Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

The best part of being a scientist is having your hard work and research questioned by people who spent every science class peeling glue from their hands.

[vetran]

Spiderman - just another guy who ends up with sticky hands after using the Web.

[vetran]

Before the crash, I wonder if Lewis Hamilton shouted "on me 'ead, son"?

[vetran]

I sat at the junction, gazing spellbound at the ethereal green and red swirls glowing mystically above me.

I think it was the Northern Traffic Lights.

[vetran]

The sign said, "No shirt, no shoes, no service."

So I stopped going to church in swimwear.

[vetran]

Santa Claus was asked if he wants to be buried when he dies.

No , he said , he'd sooner go up the chimney.

[vetran]

The very short dwarf knocked on my door about the position I advertised and asked what I wanted him to do.
"Stand by my piano and keep time," I said,

"My instructor said I need to get a metre gnome."

[vetran]

My wife has just had a huge dildo delivered in a plain brown envelope.

I’ve called it her “Thriller in Manila”

[NotAllThere]

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

Despite what Big Bulb tells you, humans can see perfectly well without "light".

Or...

None. I'll rely on my natural bioluminescence.

[vetran]

This week is "International Clitoris Awareness Week."

Like most men, I was unaware this week even existed...

[vetran]

Most women are "bi".

The trick is to work out if that ends with "Sexual", or "Polar" before you ask them out.

[vetran]

My wife told me I need to get in touch with my feminine side.

So I stopped talking to her for 3 days and whenever she asked me what was wrong I said "nothing it doesnt matter" and then I went out and crashed the car

[vetran]

Saw a post from a friend on Facebook the other day. "just finished a half marathon, so proud of myself".

That's nothing special, I had a king size Mars bar the other day.

[vetran]

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it and put it in the hole.

It’s time to sew the labels in the kids shirts again

[vetran]

BBC News - Australian mother's joy at being reunited with boy lost in bush.

Bloody hell, how unkempt must her fanny have been?