Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house.

I think he's lost his rag.

[vetran]

I think shredded cheese should be banned in England.

Make Britain grate again.

[vetran]

The bottle of vodka said, "Drink responsibly."

So I drank it while completing my tax return.

[NotAllThere]

My friends were all eating fruits from a pyrus tree, and they all kept telling me to try some too!

But I don't give in to pear pressure

I had a similar issue in the House of Lords. Judgmental bastards.

[vetran]

The rooster teaches us it is perfectly natural to start your day with a couple of screams.

[vetran]

Are Viagra jokes classed as stand-up comedy?

[vetran]

Man dies after inserting bath tap into rectum.

It was a fitting end.

[vetran]

My friends were all eating fruits from a pyrus tree, and they all kept telling me to try some too!

But I don't give in to pear pressure

[vetran]

'...A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favourite of humans.

The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth (canine) after us.
Naming such an important body part after us shows they like us more."

The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know."

[vetran]

Having a candlelit dinner with the wife tonight.



The electric bill's just arrived.

[WTFH]

I found out my doctor’s only been prescribing me placebos but the joke’s on him as I’m not really ill.

[WTFH]

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.



Schwepped her off her feet.

[WTFH]

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared me so much that today I’ve decided never to read it again.

[WTFH]

Left some fruit and vegetables outside my house with an honesty box.

When I returned, there was a note inside the box telling me I’m far too old to be wearing skinny jeans.

[vetran]

A defendant gets found Not Guilty of stealing a car.

So he says to the judge: "Can I keep the car then?"