Please put more jokes here

[Growernotashower]

Did anyone else think it was going to be a different play on the word Eight??!!

[Colemanisor]

The Battle of Trafalgar 2007 version.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
............. full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in
this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle
in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone,
Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of
your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to
rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a total ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................ kiss me, Hardy."

[daviejones]

Very funny indeed.....it does show just how daft it has all become though!!!

[Orbit]

How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

[macro]

Battle of Hastings

King Harold is inspecting his troops before The Battle of Hastings. He asks for a demonstration of the skills if his men:

“Axeman – what is your name?”

“Smith your highness.”

“Smith – show me what you can do”

Smith throws his axe 100 yards and splits a tree down the middle.

“Well done Smith – you will serve your country well in battle tomorrow”

“Spearsman – what is your name?”

“Brown your highness.”

“Brown – show me what you can do”

Brown throws his spear 150 yards and splits another tree down the middle.

“Well done Brown – you will serve your country well in battle tomorrow”

“Bowman – what is your name?”

“Jones your highness.”

“Jones – show me what you can do”

Jones loads an arrow, pulls back his bow and lets go. The arrow slips and flies 5 yards into the gravel in front of him”

“Gosh Jones – you need to be really careful or you’ll have somebody’s eye out with that thing”

[TheFaQQer]

A blonde goes to a chemist and asks for some rectal deodorant.

"Rectal deodorant? I don't think we have any," says the pharmacist.

"I always buy it here, you always have it," blonde responds.

Baffled, the pharmacist asks the blonde if she can have a look round the shelves and see if they can find it. Eventually, the blonde grabs a standard stick deodorant.

"See, I told you that you sold it!" she triumphantly declares.

The confused pharmacist says "But that's just normal deodorant - it's not rectal deodorant".

"It is," says the blonde, "See - it says here 'to apply, push up bottom'"

[richard-af]

King Harold is inspecting his troops before The Battle of Hastings. He asks for a demonstration of the skills if his men:

“Axeman – what is your name?”

“Smith your highness.”

“Smith – show me what you can do”

Smith throws his axe 100 yards and splits a tree down the middle.

“Well done Smith – you will serve your country well in battle tomorrow”

“Spearsman – what is your name?”

“Brown your highness.”

“Brown – show me what you can do”

Brown throws his spear 150 yards and splits another tree down the middle.

“Well done Brown – you will serve your country well in battle tomorrow”

“Bowman – what is your name?”

“Jones your highness.”

“Jones – show me what you can do”

Jones loads an arrow, pulls back his bow and lets go. The arrow slips and flies 5 yards into the gravel in front of him”

“Gosh Jones – you need to be really careful or you’ll have somebody’s eye out with that thing”

That joke was, in actual fact, first told in 1066.

[Maxamus]

Windows Vista

[Colemanisor]

Noah 2007

In the year 2007, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Cheltenham and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I could not build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many people of other nationalities I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

Then there is the health and Safety Executive, something about fire extinguishers and I said we won't need them as there is going to be so much rain, then they spoke about the clearance of tons of animal waste and so they went on about everything not meeting their requirements including Mrs Noah's suitcase weighing more that 23kgs and that there could be a claim against someone, this is all too ridiculous!!!

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"


"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[BA to the Stars]

Cake

Sorry the capitals guys & gals - it's how it was mailed to me. (It's funnier than my jokes which may well make you think I can see why he is a contractor and not a comedian)!

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

"HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW"

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

"FIX THE LIGHT, NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE AN ELECTRICIANS LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"

THE WIFE ASKS,
"WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

"FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE HOTPOINT WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

FINE, SHE SAYS,

"THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?" THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX THE STEPS", HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WOODIES DIY WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!! "

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID,
"WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED.JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MANASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID,
"SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED,
"HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE DELIA SMITH WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"