What do you get when you take LSD and birth control pills?
A trip without the kids.
A trip without the kids.
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Was at marriage guidance last week, and typically me and the Mrs weren't getting on.
The councillor asked me to think of something we had in common.
After thinking for a min, I said, "Well, neither of us will suck a c**k".When freedom comes along, don't PISH in the water supply.....Comment
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I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.Comment
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Bizarre, I was just searching google for Milton Jones one liners and stumbled across this forum:Originally posted by TheFaQQer View Post
Favorite one liners from comedians - The Student Room
With tht exact joke in it. Came on here to post and you'd beaten me to itCoffee's for closersComment
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Jesus joins the line-up for the 100m freestyle swimming event. As he's adjusting his Speedos, a fellow competitor asks, "Hey Jesus, what style will you be using? Butterfly? Breast-stroke?"
"Nah, none of those," replies Jesus, "I'll be sprinting."Comment
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A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."Comment
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Manager :
A person who believes that 9 women can produce a child in 1 month.Comment
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Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. He is told to live in a small cottage in the woods. Nearby is a huge mansion where the captain of the titanic lives. So Bill asks God why he is in such a relatively small house.
God says "because the titanic only crashed once".Comment
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I fell over and hit my head this morning really hard, and a big lump appeared. I followed the old wives take and spread margarine on it.....
I can't believe it's not better..No, its not a banana in my pocketComment
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