when you leave here, go past the greengrocer’s, buy a lemon and suck on it.’
            ‘Will my sins be forgiven then?’ He asked in surprise.
            ‘No,’ replied the priest. ‘But it’ll take that damned silly grin off your face.’


              An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village
              when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
              Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

              The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and
              asked how long it took to catch them.
              The Mexican replied, "Only a little while, Senor."

              The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

              The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
              The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
              children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each
              evening where I sip wine and play guitar with myamigos. I have a full and busy life, Senor."

              The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the
              proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several
              boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of
              selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor,
              eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,
              processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small
              coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC
              where you will run your expanding enterprise."

              The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"

              To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

              "But what then, Senor?"

              The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
              and become very rich, you would make millions."
              "Millions, Senor? Then what?"

              The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
              fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little,
              play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

              "You mean being a Harvard MBA, you have to go through all that to finally get
              to where I already am, Senor?"



                Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

                They approached one of the gas pumps.

                The younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

                The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

                The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

                The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

                The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response..

                Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling.

                We come in peace. Do not ignore us! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'

                The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'

                'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion.

                A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about

                200 yards away in a cactus patch. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent

                antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

                'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

                The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,....

                'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his

                shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'


                  Delia Smith versus a Real Woman

                  Delia's Way Put a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a cone to prevent ice-cream drips.
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

                  Delia's Way
                  To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

                  Delia's Way
                  When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

                  Delia's Way
                  If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a potato slice.
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just tough. Please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.'

                  Delia's Way
                  Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  It could keep forever...who eats it?

                  Delia's Way Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of vodka. Drink the vodka.. you might still have the headache, but you won't give a damn!

                  Delia's Way
                  If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  Why do I have a man?

                  Finally the most important tip...

                  Delia's Way
                  Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
                  The Real Woman's Way
                  Left over wine???? Hello...o...o...o??????????



                    Submitted by Jonalee Echols from Bullard Texas.

                    1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

                    2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.

                    3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

                    4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

                    5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

                    6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

                    7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

                    8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

                    9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

                    10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

                    11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go."

                    12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme
                    l l l http://www.thewantedfans.com


                      From b3ta thread about bosses:

                      There were 3 managers in a fast food place that I worked, two that loved their jobs and the other, Crazy Steve, who clearly didn't give a tulip.

                      Some of his highlights include:

                      1. Shooting an attractive girl in the face with a mayonnaise gun because she was complaining. (They have pretty impressive range actually).

                      2. Often just telling customers to get out if they complained and even dragging one out by his shirt.

                      3. Turning the cctv off and helping 3 guys that pulled up in a van lift the statue of said food chain's famed mascot into the back. (He didn't even know these guys, they just pulled up and tried to steal it randomly).

                      4. Leaping over the counter and having a fight with a tramp outside the store.

                      5. Giving a kid a giant ice cream in one of the buckets for chicken and acting like it was normal.

                      6. Closing the store one time because he wanted pizza and phoning up Domino's and offering a trade. They accepted.

                      7. Setting the fire alarms off accidentally about once a week and giving all of the fireman free food when they showed up. He also found some gizmo in the office draw and was dancing around clicking it until the police showed up and informed us it was some panic alarm thingy.

                      8. We had some points reward system; he'd just give them to us regardless. 'You want a new playstation game Jonny? Here, have 4000 points and get it out of the catalogue.'

                      9. Would give children the whole set of toys with one meal.

                      10. Giving some guy's dog an ice cream outside.

                      11. Would just park his car in the drive thru and pretend it had broken down if we were too busy.

                      12. Writing bizarre complaints about the other managers, such as 'I don't like Dave's ears' and putting them in the drop box.

                      13. On a few occasions he'd take a bunch of french fries bags into the office and write the names and numbers of the employee working the stand on them and slip them back in to the pile. So I'd then inadvertantly hand some girl a portion of fries with my number on. I even got a call once.

                      14. Told me to take the trash home, which I found bizarre, but put it in the boot of my car anyway since he was so persistent, to find he'd just filled a black bag up with bags of mini-eggs from the store.

                      15. (one I forgot) He threw out all of our name badges and ordered us new ones from head office, including 'Fanny' for some gay bloke and 'Lil rem'. I was given the appropriate 'Ahmed'. I'm white.

                      16. (Another I forgot as it's not so much crazy, but just nice) We had to monitor the waste at the end of the shift and put it in some bin, incase we had a surprise inspection the next day and they counted it for the week. But he'd just pretend to put it in there and let us take whatever we wanted, then give the rest to homeless people on the way home. The other two managers were strict that it MUST go in the bin.