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Please put more jokes here

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    Not a joke, the Daily Mirror has had a complaint from Katie Hopkins upheld by IPSO, so it has had to issue an apology:



    I believe they are genuinely happy to make the correction.
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      Went to the Doctor with Hearing problems the other day. He asked me

      "Can you describe the symptoms?"

      I said " Yes, Homer is a fat bald bloke and his wife Marge has blue hair!"
      “The period of the disintegration of the European Union has begun. And the first vessel to have departed is Britain”

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        Originally posted by shaunbhoy View Post
        Went to the Doctor with Hearing problems the other day. He asked me

        "Can you describe the symptoms?"

        I said " Yes, Homer is a fat bald bloke and his wife Marge has blue hair!"
        Again?
        https://forums.contractoruk.com/ligh...ml#post2508596
        The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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          Tony the Tiger turned up drunk at his ex-wife's wedding last night.

          ...Talk about a frosty reception.
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            If one more person asks me to do a somersault I'm gonna flip.
            The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

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              I once donated some sperm.


              The man shaking the charity bucket was not impressed though.
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                I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.


                How am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?
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                  Exercise for the unfit contractors among us

                  Begin by standing in a comfortable position in a room with plenty of space either side of you.
                  With a 2.5kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out to each side and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute.
                  Each day you'll find you can achieve this position for a bit longer.

                  After a couple of weeks, move on to 5kg potato bags, and later on to 10kg potato bags.
                  Eventually you'll be able to hold a 25kg potato bag in each hand with your arms straight out for more than a minute. (This is the level I am at)

                  Once you feel comfortable at this level, try putting a potato in each bag.
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                    The Wife (tm) picked up a hitchhiker late last night.
                    He seemed surprised that she'd pick up a stranger and asked "Thanks, but why would you pick me up, aren't you worried I could be a serial killer?"

                    She told him that the chances of there being two serial killers in one car would be astronomical
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                      I was walking back from the pub last night when a copper pulled up in his patrol car and asked where I was going.
                      I said "Well, I'm actually on my way to attend a lecture on the problems of staying out late in the pub, consuming too much alcohol and the dangers it poses to your general health."
                      The copper said "Who is giving this lecture"?
                      I replied "The Wife"
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