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Please put more jokes here

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    One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
    chemical plant and before you could snap your fingers, it exploded
    into roaring flames and the alarm went out to the volunteer fire
    departments from miles around.

    When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
    company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our
    secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
    must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings
    them out intact." The fire chief ordered his men to strengthen their
    attack on the fire.

    After two hours of fighting the fire, another department was called in
    and the president of the chemical company offered $100,000 to the
    firefighters who could bring out the company's secret files.

    From a distance, a loud siren was heard as another fire truck came
    into sight. It was the local volunteer fire company composed entirely
    of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little fire
    engine raced past everyone and drove straight into the middle of the
    inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped
    off their rig and began to fight the fire with a performance and
    effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had
    extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

    The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that, for
    such a super-human feat, he was upping the reward to $200,000, and
    walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly firefighters.

    The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the exciting
    event on film. One of them asked, "What are you going to do with all
    that money?

    "Well," said the 70-year old fire chief, "the first thing we are going
    to do is fix the brakes on the ******* truck!"


      Local authorities seeking to boost their budgets resulted in Turkey
      counting at least 3.65 million non-existent people in a national census in
      2000 which reported a national population of 64,059,000.

      A Hells Angel called Snob (ardent biker Alan Fisher who runs "Snob's
      Ultimate Customs" - a cluttered Harley Davidson shop in west London) will
      lead a cavalcade of motorbikes through London next month as part of
      official celebrations marking Queen Elizabeth's 50-year rule. "I am
      honored to acknowledge the Queen's efforts to represent her people -- all
      her people," said the dyslexic biker. "I will ride with pride."

      Villagers in Meetankulam, a coconut palm-fringed coastal village in the
      southern state of Tamil Nadu (southern India) have so much faith in a
      local Hindu shrine dedicated to Lord Shiva Muniyappasamy that all 132
      houses in the hamlet have no doors. They say that they have never heard of
      a single burglary being reported in their community.

      A Michigan court recently heard evidence from the world's worst hijacker.
      The unnamed defendant was on an internal flight from New York when he
      leapt to his feet, pulled a gun out of his pocket and screamed, 'Take me
      to Detroit or you're all going to f***ing die!' When an air steward
      pointed out, 'Er, we are going to Detroit,' he put his gun away, sat down
      in a huff, and was silent for the remainder of the flight. He was arrested
      as he got off the plane.

      Five elephants have been drafted into service as bulldozers to break up
      about to demolish 1,000 illegally-built two-room, thatched houses in a
      protected forest area around Guwahati, the main city in the remote
      tea-and-oil rich state of Assam.

      For nine months none of thousands of motorists who daily ply downtown Los
      Angeles' main freeway noticed that there was something odd about the large
      sign guiding them through the complex and confusing transition from the
      Harbor Freeway onto California's Interstate 5. It was a fake, but such a
      clever fake that not even Caltrans, the agency responsible for the signs,
      realized it was a hand-painted replica created by Los Angeles artist
      Richard Ankrom as a benevolent gesture to guide motorists. Embarrassed
      transportation officials who learned of it only in a local newspaper

      A Canadian family had to flee for safety after their pet Siamese cat went
      on a rampage. The shaken group called police in the eastern port city of
      Dartmouth after taking refuge on their lawn on Sunday evening. Earlier in
      the afternoon, the cat had attacked the babysitter. The residents went to
      check on the cat and, essentially, the cat went crazy on them as well. It
      attacked the father and ripped his pants as well as the flesh underneath,"
      police Sgt. Don Spicer said. It took police officers, armed with a
      blanket and a clothes hamper, 20 minutes to corner the cat. Another
      police officer said Cocoa was "a Siamese cat with an attitude problem."

      Asia's poor countries briefly thought they had hit the jackpot on Saturday
      when the 80-year-old Japanese Finance Minister Masajuro Shiokawa Japan
      promised a staggering $500 billion to a regional poverty reduction fund at
      an annual meeting of the Asian Development Bank (ADB) in Shanghai. But
      his prepared speech in English distributed after he spoke said Japan would
      only make a contribution of $50 million to the fund.

      An Australian brothel has closed down after American sailors exhausted its
      prostitutes. The Langtrees brothel in Perth took 580 bookings in three
      days when three US warships docked in the harbour last month. Owner
      Mary-Anne Kenworthy said she had now closed her doors because the girls
      were too worn out to perform to their usual high standards. 'I would not
      sell a man a hamburger if I thought my buns were stale.'


        A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home
        for Rosh Hashanah.

        The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when
        you light the 8 candles?"

        "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Hanukkah." The Catholic girl then
        asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday when you eat the unleavened

        "No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover, Rosh Hashanah is
        the holiday when we blow the shofar."

        "See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you
        Jews...you're so good to your staff."


          How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night
          drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try,
          you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your
          house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter. The
          Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the
          drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since
          the decrease in the worship of the Roman Pantheon and has bought a large
          batch of these magical devices.

          The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

          The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring
          gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
          sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer
          Scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their
          bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a
          large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
          This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so
          much money?'

          Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought
          to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking

          An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time
          segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals
          dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This
          answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

          With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of
          Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in
          descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one
          person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often
          lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

          Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the
          scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to
          the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models
          including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru
          chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another
          question answered!!

          For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from
          other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These
          boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe
          up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special
          anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
          and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the
          bruised shins.

          The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the
          TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can
          apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

          PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably
          get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.


            A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress
            came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman
            was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.

            The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:



              Little girl sitting in the back to her mother driving:
              "are you ever the idiot?"


                Mary had a little skirt
                with splits right up the sides
                and every time that Mary walked
                the boys could see her Thighs
                Mary had another skirt
                it was split right up the front
                and every time that Mary walked...
                ...but she didn't wear that one very often

                Mary had a little lamb
                Her father shot it dead.
                Now it goes to school with her,
                between two chunks of bread.

                Mary had a little lamb
                It ran into a pylon.
                10,000 volts went up it's ass
                and turned it's wool to nylon

                Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
                Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
                What have you got there?
                Said the Pieman unto Simon,
                Pies, you dickhead.

                Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
                Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
                All the kings horses and all the kings men,
                Said "**** him, He's only an egg.


                  There was a man called him Jim, who lived near a river. Jim
                  was a very religious man.

                  One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town,
                  and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting
                  there, a man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the
                  boat with him. Jim says 'No, that's ok. God will take care of
                  me.' So, the man in the boat drives off.

                  The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time,
                  another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim
                  to get in. Jim replies, 'No, that's ok. God will take care of
                  me.' The person in the boat then leaves.

                  The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his chimney.
                  Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The woman in
                  the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
                  Jim tells her 'That's ok.' The woman says 'Are you sure?'
                  Jim says, 'Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me.

                  Finally, the water rises too high and Jim drowns. Jim gets
                  up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God. Jim says to God
                  'You told me you would take care of me! What happened?'

                  God replied 'Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter.
                  What else did you want?'


                    BrilloPad 330
                    Colemanisor 34
                    Money Money Money 20

                    And I now have half the posts here - yeah...


                      An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
                      young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
                      how old he is.

                      "I'm 90 years old," he says.

                      "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"

                      "Oh, sorry," says the old man, "how much do I owe you?"