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    If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my
    name at a Swiss bank. --W. Allen

    To get maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big mistake.

    Conscience is a small inner voice that doesn't speak your language.

    It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
    happens. --W. Allen

    When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or
    not. --M. Twain

    Most people want to be delivered from temptation, but would like it to
    keep in touch. --R. Orben

    The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets

    One place where you're sure to find the perfect driver is in the back

    In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

    Life is like riding a bicycle. You don't fall off unless you stop pedalling.

    I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

    Adversity is the state in which a man most easily becomes acquainted with
    himself, being especially free from admirers then.

    By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
    --M. Twain

    When you are saying something which doesn't mean much, you must say it
    with a great deal of authority.

    It is easy to be brave from a safe distance. --Aesop

    Nothing is permanent but change.

    Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be tolerated
    until they acquire some sense.

    You can't say civilisation won't advance ... for in every war they kill
    you a new way. --W. Rogers

    I have never found that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.

    In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made
    School Boards. --M. Twain

    I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. --Mark Twain


      A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
      shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

      "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
      catch a thing!"

      "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his
      mother said.

      The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."


        They started a new Big Brother series in Soweto 3 weeks ago.

        Of the original 12 housemates, 2 were murdered, 3 were raped, 4 were
        mugged and there is now a total of 165 people in the house...



          _______________ _______________

          S t . M o m ' s W o r t

          Plant extract that treats mom's depression
          by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
          up to six hours.
          _______________ _______________

          E m p t y N e s t r o g e n

          Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy
          by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as
          teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

          P e p t o b i m b o

          Liquid silicone for single women.
          Two full cups swallowed before an evening out
          increases breast size, decreases intelligence,
          and improves flirting.
          _______________ ______________

          D u m e r o l

          When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause
          dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment
          of country western music.
          _______________ ______________

          F l i p i t o r

          Increases life expectancy of commuters by
          controlling road rage and the urge to flip off
          other drivers.
          _______________ _______________

          A n t i b o y o t i c s

          When administered to teenage girls, is highly
          effective in improving grades, freeing up phone
          lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

          M e n i c i l l i n

          Potent antiboyotic for older women.
          Increases resistance to such lines as, "You
          make me want to be a better person ...
          can we get naked now?"
          _______________ ______________

          B u y a g r a

          Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping.
          Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

          Extra Strength Buy-One-all

          When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
          indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim
          may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD
          or a book by Dr. Laura.

          J a c k A s s p i r i n

          Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't
          remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

          A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t

          A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone
          too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
          _______________ _______________

          S e x c e d r i n

          More effective than Excedrin in treating the,
          "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
          _______________ _______________

          R a g a m e t

          When administered to a husband, provides the
          same irritation as ragging on him all weekend,
          saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
          _______________ _______________


            Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following
            conversation ensued:

            First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
            golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
            room in the house next weekend."

            Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
            her a new deck for the pool."

            Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
            will remodel the kitchen for her."

            They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
            not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what
            you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"

            Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes
            off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or
            Intercourse?', I ask. She says, 'Wear your sweater.'"


              Interpol issued a statement on last month's bulletin. It says they
              don't believe the different cases to be linked to a major crime
              syndicate, rather lots of smaller groups acting alone. They have said
              this actually makes it more difficult to track, because the only common
              ground is the buyers. Unfortunately buying isn't illegal yet, so
              Interpol say the crime can take root quicker than they can combat it.

              This took place in Tianjin, near Beijing in China, but Interpol say
              it's spreading west into Europe.

              A traveller arriving from Japan tried to use a public phone to call
              a Japanese contact he'd been given. After finishing the call he tried to
              extract his change from the coin return slot. When he put his hand in
              to get the money he felt a sharp ***** on his finger. Immediately
              withdrawing his hand he looked in the slot to see an old, soiled,
              blood-stained hyperdermic needle. He panics, assumes the worst and
              rushes out onto the street, where he tries to call for help. Not
              speaking Cantonese, he blurts out in his own language. A passer-by
              stops who says he speaks Japanese. The man explains what happened and the
              passer-by says he'll call the paramedics. The passer-by then takes the
              traveller into a nearby hotel reception and speaks to the staff to
              explain what's happening.

              Two paramedics arrive shortly. They inspect his hand and say they
              are going to have to act quickly to neutralise any chance of infection.
              They give the man a shot in the arm and he > soon starts to feel light
              headed. The passer-by acts as an interpreter and explains that they'll
              have to remove a small section of skin. One of the paramedics pulls out
              what appear to be a sterilised pair of stainless steel wire cutters.
              The traveller is barely conscious, but realises something is wrong when
              they lift his thumb, NOT the finger he pricked. The next thing he remembers
              is intense pain, followed by soothing sounds from the "kindly"
              passer-by. The paramedics, whilst bandaging his hand, tell him
              something urgent in Cantonese. The groggy man looks around to the passer-by for
              the translation, but he's nowhere to be seen. When the man looks back,
              both the paramedics have gone too. His earlier panic immediately starts
              to rise and he looks down at the blood soaked dressing on his hand.

              Scrambling to get it off, he realises to his horror, that his right
              thumb has been cut off just below the knuckle.

              The University of Beijing in conjunction with Taishan University
              Medical Center is currently conducting tissue research to match the man
              with a donor. However he may have to pay up to $8,000 for the

              Thumbs are worth between 600 and 20,000 dollars each on the black
              market. Apparently those belonging to hyper active children, epileptics
              and pianists being the most sought after. It is thought there is a
              growing demand for thumbs, due to the rapid rise of graft surgery
              (nicknamed Addathumbtomy <http://www.addathumbtomy.com/> ) within the
              gaming console community. Apparently game performance is greatly
              enhanced by the additional digit.


                A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to
                "Where do pets come from?" Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you
                walked with me every day.Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and
                it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

                And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be
                with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
                will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or
                childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you
                are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

                And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good
                animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam
                and he wagged his tail.

                And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals
                in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new

                And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a
                reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name,
                "and you will call him DOG."

                And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.

                And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged
                his tail.

                After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord
                and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like
                a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
                him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

                And God said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with
                him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of
                his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

                And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

                And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
                supreme being.

                And Adam learned humility.

                And God was pleased.

                And Adam was greatly improved.

                And Dog was happy.

                And the cat didn't give a sh1t one way or the other.


                  Romeo Beckham got his first chance to play for Man U at Old Trafford, so he asked his dad what number he should wear. David thought for a minute



                  Wear 4 out there Romeo


                    A woman scans the guests at a party and spots an attractive man standing alone. She sidles up to him. 'My name is Carmen', she purrs. 'That's beautiful', he replies 'Is it a family name?'

                    'No,' she says. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most - cars and men.'

                    'What's your name?' she asks.

                    'Bob Titsenbeer'


                      A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex
                      products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures
                      baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss
                      is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The
                      popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

                      Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
                      manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise.
                      "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the
                      'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

                      "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
                      guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

                      "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

                      "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"