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Please put more jokes here

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    Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
    A: With a blue elephant gun.
    Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
    A: Have you ever seen a yellow elephant?
    Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
    A: Hold his trunk shut until he turns blue, and then shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
    Married

    Comment


      A man had lost one of his arms. One day he had enough.He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that man could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again. He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'<BR><BR>He said, 'I'm NOT happy .... My arse is itchy.'

      Comment


        The Sound............. A man is driving down the road and breaks down near amonastery. He knocks on the door, and says, “My carbroke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, andeven fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, hehears a strange sound; a sound like no other that hehas ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monkswhat the sound was, but they say, “We can't tell you.You're not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway andgoes about his merry way. Some years later, the sameman breaks down in front of the same monastery. Themonks again accept him, feed him, and even fix hiscar. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizingsound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but themonks reply, “We can't tell you. You're not a monk”. The man says, “All right, all right. I'm dying toknow. If the only way I can find out what that soundwas, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply,” You must travel the earth and tellus how many blades of grass there are and the exactnumber of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers,you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Some forty-five yearslater, he returns and knocks on the door of themonastery. He says, “I have travelled the earth anddevoted my life to the task demanded and have foundwhat you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sandpebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct andnow you are a monk'. We shall now show you the way tothe sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where thehead monk says, “The sound is behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.He asks, 'May I have the key'? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only tofind a door made of ruby. He demands another key fromthe monks, who provide it. Behind that door is anotherdoor, this one made of sapphire. And so it went untilthe man had gone through doors of emerald, silver,topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, 'This isthe key to the last door'. The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door,turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonishedto find the source of that strange sound. It is trulyan amazing and unbelievable sight. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > But I can't tell you what it is because you're not amonk.

        Comment


          Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their localgolf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mindif I join you? My partner didn't turn up.' 'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing andenjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around thecourse, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for aliving?' 'I'm a hit man,' was the reply. 'You're joking!' was the response. 'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling outa beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Hereare my tools.' 'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take alook? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked upthe rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. 'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, Ican see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in therewith her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?' 'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull thetrigger.' 'Can you do two for me now?' 'Sure, what do you want?' 'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.' 'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick offto teach him a lesson.' The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a fewminutes. 'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently. 'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you agrand here.....'

          Comment


            When you have a 'I Hate My Job day, [even if retired you have those sometimes] try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy andgo to the thermometer section and purchase a rectalthermometer made by Johnson & Johnson Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home,lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect thephone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in yourfavorite chair. Open the package and remove thethermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or asurface so that it wil l not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins Take out the literature from the box and read itcarefully. You will notice that in small print thereis a statement: 'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson ispersonally tested and then sanitized. ' Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'Iam so glad I do not work in the thermometer qualitycontrol department at Johnson & Johnson.' HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONEELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTTTHAN YOURS!

            Comment


              An absolute genius letter


              This is an actual letter sent to Proctor & Gamble
              >
              >
              > TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
              >
              > BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
              >
              > Dear Mr. Thatcher
              >
              > I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
              appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or
              Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing,
              and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white
              shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos
              on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi
              pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
              knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
              >
              > Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
              curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right
              now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my
              body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
              into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."
              Isn't the human body amazing?
              >
              > As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite
              a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits
              from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
              cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control
              behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only
              last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
              testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
              Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
              >
              > Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just
              crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason
              for my letter.
              >
              > Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
              inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there,
              printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
              >
              > Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
              >
              > What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
              happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual
              period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
              > Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
              there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack
              yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you
              don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy
              plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head
              out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it
              make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the
              Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?- Or are you just picking on us?
              >
              > Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
              there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
              maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings,
              I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bulltulip. And that's
              a promise I will keep. Always.
              >
              > Best,
              >

              Comment


                You Might Be A Taliban Member If... 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can'tafford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon"unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives inyour clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other thansetting off roadside bombs. 9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with yourcave." 10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at leastone. 11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

                Comment


                  At the
                  > > end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of
                  > > a
                  > > Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and
                  > > said:
                  > >
                  > >
                  > > 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
                  > > drippings?'
                  > >
                  > > 'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send
                  > > them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free
                  > > box
                  > > of candles.'
                  > >
                  > > 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
                  > > unusual question had a practical answer but on he went, in his obnoxious
                  > > way:
                  > >
                  > > 'What about all these bread wafer purchases?' 'What do you do with
                  > > the crumbs?'
                  > >
                  > > 'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector
                  > > was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and
                  > > send
                  > > them back to the manufactures, and every now and then they send us a
                  > > free box of
                  > > bread wafers.'
                  > >
                  > > 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
                  > > could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
                  > >
                  > > 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do
                  > > you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you
                  > > perform?'
                  > >
                  > > 'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do
                  > > is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office and about once a
                  > > year
                  > > they send us a complete *****.'

                  Comment


                    The village idiot is sitting on the village green, messing around with a steaming pile of horse manure.

                    The busy body postman was walking past and shouted over, 'Hey dim wit, what do you think you are doing ?'

                    'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making a postman'
                    So the postman gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

                    Then the baker, a well known gossip walks past the village green, 'What you doing with that horse poo ?'
                    'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making me a baker'
                    So the baker gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

                    The local constable now decides he must do something, so he gets to the green and says 'What the heck are you playing at ? and dont tell me you are stacking it up and making a policeman'

                    'Ooh Ah, there b'aint enough sh i te here for that'




                    Last edited by EternalOptimist; 1 May 2008, 12:27. Reason: Chan -cant do the accent- tho
                    (\__/)
                    (>'.'<)
                    ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by EternalOptimist View Post
                      The village idiot is sitting on the village green, messing around with a steaming pile of horse manure.

                      The busy body postman was walking past and shouted over, 'Hey dim wit, what do you think you are doing ?'

                      'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making a postman'
                      So the postman gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

                      Then the baker, a well known gossip walks past the village green, 'What you doing with that horse poo ?'
                      'Ooh Ah, I be stacking it up and making me a baker'
                      So the baker gets in a huff and storms off, then reports the village idiot to the local plod.

                      The local constable now decides he must do something, so he gets to the green and says 'What the heck are you playing at ? and dont tell me you are stacking it up and making a policeman'

                      'Ooh Ah, there's not enough sh i te here for that'





                      there b'aint
                      If you find this post offensive, please insert "Chan" before and "tho" after, then it should be OK.

                      Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being - Elvis Costello

                      Comment

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