Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

I was over in Iraq visiting my friend Ali and noticed that his wife now walked ten yards ahead of him instead of ten yards behind him. Remarking on this, I suggested to Ali that women's rights had come a long way since Saddam's departure for women to now be walking ahead of men. Ali shrugged, smiled and said, "Women's rights? Ah, no my friend, it's Tony Blair's f***ing land mines."

[shaunbhoy]

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister's chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. " You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, I can't afford to be blamed for anything.
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.

The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."

[LondonManc]

What does a scouser get his son for his birthday?
Your son's bike.

[LondonManc]

What's the difference between Tony Blair and a mosquito?

One's a life-sucking parasite responsible for the death of thousands. The other is a tropical insect.

[LondonManc]

If a paranoid schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?

[LondonManc]

Piers Morgan was found dead in a doorway last night with 78 bullet wounds. Police described it as the worst case of suicide they'd ever seen.

[LondonManc]

Psychiatrists have traced the first identified case of bipolar disorder to the Grand Old Duke of York. When he was up, he was up.....

[LondonManc]

Recently I’ve been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous – not that they know.

[LondonManc]

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day. Lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

[LondonManc]

Why couldn't the Frenchman count to ten? He had a huit allergy.