• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Two interesting facts about me.

    1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

    2) I'm banned from Argos.


      Blimey....that Lynx effect really works. An hour ago I sprayed myself with Lynx Africa and already I am fooking starving and covered in flies!!!
      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”


        “Fifty Shades of Grey Hair”

        The missus bought a
        Paperback down Mumbles, Saturday,
        I had a look in her bag;
        T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

        Well I just left her to it,
        At ten I went to bed.
        An hour later she appeared;
        The sight filled me with dread…..

        In her left hand she held a rope;
        And in her right a whip!
        She threw them down on the floor,
        And then began to strip.

        Well fifty years or so ago;
        I might have had a peek;
        But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
        She’s eighty four next week.

        Watching Doris bump and grind;
        Could not have been much grimmer.
        Things went from bad to worse;
        She toppled off her Zimmer!

        She struggled up upon her feet;
        A couple minutes later;
        She put her teeth back in and…
        Said…. I must dominate her!!

        Now if you knew our Doris ,
        You’d see just why I spluttered,
        I’d spent two months in traction
        For the last complaint I’d muttered.

        She stood there nude, naked like;
        Bent forward just a bit ….
        I thought what the hell,
        Stepped forward,
        and stood on her left tit!

        Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
        My god what had I done!?
        She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
        “Step on the other one”!!

        Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
        About what occurred that day.
        Suffice to say my jet black hair,….
        Turned “fifty shades of Grey”.


          A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
          the same time."

          She said, "You have a bigger dick than all of your friends."
          Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


            Twin sisters in St. Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.

            One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

            The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

            "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

            "Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

            Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"


            So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

            Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

            "HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

            With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY - BOTH OF US?"
            Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


              A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman,
              "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
              "Do you think it will work?" she asks.
              "It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
              After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
              "What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
              "You gave birth to a child!".
              "But that's impossible!" says the priest.
              "I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
              About fifteen years go by, and the priest realises he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says,
              "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says,
              "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies,
              "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father.".
              Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


                My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
                "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
                She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
                So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
                And that's when the fight started.
                Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


                  To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.


                    Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

                    Scroll down for the answer...

                    The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

                    Men keep'a scrollin'...

                    So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
                    Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.


                      They Walk Among Us

                      People like these make you wonder how they actually survive in this world of ours!

                      A K-Mart check out clerk rang up $46.64. I gave her a 50 bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant & informed me she was educated & knew what she was doing, & returned the money again. I gave her the money back-same scenario & departed the store with the $46.64.

                      I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

                      One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?

                      While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

                      My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

                      I couldn't find my airport luggage, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional & I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'

                      While working at a pizza parlor I heard a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone. The cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6 He thought about it before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

                      At a southern fast food restaurant, I ordered a hamburger and French fries. The young lady taking orders informed that they had no hamburgers or French fries. I replied that the other customers were being served hamburgers and French fries. She looked at me quizzically and replied 'those are BURGERS AND FRIES!'

                      TheyWalk Among Us, they Reproduce, and Worst of all ...THEY VOTED.
                      Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.