• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Q What's the difference between a man and a bird?
    A A bird can whistle through his pecker

    Q If Mr and Mrs Bigger had a baby, who'd be the biggest?
    A The baby, because it would be a little Bigger.

    Staggering home drunk from a bar, a man notices a car parked outside his house. Peering through the window, he sees his girlfriend and his best friend Mick going at it hammer and tongs on the back seat.

    'That Mick,' he chuckles. 'He's so drunk, he thinks he's me.'


      Duties of Wives!

      Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had
      Given their new wives duties.

      Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he
      had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework.
      He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came
      home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

      Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
      given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and
      the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but
      The next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the
      dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

      The third man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he
      told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed,
      laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot
      meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
      anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
      of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
      left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and
      call a handyman.
      God Bless Welsh Women
      Confusion is a natural state of being



        This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

        You are driving down the road in your BMW two-seater on a wild, stormy night,
        when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

        1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

        2. An old friend who once saved your life.

        3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

        Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your BMW ?

        Think before you continue reading.

        You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
        Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
        However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

        The only FEMALE applicant gave the following answer:
        "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let her take the lady to the hospital.
        I would then wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

        All 58 MALE applicants gave the following answer:

        "Run the old lady over and put her out of her misery.
        Have sex with your perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with your old friend for a load of celebration beers."

        For some strange reason, the woman got the job!


          Airline Announcements?

          United Flight Attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

          On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. "

          "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

          An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
          She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
          "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
          The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

          As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

          After a particularly rough landing during thunder-storms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that."

          Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

          Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

          "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

          ** *********************************
          "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentle-man over there."

          Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt"

          After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

          Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"

          Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

          A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
          A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!


            What's got six legs, is green and fuzzy and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?


              ......A snooker table!

              Come on you know it's a winner!!!


                Originally posted by williamdavis View Post
                ......A snooker table!

                Come on you know it's a winner!!!
                Is there a competition?


                  It's All Relative

                  A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has
                  decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl
                  and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure
                  she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very
                  disturbing to her.

                  She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I
                  suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

                  He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy
                  Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news,
                  and asks, "What is her name?"

                  He answers, "Monica Lewinsky".

                  There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice
                  black boy you were dating last year?"
                  Confusion is a natural state of being


                    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

                    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
                    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
                    __________________________________________________ __________________

                    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
                    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

                    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
                    memory at all?
                    WITNESS: Yes.
                    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
                    WITNESS: I forget.
                    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
                    something you forgot?

                    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
                    to you that morning?
                    WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
                    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
                    WITNESS: My name is Susan!


                    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
                    dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
                    next morning?
                    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

                    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
                    how old is he?
                    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

                    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
                    WITNESS: Is this a trick question?


                    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
                    August 8th?
                    WITNESS: Yes.
                    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
                    WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

                    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
                    WITNESS: Yes.
                    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
                    WITNESS: None.
                    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
                    WITNESS: Are you sh****n' me? Your Honor, I think I
                    need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

                    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
                    WITNESS: By death.
                    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
                    WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

                    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
                    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
                    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
                    WITNESS: Guess.

                    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
                    pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
                    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

                    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
                    performed on dead people?
                    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
                    people. Would you like to rephrase that?

                    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
                    school did you go to?
                    WITNESS: Oral.

                    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
                    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
                    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
                    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
                    I was doing an autopsy on him!

                    -- And the best for last: ---

                    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
                    did you check for a pulse?
                    WITNESS: No.
                    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
                    WITNESS: No.
                    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
                    WITNESS: No.
                    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
                    alive when you began the autopsy?
                    WITNESS: No.
                    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
                    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
                    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
                    alive, nevertheless?
                    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
                    alive and practicing law


                      A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
                      robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
                      the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because
                      was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and
                      healthy son.

                      All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room

                      "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this
                      came out," replied the daughter.

                      The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years

                      About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.
                      I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out."

                      Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16

                      A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said
                      Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came

                      "No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."