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Please put more jokes here

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    Not too long ago, I saw something at the gun and pawn shop that sparked
    my interest. The occasion was our 10th anniversary and I was looking
    for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. Needless to
    say, way too cool.

    Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
    two AAA batteries in the thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
    disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get a blue arc
    of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!
    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is
    on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? Yah.

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently, the trusting
    little soul, while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Kitty for a fraction of a second,
    but thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat and, as most of you
    already know, hell hath no fury like a cat ticked off. But, if I was
    going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
    mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
    glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
    would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
    three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
    ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
    would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
    long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
    loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries thinking to myself, "ain't no

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one
    side as to say, "don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second
    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I
    decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
    up, body slammed me on the carpet over and over and over again and then
    slammed the recliner over my head as a chaser.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
    in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
    to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
    position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making
    meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
    thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

    Please take this from the voice of experience - there is no such thing
    as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of
    that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
    about on the floor! Three second burst would be considered conservative.

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
    that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent and forlorn reading glasses were
    hanging miserably on the mantel of the fireplace.

    How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
    were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
    Novocain, and judging by how my jaw hung listlessly, my bottom lip must
    have weighed 88 lbs. By the way, at this point my testicles, feeling
    like they withdrew into my body somewhere around my ribcage, are still
    waiting for the all clear signal to emerge from the bomb shelter. Now I
    know how Tom Hanks' character felt when he had to go search for Private
    Ryan. I felt like I should offer a significant reward for their safe
    return. Even now, I experience shrinkage when I plug anything into the

    If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser to test it,
    take my advice - repeat after me...here, kitty kitty...

    Still in shock, Sparky


      . Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
      me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

      2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

      3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

      4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

      5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

      6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

      7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

      8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
      shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

      9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

      10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

      11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

      12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

      13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

      14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

      15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

      16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

      17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

      18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

      19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

      20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

      21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

      22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
      laxative on the same night.


        Prenuptual Agreement

        An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

        She said: I want to keep my house.
        He said that's fine with me.

        She said: And I want to keep my Rover.
        He said: That's fine with me.

        She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.
        He said: That's fine with me...Put me down for Fridays..


          Little Jonny

          Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

          Before they left their house, Little Johnny's Dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His Dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

          Little Johnny told his Dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, why, thank you, Little Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."

          "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

          "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

          "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses."


            The Difference Between Men and Women

            Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He
            asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
            few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
            themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
            while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

            And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
            Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
            realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
            six months?"

            And then, there is silence in the car.

            To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
            I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling
            confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him
            into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

            And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

            And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
            relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
            I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
            the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going?
            Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
            intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
            lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
            really even know this person?

            And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February
            when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
            dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way
            overdue for an oil change here.

            And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
            I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
            relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -
            even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,
            I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
            his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

            And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
            transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still
            not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
            weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this
            thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent
            thieves $600.

            And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
            angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't
            help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

            And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
            warranty...scumball s.

            And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
            knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
            next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a
            person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about
            me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl
            romantic fantasy.

            And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
            a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

            "Fred," Martha says aloud.

            "What?" says Fred, startled.

            "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
            beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I
            feel so..."

            She breaks down, sobbing.

            "What?" says Fred.

            "I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
            really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

            "There's no horse?" says Fred.

            "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.

            "No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.

            "It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says.

            There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can,
            tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
            that he thinks might work.

            "Yes," he says.

            Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.

            "Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

            "What way?" says Fred.

            "That way about time," says Martha.

            "Oh," says Fred. "Yes."

            Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
            to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
            it involves a horse. At last she speaks.

            "Thank you, Fred," she says.

            "Thank you," says Fred.

            Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
            tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to
            his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
            immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college
            basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has
            never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells
            him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he
            is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so
            he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

            The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
            them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
            In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
            everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
            every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
            considering every possible ramification.

            They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,
            maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never
            getting bored with it either.

            Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
            friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown,
            and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

            And that's the difference between men and women.


              Originally posted by Colemanisor
              Let's say a guy named Fred
              Brevity, wit, etc.


                I went to a zoo yesterday with the family, but all they had was a dog. It was a tulipsu.


                  Originally posted by Orbit
                  I went to a zoo yesterday with the family, but all they had was a dog. It was a tulipsu.


                    New Rules

                    New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the basketball team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

                    New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?

                    New Rule : Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky $$$$$$$s.

                    New Rule : If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

                    New Rule : Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

                    New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this $$$$ at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

                    New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

                    New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half- soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a**hole.

                    New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

                    New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that--It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

                    New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
                    "If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier"


                      I'd love to be eight again

                      A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

                      "I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

                      On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

                      What a Day!

                      He put her on every ride in the park:

                      * The Death Slide
                      * The Wall of Fear
                      * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

                      Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

                      Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake .

                      Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and


                      What a fabulous adventure!

                      Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed on to the bed exhausted.

                      He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and

                      Lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

                      Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

                      "I meant my dress size, you tw@t"