Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them.

[vetran]

Good religious advice

I decided to go to the mixed religion seminar for the first time.
I sat down and then the Catholic Priest came up to me, laid his hands on my head and said "By the will of God the Almighty and Jesus Christ, you will walk today".
I told him I was not paralysed.
Then came the pentecostal minister and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of God the Almighty, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
Then came the Muslim Imam and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Allah the Almighty, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
Then came The Buddhist monk and laid his hands on me and said “By the will of Buddha, you will walk today'.
Again I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers and sermons, I stepped outside and lo and behold, my pushbike had been stolen.

[vetran]

Bad Date

17-2-14 = 1


So I guess I'll be alone this year for Valentine's Day.

[vetran]

whats the difference between your lawn and your daughter? you make your lawn mown and I make your daughter moan.

whats the difference between your lawn mower and your daughter? your mowers not one you can ride on.

[vetran]

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

[vetran]

Someone sent me a lump of plasticine through the post

I don't know what to make of it

[LondonManc]

I accidentally ate a can of alphabetti spaghetti that was out of date. My next visit to the toilet could spell disaster.

[DaveB]

A horse walks into a bar, where he drinks every day . The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering the amount of time he spends there drinking, to which the horse replies "I think not!" and POOF! the horse disappears.

This is the point in time when philosophy students begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.

But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[shaunbhoy]

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it into water?

If it sinks --- girl ant
If it floats --- Buoyant

[shaunbhoy]

I saw a microbiologist today.
He was bigger than I expected.