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    A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood
    agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young
    man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of
    his fine young specimen.
    "You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an
    actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
    "Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir." said
    the handsome young man.
    "I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours." said the
    "Your name, Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in
    Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your
    "Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my
    father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this
    name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other
    "If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
    "Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change."
    With that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

    Five Years Later...

    The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some
    producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals
    and the like.
    There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter.
    As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds
    and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars!
    He read the letter:

    Dear Sir,

    Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an
    actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected,
    saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left
    your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness
    and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advise and
    endeavored to change my name.

    Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
    Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back
    to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name.

    I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my
    humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such
    wealth and fame.

    Very Sincerely Yours,

    Dick Van Dyke


      Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a
      kitchen in France?
      A: Linoleum blownapart.

      Q: A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what was
      it called?
      A: Dogless Fairbanks.

      Q: Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
      A: Litre Vino.

      Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a
      Roman barber?
      A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

      Q: Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that
      A: Both crews were marooned.

      Q: Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his
      tooth pulled?
      A: He wanted to transcend dental medication.

      Q: Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who
      opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
      A: One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.


        A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin
        disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath". So the guy goes
        to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs
        enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want
        that pasteurized?" "Nah", the man replies "Up to my chin
        should do it."



          It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke
          this lady's personalised license plate:

          3M TA3

          Can you tell why?
          Scroll down to see answer below.

          It's "EAT ME" in everyone's rear view mirror!!


            Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch
            front of the television, and tells his wife, *Get me a beer before it

            The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

            Fifteen minutes later, he says, *Get me another beer before it starts.-

            She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

            He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, *Quick, get me
            beer, it"s going to start any minute.-

            The wife is furious. She yells at him *Is that all you"re going to do
            tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You"re nothing but a
            drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . .-

            Keith sighs and says, *It"s started . . *


              A PRIEST decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.

              He looks around and finally stops to watch a FISHERMAN load his boat.
              The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join
              for a couple of hours.

              The priest agrees.
              The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the
              priest says, "No."

              So he baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot Father"
              After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get
              to the boat.
              Whoa, what a big Sonofabitch!

              Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?

              (Thinking quickly)
              I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called -- a

              Oh, I'm sorry-I didn't know
              After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the

              Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!

              Please Father, mind your language This is a house of God.

              No, you don't understand! That's what this fish is called and I caught
              I caught this sonofabitch!

              Hmmm... You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it
              So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it and takes it to the MOTHER
              SUPERIOR at the convent.

              Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?

              MOTHER SUPERIOR
              My lord, what language!"

              No, Sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch! Father
              it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it

              MOTHER SUPERIOR
              Hmmm Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight.
              Well, the Pope decided to stop by that night and they invited him to
              They all thought the fish was great. He asked them where they got it.

              I caught the sonofabitch!
              I cleaned the sonofabitch!
              MOTHER SUPERIOR
              And I cooked the sonofabitch!
              The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then
              off his hat, puts his feet up on the table and says:

              You know, you Motherf****rs are alright!



                A magic act performed on Saturday night, where fast food vanishes down
                performer's throat, and then shortly afterwards, it suddenly reappears
                the taxi floor.

                Aussie Kiss:
                Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

                Back End of the Batmobile:
                The state of your Brass Eye soon after you eat a really hot curry.
                "I had a Ring Stinger in the Benghazi restaurant last night, and now
                got a dose of Gandhi's Revenge. My arse feels like the back end of the

                Beaver Leaver:
                or Vagina Decliner. A homosexual.

                Beer Coat:
                The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
                3 in the morning.

                Beer Compass:
                The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
                cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how
                get there, and where you've come from.

                Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

                Boiler Suit:
                The prosecution charge that you did wilfully, and with phallus
                aforethought, score with a Bobfoc last night. This charge is usually
                brought by a kangaroo court of your friends in the pub on Saturday

                Bone of Contention:
                A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man is
                watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend.

                Breaking the Seal:
                Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
                breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
                required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

                Budgie's Tongue:
                or Small Man In A Boat, or Tongue Punchbag. The female erection.

                Blue-Veined Hooligan. The 1-eyed skinhead.

                Cider Visor:
                Beer Goggles for the young drinker.

                1-handed reading material.

                The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in
                morning to get to the toilet quick.

                The particularly frothy type of diarrhoea that you get when abroad.

                Double Bass:
                A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and
                fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her Budgie's Tongue
                the other. The position is similar to that used when playing a double
                instrument, but the sound produced is slightly different.

                Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her

                Fizzy Gravy:
                or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea.

                Flogging On:
                Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

                Free the Tadpoles:
                Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks.

                Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay.

                The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a

                Going For a Mctulip:
                Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
                just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
                declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a Mctulip

                A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

                Hand-to-Gland Combat:
                A vigorous masturbation session.

                Hefty Cleft:
                or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. Description of a very large vagina.

                The type of bowel movement you experience after dining for a week in
                food restaurants.
                Millennium Domes:
                The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed
                the outside, but there's actually ****-all in there worth seeing.

                Monkey Bath:
                A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo!
                Aa! Aa!".

                Mystery Bus:
                The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
                after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
                pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

                Mystery Taxi:
                The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
                whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your

                No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub.
                opposite of a 10-Pinter.

                Picasso Arse:
                A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
                got 4

                Sperm Wail:
                or Spuphemism. A verbal outburst during the male orgasm.

                Starfish Trooper:
                or Arsetronaut. A homosexual.

                Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

                Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. (1 to cover
                head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag falls off.)

                A lady who goes down first time out.

                Todger Dodger:
                A lesbian.

                Wank Seance:
                During a masturbation session, the eerie feeling that you're being
                with disgust by your dead relatives.

                Unwanted visitors from Uranus.


                  1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while

                  2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

                  3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and
                  the other is the husband!

                  4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they
                  wanted cash.

                  5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
                  purchased new school uniforms.

                  6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

                  7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
                  cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

                  8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

                  9.True friends stab you in the front.

                  10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

                  11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

                  12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get

                  13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees
                  with me.

                  14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

                  15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

                  16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still
                  ends up with the same boss.

                  17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
                  gets to speak.

                  18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it
                  for you.
                  19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
                  because they have to say something.

                  20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address


                    THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE.

                    AGE - DRINK.

                    17 - beer
                    25 - vodka
                    35 - bourbon
                    48 - double bourbon
                    66 - Maalox

                    AGE SEDUCTION LINE.

                    17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
                    25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend
                    35 - My fiance is away for the weekend.
                    48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
                    66 - My second wife is dead.


                    17 - tongue.
                    25 - breakfast.
                    35 - She didn't set back my therapy.
                    48 - I didn't have to meet her kids.
                    66 - Got home alive.

                    AGE FAVORITE FANTASY.

                    17 - getting to third.
                    25 - airplane s*x.
                    35 - menage a trios.
                    48 - taking the company public.
                    66 - firm bowel movement.

                    WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

                    17 - 25
                    25 - 35
                    35 - 48
                    48 - 66
                    66 - 17

                    AGE IDEAL DATE.

                    17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in.
                    25 Split the check before we go back to my place.
                    35 Just come over.
                    48 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
                    66 Just come over and cook.

                    THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE.

                    AGE DRINK.

                    17 - Wine Coolers
                    25 - White wine
                    35 - Red wine
                    48 - Dom Perignon
                    66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

                    17 - Need to wash my hair.
                    25 - Need to wash and condition my hair.
                    35 - Need to colour my hair.
                    48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair.
                    66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig.

                    AGE FAVOURITE SPORT.

                    17 - shopping.
                    25 - shopping.
                    35 - shopping.
                    48 - shopping.
                    66 - shopping.


                    17 - Burger King.
                    25 - Free meal.
                    35 - A diamond.
                    48 - A bigger diamond.
                    66 - Home Alone.

                    AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY.

                    17 - tall, dark and handsome.
                    25 - tall, dark and handsome with money.
                    35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain.
                    48 - a man with hair.
                    66 - a man.

                    17 - 17
                    25 - 25
                    35 - 35
                    48 - 48
                    66 - 66

                    AGE IDEAL DATE.

                    17 - He offers to pay.
                    25 - He pays.
                    35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning.
                    48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids.
                    66 - He can chew breakfast.


                      A is for apple, and B is for boat,

                      That used to be right, but now it won't float!

                      Age before beauty is what we once said,

                      But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

                      A's for arthritis;

                      B's the bad back,

                      C's the chest pains , p erhaps car-d-iac?

                      D is for dental decay and decline,

                      E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

                      F is for fissures and fluid retention,

                      G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

                      H is high blood pressure-I'd rather it low;

                      I is for incisions with scars you can show.

                      J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,

                      k is for knees that crack when they bend.

                      L is for libido, what happened to sex?

                      M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

                      N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;

                      O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

                      P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, Just give me a pill and
                      I'll be good as new!

                      Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

                      R is for reflux, one meal turns to two

                      S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

                      T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!

                      U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;

                      V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

                      *A Thingos Presentation (c) Whimsical & Wacky

                      W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?

                      X is for X ray, and what might be found.

                      Y is another year I'm left here behind,

                      Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.

                      I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,

                      And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!