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    I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.


      Originally posted by Orbit View Post
      I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
      And they weren't fussy those Romans...
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        If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate ...Do you think:

        (a) You need more time together,

        (b) She's a prude, or

        (c) She should sit somewhere else on the bus?
        "Wait, I still function!"


          Wife gets naked and asks hubby : "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

          Hubby looks her up and down and replied :

          "Your fu**ing sense of humour!"


            My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.


              Paddy and Seamus are Aer Lingus pilots flying into a new airport for the first time:

              "Sure, Paddy, that must be the shortest fookin' runway i've ever seen before."

              "Aye so it is, Seamus, but have you seen how fookin' wide it is...."


                When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
                Jane explained to him what sex was.

                Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

                Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

                She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

                Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge erection, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the ****. Jane rolled around in agony, but manages to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

                "Tarzan check for bees."
                "Wait, I still function!"


                  Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.


                    My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I Was two, ‘cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.


                      A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

                      As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

                      The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

                      The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

                      The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

                      The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee . We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

                      The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

                      The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

                      The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

                      The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

                      His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

                      His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

                      The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

                      The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

                      Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old f@rt. Now it's my turn."

                      The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."