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    Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they
    hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing which is thought to be
    costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue.

    Nicknamed the 'Record', the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl
    disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially
    designed 'turntable'.

    "We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can
    access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Campbell. "We are
    also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in
    this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without
    doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has ever seen."

    As part of the invention's rigorous testing process, the designers gave
    some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file
    swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating
    music CDs. Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack
    into the disc's code or access any of the music files contained within

    "It's like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flamboise, one of the
    testers. "I couldn't get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is
    it? Is it, like, from France or something?"

    In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is encoded by
    physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus
    translated into variations on the disc's surface in a process that
    industry insiders are describing as 'completely revolutionary' and
    'stunningly clever.'

    To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special
    player which contains a 'needle' that runs along the grooves on the record
    surface, reading the indentations and transforming the movements back into
    audio that can be fed through loudspeakers.

    Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format
    will make file swapping much more difficult. "I've never seen anything
    like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?"

    Final note: As rumours that a Taiwanese company has been secretly
    developing a 12 inch wide, turntable -driven, needle-based, firewire drive
    remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last,
    have found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for.


      Did you hear about the lorry driver who hit a cat which had dashed across the
      road. He got out to see if he could aid the unfortunate animal and to his
      distress found a cat writhing about on the verge. Knowing it would never
      survive a trip to the vet he did the most humane thing he could think of
      and dispatched it with a single blow from a shovel. Halfway up the M1 he
      was pulled over by the police. An old lady had let Tiddles out to roll
      about in the grass when a nasty cat-hating lorry driver stopped and
      attacked Tiddles with a shovel then drove off. When the driver checked his
      wheel arches he found the sorry remains of the real accident victim.

      A Norfolk haulage firm has a colony of ratters. The cats liked to snuggle
      up against the warm tyres of the returning lorries and frequently
      sustained crushed paws or tails if the vehicles moved. An arrangement with
      the local vet meant that drivers could whisk an injured cat to the vets.
      When one driver duly reported an accident, the boss asked if he had taken
      "Fang" to the vets. "Oh yes, but the vet wasn't in," the driver replied "So
      I slipped him under the door with a note."


        A burglar fled after 87-year-old Cecily Almond hit him on the head with her
        walking stick after chasing him downstairs on her electric stair lift in
        Leyland, Lancashire, reports The Sun.

        Angelica Flores and her husband were arrested, handcuffed and jailed for
        failing to take down the Christmas lights on their Arizona home by the
        local council deadline.

        A pensioner is facing jail in Romania after falling asleep while listening
        to a telephone sex line. Constantin Luican ran up a bill of £950 ?
        equivalent to a year's pay in Romania. He said: "It was boring."

        A man charged with growing cannabis at his home in Ashland, Oregon, has
        escaped jail because he kept the plants in such poor condition. Lavon
        Atchley, 44, faced a maximum of 20 years in prison for growing three
        marijuana plants, but escaped with a year's probation and a $500 fine. "He
        was almost embarrassed to admit they were his," said his defence lawyer
        Herbert Putney.

        Michael Marcum, 21, has been found guilty of stealing six 350-pound
        electrical transformers from a power company in Stanberry, Missouri. He
        wanted to build a time machine so he could transport himself a few days
        into the future, learn the winning lottery numbers, and return to buy the
        right tickets.

        A man who took off his shoes in a Dutch library has been charged with
        disturbing the peace because his socks were so smelly. He had already been
        banned from the library at the university in Delft after previous
        incidents. A spokesman said: "We've been trying for more than a year to
        sort out the situation and talk with the man. The moment he starts to take
        off his shoes, nearly all our visitors leave."

        Toads are safely back on the path to love after a special ramp was built to
        help them cross a busy road to their breeding pond in Shaldon, Devon,
        southwest England. Wildlife experts and the local council brought in metal
        ramps to help the frogs up a high curb at the side of the road. "Every
        February the toads return to breed at the pond where they were hatched, but
        to do so they have to cross quite a busy road," Stewart Muir, director of
        ecological group Shaldon Wildlife Trust, told Reuters. "Before we had about
        200 killed each year, but this time we have had very few fatalities."

        A councillor is calling for all new houses in Erie, Pennsylvania, to be
        built with front porches because he says that will encourage neighbours to
        chat. But one local builder says: "We have enough regulations as it is."

        Hundreds of car registration plates have been recalled because they begin
        with "PO0" ? PO for Preston followed by the year "02". A spokesman for the
        DVLA says that the number plates have been withdrawn after objections from
        members of the public. "The agency has always withheld registration marks
        with combinations of letters that are likely to cause widespread offence,"
        he added.

        The 2002 Winter Olympics has brought visitors from many lands to Salt Lake
        City, Utah, personifying the slogan seen often on buildings and signs all
        over town: "The World is Welcome Here". Victoria Liljenquist is hoping
        that city officials aren't taking that too literally, because she's invited
        some guests from off the planet, and they're expected to arrive this
        Thursday. An Intergalactic Delegation is scheduled to visit, and Victoria
        hopes they'll be greeted warmly. In an interview with Reuters, she
        announced that "The Brotherhood of Light" would make their presence known
        on Thursday, February 21 "over the Olympic City", adding that she hopes the
        weather is clear so that people can get a proper view. She's even pinned
        them down to a time frame-they are expected between noon and five p.m. What
        security clearance she has arranged with the military patrolling the skies
        above Utah is unknown at this time.

        Japan's airport authorities said on Thursday they planned to conceal with
        green paint and camouflage netting a defunct part of a new runway at
        Tokyo's Narita international airport in a bid to keep aircraft from landing
        there by mistake. The New Tokyo International Airport Authority got into
        its pickle when local farmers refused to sell tracts of land located at
        what would have been the centre of a planned 2,500-yard runway, but because
        construction had already begun on either side of the disputed land, it was
        forced to lengthen the northern strip by 800 yards and abandon the other.
        That left a 430-yard-long section of unusable runway -- too short for a
        plane to land on safely. "It would be a huge problem if an airplane landed
        in the unused section of the runway," the spokesman said.


          An 85 - year- old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

          The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
          back a semen sample tomorrow."

          The next day the man reappeared at the doctors office and gave him the
          jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

          The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

          "Well, doc, it's like this.

          First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left
          hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
          her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
          first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We
          even called up Eileen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
          both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her
          knees, but still nothing."

          The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

          The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't
          get that damn jar open!"


            Fire-fighters had to wear special suits to deal with a brown sauce spillage
            at a California factory. Staff at the Jenkins Sauces plant had to be
            evacuated after a pint of pure brown sauce was spilt. It melted a worker's
            shoes before fire-fighters absorbed it with sand.

            A Chinese man who has devoted the past 20 years to exercising his eyelids
            claims they are now strong enough to pull a car. Wang Chuntai reportedly
            pulled a 1.5-ton Volkswagen a distance of 14.5m using two z-shaped hooks
            inserted into his lower lids and attached to the car with a rope.

            Dancers in skimpy skirts and thigh-high boots have been sent off by a
            local soccer club after complaints from the Football Association of
            Singapore (FAS) that the half-time show was a bit too racy. The
            association, which oversees the city state's professional S-League, wrote
            to the Woodlands Wellington club to say routines by the two performers
            last Friday may not have been wholesome family viewing, the Straits Times
            newspaper reported Wednesday. "We had some complaints from parents," FAS
            director of competitions Quah Kim Song told the paper. "Instead of
            dancers, wouldn't it have been better to bring in some jugglers?"

            A Texas nurse's aide faces murder charges after hitting a man as she drove
            and then letting him bleed to death over two to three days while he was
            trapped in her car's windshield. Gregory Glen Biggs, 37, was hurled
            headfirst through the windshield by the impact, his broken legs lying
            across the car's hood. Chante Mallard told investigators she panicked
            after hitting the man on a Fort Worth highway near her home one night last
            October. She drove to her house, parked the car in her garage and ignored
            his pleas for help, police said.

            City councillors in Vienna have introduced a set of laws to protect
            wildlife. It is illegal to cast fishing lines from moving airplanes and to
            hunt deer by blowing them up with explosives.

            Finnish twin brothers, aged 71, were killed in identical bicycle accidents
            along the same road two hours apart, police said Wednesday. "This is
            simply a historic coincidence. Although the road is a busy one, accidents
            don't occur every day," police officer Marja-Leena Huhtala said. "It came
            to mind that perhaps someone from upstairs had a say in this," she said.
            One twin was hit by a truck and killed while out cycling early Tuesday on
            the west coast of Finland. Before police had identified the body and
            informed family members, his brother was killed on his bicycle by a second
            truck a half-mile down the road.

            A warrant has been issued for the arrest of a man who telephoned to say he
            couldn't appear before magistrates in Blackburn, Lancashire, because his
            grandfather was ill. Court officials realised that he had missed a
            previous hearing after saying that his grandfather had died.

            A judge has banned Edward Bello from watching television for 10 months.
            Bello, 60, was sentenced to home detention for credit card fraud and now
            faces a year in jail if he is caught watching the news or checking the
            weather forecast. A New York judge told him: "It is important that you
            have ample opportunity to reflect on the ways of your life."

            A German court ordered a church in Aschaffenburg (near Frankfurt) on
            Thursday to ring its bells more softly or pay to sound-proof neighbouring
            homes. The court found the Protestant church had built its bell tower 13
            feet closer to the houses than foreseen in plans approved by the local

            A thief who stole a bus in Blackwood, south Wales, continued along its
            normal route and picked up 100 passengers. He spent more than two hours in
            the bus which he took from outside the bus station in the town, near
            Caerphilly before fleeing with £150 takings.


              Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

              They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

              This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about
              in that time management course you sent me to.

              Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You
              probably got here just in time!

              I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission
              statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

              I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.

              I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
              stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?

              Someone spiked the coffee machine.

              ..in the name of Jesus...Amen

              Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.

              And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
              desk...Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out
              a solution to our biggest problem.


                There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job it was to
                process all mail that had illegible addresses. One day a letter came to
                his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy,
                better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read,

                "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.
                Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had a hundred dollars in it which
                was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter,
                and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I
                have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my
                only hope. Can you please help me?"

                The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all
                the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few
                dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars,
                which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the
                day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had

                Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the
                old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
                It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for
                me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my
                friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful
                gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing. It was probably those
                thieving bastards at the post office."


                  Children Don't you just love'em

                  A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a dead cat. She asked,
                  "How do you know that it was dead?"
                  "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
                  "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

                  "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it
                  didn't move."

                  A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
                  "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
                  "No. You had your chance. Lights out."
                  Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
                  "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
                  "I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
                  Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
                  "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

                  An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally
                  asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
                  The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out
                  and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake Dylan,
                  come in or stay out!'"

                  It was that time, during the Sunday morning service,
                  for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come
                  forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as
                  she sat
                  down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it
                  your Easter Dress?"
                  The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
                  "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

                  When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three-year-old came
                  into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
                  said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
                  I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
                  "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

                  A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two
                  plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a
                  bitch is
                  His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,
                  "What are you doing?"
                  The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
                  "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
                  "Yes," he answered.

                  Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
                  teaching my son in math?"
                  The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
                  The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son
                  of a bitch is four?"
                  After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was,
                  two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


                    So Princess Margaret's final wish came true...
                    ...she got to spend Easter with her mum.


                      A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he
                      takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite
                      blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman
                      notices his erection, comes over to him and says "Sir, did you call for
                      me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new
                      here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it
                      implies you called for me."
                      Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a
                      towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with
                      The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna
                      and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, obese, hairy
                      man lumbers out of the steam toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the
                      hairy man. "No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new
                      here," says the hairy man, "it's a rule here that if you fart, it implies
                      that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him
                      over a bench and has his way with him. The newcomer staggers back to the
                      colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
                      "May I help you?"
                      she says. The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key
                      back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee." "But sir," she replies,
                      "you've only been here for a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to
                      see all our facilities." The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 58 years old;
                      I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day."