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Please put more jokes here

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    A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a
    gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter
    over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent
    over to her-knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

    The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying
    this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to
    send a note with the bottle back over to the man.

    The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
    Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

    The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and
    it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage,
    I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2
    inches! Send the bottle back."



      Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well
      mannered professional torturer?
      A. The torturer would apologise first.

      Q.Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
      A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

      Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?
      A. They both tear hams into shreds.

      Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
      A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

      Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor
      all fall out of an aeroplane. Which one hits the ground first?
      A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

      Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony?
      A. Unemployed.

      Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?
      A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.


        There was a great loss recently in the entertainment

        Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song
        Hokey Kokey, died last week at 83.

        It was especially difficult for the family to get him
        in the casket.

        They'd put his left leg in and....well, things just
        started going downhill from there.


          > > >In honour of the opening of the 2000 Olympics, here are some of the
          > > >classic questions that were asked of the Sydney Olympic Committee via
          > > >their Web site, and answers supplied where appropriate.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on
          > > >TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
          > > >A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this
          > > >question, who themselves will need watering if their IQ drops any
          > lower...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
          > > >A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin to
          > > >Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
          > > >A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being held
          > > >in Sydney.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
          > > >tracks? (Sweden)
          > > >A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, so you'll need to have
          > > >started about a year ago to get there in time for this October...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
          > > >A: And accomplish what?
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to
          > > >contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
          > > >A: I'm not touching this one...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
          > > >Will you let her in? (South Africa)
          > > >A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
          > > >Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
          > > >A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
          > > >A: No. Everybody stinks.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
          > > >A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages, and
          > > >most national parks...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
          > > >A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
          > > >population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
          > > >A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
          > > >A: Yes. At Christmas.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
          > > >A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
          > > >A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
          > > >(USA)
          > > >A: What's this guy smoking, and where do I get some?
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
          > > >round? (Germany)
          > > >A: Another blonde?
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
          > > >rattlesnake serum. (USA)
          > > >A: I love this one...there are no rattlesnakes in Australia.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
          > > >A: Face North and you should be about right.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
          > > >A: Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing
          > > >between Austria and Australia.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
          > > >its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
          > > >you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
          > > >A: From Liz Taylor, perhaps?
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Are there places in Australia where you can make love outdoors?
          > > >(Italy)
          > > >A: Yes. Outdoors.
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl
          > > >I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
          > > >(USA)
          > > >
          > > >
          > > >Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
          > > >A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.


            Here are some of the most witty things ever said about money:

            'I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were efficient.....Investing in a market where people believe in efficiency is like playing bridge with someone who has been told it doesn't do any good to look at the cards'.

            Warren Buffett

            'Conventional wisdom results in conventional results'.

            Mario Gabelli

            'We have embraced the 21st Century by entering such cutting-edge industries as brick, carpet, insulation and paint. Try to control your excitement'.

            Warren Buffett

            'You must never confuse genius with a bull market'.

            Nick Leslau

            'I made my money by selling too soon'.

            Bernard Baruch

            'Trading has been, and always will be, a hard way to make an easy living'.

            Jeffrey Silverman

            'There are old traders around and bold traders around, but there are no old, bond traders around'.

            Thomas Huxley

            'When someone says 'it's not about money', it's about money'.


            'Long periods of prosperity usually end in scandal'.

            George Taucher

            'Goldman Sachs. Sounds like some kind of brothel, but I'm assured it's not'.

            Stephen Fry

            'An economist is someone who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today'.

            Lawrence J Peter

            'I think a lot of people initially thought that the 'e' in e-business was more important than the business'.

            Michael Dell

            'The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights'.

            J.Paul Getty

            'The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary'.

            Vidal Sassoon

            'They say I wasted my money. I say 90% went on women, fast cars and booze. It was the rest I wasted'.

            George Best


              My favourite from Buffett:

              "If you've been playing poker for half an hour and you still don't know who the patsy is, you're the patsy." --Warren Buffett


                Never Argue with a Woman

                One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

                Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
                "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
                "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her
                "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"
                "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
                "For reading a book," she replies,
                "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again,
                "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading"
                "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
                "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with $e^ual assault," says the woman.
                "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
                "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
                "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.


                  The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
                  1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

                  2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

                  3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

                  4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

                  5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE

                  6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll
                  lose interest!"

                  7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
                  twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
                  lie still!"


                    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
                    The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
                    and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
                    The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
                    woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.

                    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
                    sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
                    mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
                    says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
                    The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

                    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
                    buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
                    the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
                    really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does
                    so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her
                    head. The boyfriend yells, "No,honey, don't do it." The blonde
                    replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

                    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
                    says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK,
                    what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's
                    easy: W."

                    What did the blonde say to her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
                    "Is it mine?"



                      David Ginola
                      Vagina dildo

                      Teddy Sheringham
                      Teddy Minge rash

                      Ossie Ardiles
                      Arse is soiled

                      Diego Maradona
                      O dear, I'm a gonad

                      Tony Blair PM
                      I'm Tory plan B

                      Virginia Bottomley
                      I'm an evil Tory bigot

                      Michael Heseltine
                      Elect him, he's alien

                      David Mellor
                      Dildo marvel

                      Dame Agatha Christie
                      I am a right death case

                      The Metropolitan Police Force
                      I'm fellatio, the erect porno cop

                      Benson and Hedges
                      NHS been a godsend

                      Selina Scott
                      Elastic snot

                      Mel Gibson
                      Big melons

                      Gloria Estefan
                      Large fat noise

                      Chris Rea
                      Rich arse

                      Martina Navratilova
                      Variant rival to a man

                      Gabriela Sabatini
                      Insatiable airbag

                      Irritable Bowel Syndrome
                      O my terrible drains below

                      Evil's Agent

                      A Rope Ends It

                      The Morse Code
                      Here Come Dots

                      Woman Hitler

                      Is No Meal

                      A Decimal Point
                      I'm a Dot in Place

                      Eleven plus two
                      Twelve plus one

                      President Clinton, of the USA
                      To copulate, he finds interns

                      Motorway Service Station
                      I eat coronary vomit stews.