• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:



    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''



    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''



    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

    Comment


      If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

      Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

      Here's what happened:

      Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

      'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?'

      I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

      'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

      'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

      'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

      I was equally outraged.

      'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

      'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

      'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

      'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

      'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

      By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

      'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

      'Oh, gross!' they shrieked

      'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

      We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

      'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

      'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

      'Do something, Dad !' my son urged.

      'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

      'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know.

      'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

      'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

      'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

      'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

      The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

      'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

      'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

      I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

      'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

      'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

      We were silent, absorbing this.

      'So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited,' my wife offered.

      'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

      More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

      'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

      Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just .that . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . its. . . teeny little . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

      'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

      'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

      'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

      Two lizards: $140.

      One cage: $50.

      Trip to the vet: $30.

      Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

      Priceless!

      Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

      Lizards lay eggs

      Comment


        Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
        If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
        congrats BrilloPad.....the funniest one yet!!!!! I had to leave my desk before I exploded with laughter.
        It's Deja-vu all over again!

        Comment


          Originally posted by KathyWoolfe View Post
          congrats BrilloPad.....the funniest one yet!!!!! I had to leave my desk before I exploded with laughter.
          Very kind of you - cheers.

          Comment


            wot she said
            Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

            C.S. Lewis

            Comment


              Originally posted by Board Game Geek View Post
              wot she said
              why thank you kind Sir

              Comment


                A definite nose fountain job

                Comment


                  Originally posted by Ardesco View Post
                  A definite nose fountain job
                  thank you again Sir

                  And to think I nearly did not post it - thought the mods might find it a bit rude...

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by BrilloPad View Post
                    thank you again Sir

                    And to think I nearly did not post it - thought the mods might find it a bit rude...


                    just wondering if there are any lizards on the board who might elaborate a little on this one





                    (\__/)
                    (>'.'<)
                    ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work

                    Comment


                      Where do pirates do their shopping?







                      Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgos
                      Best Forum Advisor 2014
                      Work in the public sector? You can read my FAQ here
                      Click here to get 15% off your first year's IPSE membership

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X