• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • FREE workshop: Preparing contractors for Autumn : Weds 29th Sep at 7.15pm. More details here.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Looking for work, Jesus goes to the local job centre.
    "Ok, Mr Christ", says the assistant, after typing in his details, "There
    are two jobs that come up for your spec. One's a carpenter in Jerusalem at
    £2,000 per week; the other a carpenter in Aberdeen for £200 a week."
    And lo, the Son of God did speak: " I'll take the one in Aberdeen,
    cheers."
    The assistant is surprise. "Why? You'd get far more money in the other
    job."
    "I know," Jesus spake thus. "But the last time I worked in Jerusalem I got
    hammered with tax."

    Comment


      The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a caller
      asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry a virgin?

      To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

      Comment


        Hangovers

        1 star hangover *

        No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when
        you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
        able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
        vodka red bulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel
        as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and
        side of fries.

        2 star hangover * *

        No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
        the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to
        try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is
        craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about
        the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you
        really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the
        net and writing junk e-mails.

        3 star hangover * * *

        Slight headache. Stomach feels carp. You are definitely a space cadet and
        not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her
        perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your
        alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would
        be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a
        litre of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon
        of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed
        once.

        4 star hangover * * * *

        You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
        too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you
        for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore
        nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you
        either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you put your
        make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth
        have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and
        your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade class
        picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the following -
        Home time, a doughnut and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you
        could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare small
        children in the street just by walking past them.

        5 star hangover * * * * *

        You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
        employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore
        and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
        your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
        generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that
        would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty
        good right now.
        Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your
        dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick
        because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe......very
        gently.

        6 star hangover * * * * * *

        You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
        fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep
        until the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has
        been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No
        matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed
        and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking
        along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the
        pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift
        the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with
        your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

        You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the
        world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus
        noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if
        it is short lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
        Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed leaving you
        there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous
        eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body won't
        relent. You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside
        out and swear that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the
        last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting
        up for the day as you try to climb into bed.

        She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of
        dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a
        shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an
        option. The whole day is spent trying to avoid anything that might make
        you sick again, like moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who
        knows for the next two or three hours at least you might even succeed

        Comment


          In an interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there
          was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the
          terrorists who perpetrated the 11 September attacks on America.

          His answer:

          "I believe that forgiving them is God's function. Our job is simply to
          arrange the meeting"

          Comment


            A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
            The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
            "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

            "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

            The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What
            is the big deal about a two-storey house?"

            The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a
            headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of
            the month.'"

            Comment


              Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
              A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

              Q. Why do women call it PMS?
              A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

              Q. What's a mixed feeling?
              A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

              Q. What's the height of conceit?
              A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

              Q. What's the definition of macho?
              A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

              Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
              A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

              Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
              A. Because it's worth it.

              Q. What is a Yankee?
              A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

              Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common
              A. They both like a tight seal.

              Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
              A. Their balls are just for decoration.

              Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
              A. About three inches.

              Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
              A. Well-hung.

              Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
              A. For traction in the mud.

              Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
              A. The grip

              Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
              A. It's not hard.

              Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
              A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

              Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
              A: 45 lbs.

              Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
              A: 45 minutes

              Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
              A: The swallow.

              Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
              A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

              Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
              their minds?
              A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

              Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
              A. They don't have balls to scratch.

              Comment


                APPETIZING:
                Anything advertised on TV.

                BOIL:
                The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is
                even tasted.

                CASSEROLE:
                Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

                CHAIR:
                Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

                COOKIE (LAST ONE):
                Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

                DESSERTS:
                The reason for eating a meal.

                EVAPORATE:
                Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or
                wash dishes.

                FAT:
                Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do
                not wish to eat.

                FLOOR:
                Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

                FORK:
                Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

                FRIED FOODS:
                Gourmet cooking.

                FROZEN:
                Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.

                FRUIT:
                A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

                GERMS:
                The only thing kids will share freely.

                KITCHEN:
                The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

                LEFTOVERS:
                Commonly described as "gross."

                LIVER:
                A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

                LOLLIPOP:
                A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

                MACARONI:
                Material for a collage.

                MEASURING CUP:
                A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

                NAPKIN:
                Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

                NATURAL FOOD:
                Food eaten with unwashed hands.

                NUTRITION:
                Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant
                guard duty.

                PLATE:
                A breakable Frisbee.

                REFRIGERATOR:
                A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as
                an art gallery.

                SODA POP:
                Shake'N Spray.

                TABLE:
                A place for storing gum.

                TABLE LEG:
                Percussion instrument

                THIRSTY:
                How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

                Comment


                  My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He
                  found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog
                  could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from
                  reccurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and
                  rub its ears once a month. The lady goes to the chemist and gets some Nair"
                  hair remover. At the till the chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this
                  under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says, "I'm not
                  using it under my arms." The chemist says "If you're using it on your legs,
                  don't shave for a couple days." The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs
                  either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist
                  says, "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

                  Comment


                    THE IMMORTAL HAMSTER

                    An experienced vet at the same clinic was presented with an ailing
                    hamster by its child owner and the kid's mother. He gently explained to
                    the little lad that Hammy was very sick and the kindest thing to do was
                    to put Hammy to sleep. He explained that it wouldn't hurt, in fact it
                    was a bit like going into a special deep sleep. Hammy was suffering and
                    it wouldn't be fair to make him die painfully. Tearfully, the child
                    agreed, and the vet gave the hamster its final injection. A few minutes
                    later, Hammy was still scurrying about the examination table, as sick as
                    ever. The vet gave it another injection. And then a third. What he'd
                    forgotten was that hamsters have such a fast metabolism that they simply
                    burn off lethal injections.

                    Finally, the vet got out his biggest needle (the sort used on farm
                    animals) and impaled Hammy between the shoulder blades, pinning him to
                    the examination table.

                    "That'll get you, you bastard!" he exclaimed, right in front of the
                    tearful kiddie and the kid's stunned mother.

                    THE PET FOOD SALESMAN

                    An unemployed sociology graduate from the local university had been
                    turned down by several firms - he couldn't even get a job stacking
                    shelves in Tescos. Several hundred job applications later he was invited
                    to an interview at the prestigious Waltham Pet Nutrition Centre run by
                    Pedigree Petfoods. They had just launched a new line of gourmet dog
                    foods and wanted a salesman who could get supermarkets to stock the new
                    product.

                    The graduate was absolutely desperate not to flunk the interview as he
                    badly needed the job to pay off his student loan. The interviewer
                    explained about the product - highest quality ingredients, no cereal
                    mixer, balanced diet, cooked in individual foil trays, keeps Fido fit
                    five ways and all that. He then produced a foil tray of the new food, a
                    plate and fork and told the graduate to "sell me that product!".

                    The graduate peeled the lid off the food, sniffed it appreciatively then
                    dug in and ate it straight from the tray, making appreciative sounds all
                    the while.

                    "Tastes good to me!" he exclaimed. He got the job.

                    A PIG OF A JOB

                    Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending
                    pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs (all two thousand of
                    them) escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
                    hapless protesters to death.

                    Comment


                      It's a little known fact that male Labradors have vile
                      tempers, despite their docile, floppy-eared, gooey-
                      eyed puppy-dog, Andrex-advert features. The sight of
                      another male Labrador can send one into kill mode.
                      A self-proclaimed dog 'expert' advised owners of
                      such Jackel-and-Hyde (pun intended) dogs to insert
                      their index finger into their dog's anus if it seems
                      to be going into kill mode at the sight of another dog.
                      This apparently confuses the dog (are you surprised?) and
                      stops it in its tracks. It also confuses passers-by. The
                      only problem is that you mustn't withdraw your finger
                      until the other dog is out of view of your Labrador,
                      otherwise it will simply resume its aggressive behaviour.

                      One Labrador owner put this into practice on his own dog
                      when a similar dog bounded into view during evening
                      walkies. His dog stopped in its tracks, its growls replaced
                      by a pained expression. Unfortunately the other dog was a
                      stray and bounded right up to him. As it faced his dog,
                      growling and snarling, the quick-thinking owner inserted
                      the finger of his other hand into the anus of the second
                      dog and effectively immobilised it.

                      The only problem was that he now dared not remove either
                      finger or the freed dog would attack.

                      And that's how a policeman found him, crouching in the
                      deserted park at dusk, his fingers up the backsides
                      of two dogs.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X