Please put more jokes here

[Colemanisor]

letter to George bush

10 Jul 2007 17:58 After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if
Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George
Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice.
Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA,
then to MI6 and Mossad. Eventually they asked Australian
Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute ASIO emailed the White House
with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[MrRobin]

I told my girlfriend I got a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Oh, Ten-pin?"

I said "Nah, permanent"

Boom boom!

[Colemanisor]

Female hormones in beer

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

[Colemanisor]

In the woods, one night..

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a
survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic
exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down
into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and
crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,
followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark
silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly
between the eyes.

"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves
with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods,
screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring
with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar
bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the
charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken
by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango
Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous
trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you
five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in
bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:

"Alright, alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"

[Colemanisor]

Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find
that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or their lips to lip-read. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times." The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his willy one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his willy two hundred and fifty times.

[richard-af]

There was a Mystery Tour coach trip in Ireland. They decided to have a sweepstake on where they'd end up. The driver won £80.

[smee.again]

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
> The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man
> answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." The manager liked the
> Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and
> busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager
> came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?" The Aussie
> said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Here in Harrods,
> our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
> "£108,637.64", the Aussie replied. The manager choked and exclaimed
> "£108,637.64? What the hell did you sell him?" "Well, first I sold him a
> small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing
> rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
> coast so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat
> department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he
> didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to Harrods
> car sales and I sold him a Cayenne " The manager, incredulous, said "You
> mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
> boat and 4x4?" "No, no, no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for
> his wife and I said........."Well, since your weekend's f*cked, you might
> as well go fishing.""

[Burdock]

A man phones a lunatic asylum and says, “Is there anyone in room 18?”

“No,” the receptionist replies.

“Great,” says the man, “I must have escaped!”

[Money Money Money]

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as different emotions e.g. fear etc. On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says, "I'm green with NV".
The host replies, "Brilliant come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his willy stuck in a pear.

The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you both doing?

You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street.
Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

[Swiss Tony]

Q. What's big and green, with six legs and would kill you if it pounced on you from out of a tree?





A.A snooker table.