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Please put more jokes here

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    What do you call a dog with no nose ?
    Daniella Westbrook.


      The Claire Swire story...

      -----Original Message-----
      From: Drummond, Edward
      Sent: 07 December 2000 16:28
      To:Hames, JoelWalker, StevenMurray, Grant
      Driver, RobertKnight,
      PeterFerri, DavidNewby, ChrisMoss, Jason
      Cc:Banner, HeatherBoxer, SonyaWilliamson,
      EmmaFalkner, Claire
      Subject: FW: "yours was yum"

      beggars belief. I feel honour bound to circulate this.

      -----Original Message-----
      From: Chait, Bradley
      Sent: 07 December 2000 16:25
      To:Tarbuck, AndrewCaffarate, NickTownsend,
      JamieDavies, StuartDrummond, Edward
      Subject: "yours was yum"

      now THAT'S a nice compliment from a lass, isn't it?

      -----Original Message-----
      From: Claire Swire
      Sent: 07 December 2000 16:12
      To:Chait, Bradley
      Subject: RE:

      I hadn't swallowed for years but yours was yum and very good for me
      Apparently it's very good conditioner for your hair too...getting a
      funny picture in my head, giggling out loud and now having to explain to
      Dave what's so funny!

      -----Original Message-----
      From: Chait, Bradley
      [mailto:[email protected]]
      Sent: 07 December 2000 16:10
      To:'Claire Swire'
      Subject: RE:
      Not ALL the time I hope
      (or so you would have me believe)
      -----Original Message-----
      From: Claire Swire
      Sent: 07 December 2000 16:07
      To:Chait, Bradley
      Subject: RE:

      lucky I swallow so that wont be happening to me!

      -----Original Message-----
      From: Chait, Bradley
      [mailto:[email protected]]
      Sent: 07 December 2000 16:06
      To:'Claire Swire'
      Subject: RE:


      -----Original Message-----
      From: Claire Swire
      Sent: 07 December 2000 15:53
      To:Adrian James (E-mail)Benny Shipley
      Chait, Bradley
      Scotson (E-mail)Chris May (E-mail)Ellie
      Thorneycroft (E-mail)Mark
      st croix (E-mail)Matt Metos (E-mail)Pete
      Kenyon (E-mail)Toby


      A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing aski mask and holding a gun.
      He goes ^pup to the nurse and demands her to openthe sperm bank vault.
      She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it
      now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are
      all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and
      drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are spermsamples???" , "DO IT!".
      So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.",
      so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finallyafter 4 samples the man
      takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its notthat hard."


        On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new
        bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
        The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your

        The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.

        "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me
        take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my
        dear, so I can carry your beauty next
        to my heart forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he
        heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
        new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the
        man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a
        picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it


          Vodka Xmas Cake
          Christmas Cake Ingredients:
          1 cup of water
          1 tsp baking soda
          1 cup of sugar
          1 tsp salt
          1 cup of brown sugar lemon juice
          4 large eggs nuts
          1 bottle Vodka
          2 cups of dried fruit

          Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka
          again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup
          and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
          in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At
          this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK.
          Try another cup.... just in case. Turn off the mixerer. Break
          2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
          Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit
          gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.
          Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two
          cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a tulip. Check the vodka. Now
          shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
          spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven
          and piss in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not
          to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw
          the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick
          the cat. Fall into bed. CHERRY MISTMAS!


            From us ("the wishor") to you ("hereinafter called the
            wishee") Please accept without obligation, implied or
            implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious,
            socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-
            addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
            solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
            traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
            secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
            religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others,
            or their choice not to practice religious or secular
            traditions at all; and a financially successful,
            personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
            recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar
            year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice
            of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race,
            creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith,
            choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the

            By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

            * This greeting is subject to further clarification or

            * This greeting is freely transferable provided that no
            alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that
            the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

            * This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually
            implement any of the wishes.

            * This greeting may not be enforceable in certain
            jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be
            binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is
            revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

            * This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be
            expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a
            period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent
            holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

            * The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited
            replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
            sole discretion of the wishor.

            * Any references in this greeting to "the Lord", "Father
            Christmas", "Our Saviour", or any other festive figures,
            whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply
            any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting,
            and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party
            names and images are hereby acknowledged.

            * This greeting may have been offered at a lower price by the
            wishor within the last 30 days. This greeting does not
            affect your statutory rights.


              > A bloke goes to a disco and starts chatting up this
              > good-looking Chinese
              > girl.
              > She appears to be quite into it and soon asks him back to her
              > place "for a
              > coffee".
              > When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink
              > while she slips into something more comfortable...
              > Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese
              > seductress returns
              > wearing only a see-through negligee.
              > I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely
              > ANYTHING you want"
              > Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his
              > luck so he says: "I really fancy a 69"
              > "Bloody hell" replies the girl... "I'm not cooking at this
              > time of night." !!!


                Railway operator RailCrack has today announced a surprise late bid to
                run the national lottery. "We've been running a ******* lottery on the
                rail network for years", said Ronnie Corbett, RailCrack's Chief
                Executive, "so this is a natural progression".

                Under the proposals, a player will buy a "season ticket" to make five
                return journeys a week at peak times. "You nominate timetabled trains
                for each day, and if all ten come in on time and in one piece you win
                the jackpot", he said, "a reserved seat in first class for the rest of
                your life, or a year, whichever is shorter".

                Corbett confirmed that RailCrack were going to be giving over a
                significant amount of money to good causes: ".. things like leaves on
                the line, floods and vandalism - These are good causes that we can
                blame on other people, as opposed to bad causes like dodgy track or
                faulty signalling, which we're in danger of being held responsible for

                RailCrack is the main player in the Crashalot consortium formed for
                the franchise bid. Other backers include US software giant MicroShaft
                who promise to put in new machines that make buying a ticket a lottery
                in itself. Crashalot are also planning a special "Rollover" game,
                where players pick the next scheduled train service they think will
                roll over.


                  To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of
                  your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern
                  yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
                  independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
                  Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
                  commonwealths and other territories.

                  Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
                  (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
                  now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will
                  appoint a minister for America without the need for further
                  elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
                  questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine
                  whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British
                  Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate

                  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
                  Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will
                  be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
                  you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
                  "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with
                  filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable
                  and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
                  2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
                  know on your behalf.
                  3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
                  accents. It really isn't that hard.
                  4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
                  the good guys.
                  5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
                  Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
                  you to get confused and give up half way through.
                  6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
                  kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not
                  a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a
                  world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
                  plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
                  and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
                  if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
                  brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
                  similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
                  a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
                  armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
                  rugby sevens side by 2005.
                  7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
                  weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
                  that there is a world outside your borders should count ourselves lucky.
                  The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".
                  8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a
                  new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
                  9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
                  your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
                  we mean.
                  10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

                  Thank you for your co-operation.


                    An Englishman, Aussie and South African in a bar one night having a beer.

                    All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer throws his glass in the
                    pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces and says " In Sath Afrika our
                    are so cheap that we don't need to drink from same one twice".

                    The Aussie obviously impressed by this (simple things.......)drinks his beer
                    throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to
                    and says "Well mate, in Auuuu-strailia we have so much sand to make the
                    that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."

                    The Englishman, cool as a cucumber. Picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
                    glass into the air, pulls put his gun and shoots the South African and the
                    Australian and says "In England we have so many f*@&ing South Africans and
                    Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice "


                      God and Gabriel were talking over the creation of humans.

                      "The nerve endings, said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her

                      "How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.

                      "Two hundred, O Mighty One", replied Gabriel.

                      "Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

                      "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals",
                      inquired Gabriel.

                      "How many did we put in Adam?", asked The Lord.

                      "Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One", replied Gabriel.

                      "Of course! We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra
                      pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman", said
                      The Lord.

                      "Yes, O Great Lord", said Gabriel.

                      "No, wait," said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten thousand,
                      I want her to scream out my name!..."