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    #81
    Two fish in a Tank





    One says to the other can you drive this thing?
    "Wait, I still function!"

    Comment


      #82
      St. Peter is sitting at his desk near the beautiful, bejewelled Pearly Gates, when 40 Scousers turn up.

      "tulip!" thinks Peter, "40 of 'em. Still, rules are rules." So, he approaches the gates and says, "Hello. Why are you here?"

      "Massive train crash, mate," says one of the Scousers, "we all died, and now we wanna get in to Heaven."

      Peter checks his "Have they been Good?" book, and is astonished to find that, taking into account their origins, all 40 are eligible to enter Heaven. Realising the social impact of 40 more Scousers in Heaven, Peter says, "OK. This is all a bit unprecedented; I need to consult with God before I let anyone in. Back in a minute."

      So, off he goes to see God.

      He arrives at God's throne and says, "Bit of a problem. 40 Scousers wanting to get in. All eligible. What do we do?"

      God sits in silence for a moment, and says, "Here is my judgement: 20 can enter. The others can't"

      Peter then makes his way back to the Scousers.

      2 minutes later, God sees Peter running back towards him, panting and sweating.

      God says, "What is it Peter?"

      Peter says, "They've gone!"

      God says, "What? All 40 of them?"

      Peter says, "No! The gates!"
      Last edited by richard-af; 27 July 2007, 08:32.

      Comment


        #83
        What's grey and smells of curry?




















        John Major's c0ck

        Comment


          #84
          Originally posted by Old Greg
          What's grey and smells of curry?




















          John Major's c0ck
          Ah, the old ones are the best.

          Or so they say!
          Best Forum Advisor 2014
          Work in the public sector? You can read my FAQ here
          Click here to get 15% off your first year's IPSE membership

          Comment


            #85
            The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

            Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

            It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

            The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform" and "Sing Marching Songs"." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

            Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

            Comment


              #86
              In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( S.H.I.T).

              We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course, please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T list and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T you can handle.

              Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T) .

              Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).
              Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you are full of S.H.I.T you may be interested in a job teaching others.
              We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

              For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION ( M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T

              If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T).


              Thank you,

              BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
              (B.I.G.S.H.I..T)


              P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T . They have already had their fill of S.H..I.T .

              Thank you for your time. !
              Sincerely,

              Comment


                #87
                Originally posted by andrew_neil_uk
                The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

                Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

                It's not only the British and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

                The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform" and "Sing Marching Songs"." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

                Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
                Er, I have seen this before... in this Forum... about 2 days ago... hmmmm.

                Comment


                  #88
                  Originally posted by richard-af
                  Er, I have seen this before... in this Forum... about 2 days ago... hmmmm.

                  damn - you are right! I am getting old and my memory is going. Will repost in another few days.

                  I hope the S.H.I.T post was new - well new on this thread anyway. Obviously its old elsewhere...

                  Comment


                    #89
                    It's easy to smile,
                    And laugh all the while,
                    When the World rolls along like a song.

                    But it's the better man,
                    Who keeps on smiling,
                    When the World starts to go wrong.
                    - Adolf Hitler, April 1945

                    Comment


                      #90
                      Sorry if it's been done before

                      Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic"
                      & Bill Clinton's "My Life"


                      One student turned in the following book report, With the proposition
                      that they were nearly identical stories!

                      His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

                      Titanic:..... Cost - $29.99
                      Clinton :..... Cost - $29.99

                      Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
                      Clinton :.... Over 3 hours to read

                      Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
                      subsequent catastrophe.
                      Clinton :..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
                      and subsequent catastrophe.

                      Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
                      Clinton :..... Bill is a bulltulip artist.

                      Titanic:.... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
                      Clinton :..... Ditto for Bill.

                      Titanic:..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
                      Clinton :..... Ditto for Monica.

                      Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
                      Clinton :..... Let's not go there.

                      Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
                      Clinton :. Monica' s forced to return her gifts.

                      Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
                      Clinton :..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

                      Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
                      Clinton :..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

                      Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
                      Clinton :..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

                      Comment

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