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Please put more jokes here

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    An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
    the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
    of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

    He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
    from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
    out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
    railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

    With laboured breath, he leaned against the
    door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
    agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
    there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
    literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

    Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
    devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
    this world a happy man?

    Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
    towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
    His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
    edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
    with a wooden spoon ......

    F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'


      At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.

      At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching
      his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some
      insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all
      these years.

      Luigi replied to the assembled husbands,

      "Well, I've a-tried to treat her nice, spend the money on her, but
      best is that I took her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

      The Priest responded,

      "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

      Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ."

      Luigi proudly replied,

      "I'm a-gonna go and get her."


        New findings in Jerusalem.

        A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a
        slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
        In order the figures were:
        1) A Woman
        2) A Donkey
        3) A Shovel
        4) A Fish
        5) A Star of David.

        After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took
        the rock and went on a lecture tour.
        He said the carvings were several thousands of years old, but even so
        they revealed a lot about the people of that time.

        1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that
        women were held in very high esteem.
        It was most likely a family oriented culture.

        2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals.
        They probably used the donkey to till the fields.

        3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to
        Make tools.

        4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised
        By also reaping from the sea.

        5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious
        Group of people.

        A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.

        When acknowledged, he said...

        "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right.
        In Hebrew we read from right to left.
        That way it reads.........

        'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'"

        A Cut Here, A Cut There...

        Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other.
        The first kid leaned over and asked,
        "What are you in here for?"

        The second kid said,
        "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

        The first kid said,
        "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once.
        They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of
        Jell-O and ice cream.
        It's a piece of cake!"

        The second kid then asked,

        "What are you in here for?"

        The first kid responded,

        "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

        The second kid said,
        "Whoa! I had that done when I was born.
        I couldn't walk for a year!"


          An atom walks down the road and meets another atom who looks fed up. He asks
          him, "What's up mate"? The atom replies, "I lost all my electrons". He asks
          him, "Are you sure". The atom replies, "I'm f**king positive".


            It's Saturday morning. Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when
            he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the
            washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse
            and phones home. "Hello" Says a little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's
            Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in
            the bedroom with Uncle Frank." After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you
            haven't got an Uncle Frank, Honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the
            bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the
            phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and
            Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!"
            A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did
            what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed
            with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug
            and fell down the front steps and she's just lying there. I think she's
            dead." "Oh my God! And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with
            no clothes on, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into
            the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all
            the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and is just
            lying there, not moving. He may be dead, too." There is a long pause, then
            Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"


              An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about
              their sons.

              "My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman.

              "So we obviously decided to call him George."

              "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot.

              "My son was born on St.Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him

              "That's incredible, what a coincidence!" said the Irishman.

              "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."


                Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when
                telephone rang.

                "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in
                Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring
                on you!"

                "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how
                is your army?"

                "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is
                myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes
                team from the pub -- that makes eight!"

                Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have a million men in my army
                waiting to move on my command."

                "Begorrah!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"

                Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is
                on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

                "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

                "Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from

                Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand
                tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has
                to two million men since we last spoke."

                "Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"

                Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry
                tell you that we have had to call off the war."

                "I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

                "Well," said Paddy "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat,
                and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."


                  Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

                  In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered

                  "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to
                  a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

                  Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single
                  flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to
                  compose herself.

                  She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice,
                  and asked:

                  "Will I be acquitted?"


                    I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long, baby

                    Nice legs...what time do they open?

                    You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

                    I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

                    Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

                    I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

                    Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

                    Are those real?

                    I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for
                    that thing you do with your tongue.

                    If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

                    (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself,

                    You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

                    You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

                    **** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

                    Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

                    My name is Austin... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

                    Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

                    Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

                    I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

                    If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we
                    do it in public.

                    Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

                    Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

                    Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???


                      Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
                      Difference between men and woman....
                      7 things that make a woman happy:

                      Being less than 10 pounds over weight
                      Hearing "I love you"
                      Fitting into last years swimsuit
                      Eating out
                      Surprise presents
                      Getting high marks on a Cosmo test

                      7 things that make a man happy:

                      Not having to shave
                      Not needing bigger underwear
                      Flattery (of any sort)
                      Shopping (for car/bike spares)
                      Pizza delivery
                      Fixing something that doesn't immediately fall apart again
                      Having £50.00 "Mad money" in his wallet
                      What is the mystery 7th thing for women? Is it "not having to do anything mathematical / vaguely technical"?
                      If you find this post offensive, please insert "Chan" before and "tho" after, then it should be OK.

                      Sometimes I almost feel just like a human being - Elvis Costello