• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts


    It can buy you a House...............But not a Home
    It can buy you a Bed..................But not Sleep
    It can buy you a Clock................But not Time
    It can buy you a Book.................But not knowledge
    It can buy you a Position.............But not Respect
    It can buy you Medicine...............But not Health
    It can buy you Blood...................But not Life
    It can buy you Sex.....................But not Love

    So you see money isn't everything.

    And it often causes pain and suffering.

    I tell you all this because...
    I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and

    So send me all your money...
    And I will suffer for you.


    Thought this was gonna be one of those "inspirational" ones, didn't you????


      Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've
      been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been
      selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a
      good mood, I'll be generous
      and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

      Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are
      tormented and tortured.

      He then takes him to a massive Colosseum where thousands of people are chased
      about and devoured by starving lions.

      Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young
      blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there
      is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the
      corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

      "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.

      Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

      "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of

      "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it
      and the girl hasn't."

      "What about the PC?"

      "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

      "Which three?"

      "Control, Alt and Delete."


        A zebra went to heaven. When he saw St. Peter he
        asked him,

        "You know, I have always wondered, am I a white horse with black stripes
        or a black horse with white stripes?"

        St. Peter said he would have to ask God that question since he's the one
        that made him.

        So the zebra asked God, "God, am I a white horse with black stripes or a
        black horse with white stripes?"

        God answered, "You are what you are."

        The zebra left and came upon St. Peter and told him,

        "Well I asked God if I was a white horse with black stripes or a black
        horse with white stripes..."

        "What was the answer," St. Peter asked.

        "Well I still don't know. All He said was: 'You are what you are.'

        "Well that answers it," Said St. Peter. "You're a
        white horse with black stripes."

        "How do you know that?" asked the zebra.

        "Well if you were a black horse with white stripes He would have said:
        "You is what you is".


          > In the best interests of all confused current Manchester United
          > supporters, Nike have announced that next year the Man Utd kit will
          > feature a reversible shirt, similar to the current England shirt. One
          > will feature the existing Man Utd home kit but, once reversed, will
          > transform into the current Arsenal home kit.
          > This radical move is aimed specifically to pacify the Manchester
          > supporter who naturally expects his team to win all their home games
          > at the very minimum, the Premiership. The new shirt will give the Man
          > supporter the opportunity to maximise his glory hunting potential by
          > supporting whoever is likely to win the title.
          > The new shirts are expected to go on sale in the Manchester United
          > strongholds of Hampshire, Surrey, Essex and Kent in the close season.
          > For those supporters that are unable to wait that long they will be
          > released
          > to
          > the genuine supporters of Malaysia, Papa New Guinea and Outer Mongolia
          > within the next month.
          > Next season could also see Man Utd shirts featuring reversible
          > Leeds and Chelsea kits depending on who is doing well at the time,
          > although the plans for the Aston Villa reversible shirt have been
          > since the appointment of Graham Taylor.
          > Rumors persist in a reversible Man Utd/Argentina shirt but these have
          > to be confirmed by Man Utd kit spokesman


            > The following are actual letters that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)
            > herself admitted she was at a loss to answer:
            > Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
            > middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her
            > mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen
            > a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be
            > Lebanese?
            > Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence
            > on my VCR?
            > Dear Abby, I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not
            > even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
            > Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on
            > the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend
            > should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss
            > money with him.
            > Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when
            > confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
            > never
            > happen again.
            > Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
            > raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
            > Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I
            > get out?
            > Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an
            > hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
            > Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he
            > drank until one night he came home sober.
            > Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
            > gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
            > Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
            > through her mental pause.
            > Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex
            > to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years
            > ago and
            > he is a doctor.


              Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special
              training. After the first day they met up in the bar.

              "Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?"

              "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible!
              At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E
              dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground."

              "And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate.

              "I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly
              leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"."

              'And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

              "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not
              jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity."."

              "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate.

              "Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze
              ground,and 'e said "Jurmp!"."

              "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate.

              "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass
              my dignity to jurmp ten feet."."

              "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate.

              "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above
              ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous
              willy, and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right
              urp your burm."."

              "Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?"

              "A leetle, at ze beginning."


                George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in
                America, was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed,
                tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for
                controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realised he wasn't
                depressed at all - only British.

                Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism
                and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical
                depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the
                American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as
                suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief
                that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's
                trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any
                international sports event or even his own prospects to get
                ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

                "The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his
                pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the

                "They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's
                Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front
                of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I
                kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that
                it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the
                first place."

                Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a
                course of "weapons grade MDMA", the only noticeable effect
                of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the
                phrases "mustn't grumble" and "not too bad, really". It
                was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

                Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and
                couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood
                growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day,
                treeless streets of identical houses and passionately
                backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical
                depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six
                months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about
                the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and
                later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he
                wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended
                drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

                "I was all strapped down on the table and they were about
                to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric
                nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I
                remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a
                terrible mistake'." Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of
                British comedy giving her an understanding of the British

                "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert
                Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no
                chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances,"
                she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny
                in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all."
                Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis
                from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming'
                and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a
                selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an "I love New
                York" T-shirt.


                  Janet rings her mum and says:‘Mum, John says he wants a hand job, but I don’t know what he means.’

                  Her mum answers: ‘Just grab his thingy and shake it like a bottle of ketchup.’

                  Janet hangs up and crawls back to bed. She snuggles up to John, grabs his willy firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.


                    Moods of a woman…
                    An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, a woman’s a bundle of contradiction.

                    She’s afraid of a wasp, screams at a mouse, but she’ll tackle her mean when they’re alone in the house.

                    Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, she’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.

                    She’ll win you in rags, enchant you in silk, be stronger than brandy, yet milder than milk.

                    At times she’ll be vengeful, precocious and sad, she’ll hate you like poison, but then love you like mad.

                    Moods of a man…
                    Horny, hungry.


                      > I'm not sure if I believe its authenticity but this is great.....
                      > Paint the whole World with a Rainbow!
                      > For those of you who don't have kids or are far too young to remember the
                      > splendid children's TV programme "Rainbow", this may be a little lost on
                      > you... but it must have been a great episode to watch!
                      > Almost too ridiculous to believe ... these are taken from original Rainbow
                      > scripts and there's no way these could have been done by accident.
                      > Innuendo
                      > all the way!
                      > The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...
                      > Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four."
                      > George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"
                      > Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
                      > We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.
                      > Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
                      > Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"
                      > Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the Other way. Ooooooh, I've got it in"
                      > Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg
                      > kit
                      > Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George"
                      > George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself, Bungle.
                      > Geoffrey (to camera) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
                      > Bungle: " Playing with each other, Geoffrey?"
                      > Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play
                      > with?"
                      > George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play
                      > with our friend's balls today?
                      > Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."
                      > Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?
                      > Zippy:" Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."
                      > Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument." Geoffrey asks the audience if they
                      > can pluck like Bungle
                      > Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."
                      > George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?
                      > Zippy:" Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."
                      > Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger." Bungle (excited) " Oooooh
                      > Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the
                      > plucking song. Rod and Roger can get their instruments out and Jane has
                      > got two lovely Maracas."
                      > Singers Rod, Freddy and Jane enter.
                      > Freddy:" We could hear you all banging away"
                      > Rod: "Banging can be fun."
                      > Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and
                      > Freddy."
                      > Freddy (looking sad) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."
                      > Rod ( to Jane ) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"
                      > Jane: "Oh no, I was banging away with Freddy last night. But would you
                      > like to play with my maracas?
                      > Zippy; "No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."
                      > George:" Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."
                      > Zippy;" I've got a big red one."
                      > George: " I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to
                      > play with it."
                      > Geoffrey (to viewers) " Well, have you got your twangers out? And
                      > remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got
                      > any, ask a
                      > friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."
                      > Everyone in studio: " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all
                      > day."