Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down

[shaunbhoy]

ENCOURAGE married couples to actually look at each other for once by calling their home phone after 9pm

[LondonManc]

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

[vetran]

Went to a restaurant last night called ‘Taste of the Raj.’ Not impressed.
The ******* waiter hit me with a stick and got me to build a complicated railway system.

[vetran]

Today an attractive lady said I had the body of a person much younger than me, and wanted to know my secret.
However, my lawyer advised me not to answer the police woman's questions.

[vetran]

How many McCanns does it take to change a lightbulb?

None - Somebody's already taken it out.

[LondonManc]

The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "this changes everything".

[vetran]

An egg walks into a bar with a grin on its face...


The barman said ''You look happy''


The egg replied ''I am, I got laid last night''.

[LondonManc]

How can it take only one match to start a forest fire but a whole box to light a barbecue?

[vetran]

"Push harder!" I shouted to my wife while she was in labour.
"**** off you bastard!" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh, I thought - it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.